Naturally, someone’s life is going to be far more fulfilling if the people in their life are able to respect their boundaries. Having friends, family members and even a partner who can do this is going to make it easier for them to express themselves.
When this takes place, these people will probably realise that one, along with every other human being on the planet, is not an extension of them. It is then not going to be right for them to tell one how they should live their life or what they should be doing in each moment of it.
Due to how these people come across, one will know that it is safe for them to be themselves. This will stop them from needing to have their guard up and having to put on an act.
And, if they need their advice or guidance, they will know that they will be able to reach out without needing to worry about being walked over. These people will then offer their advice, but they won’t end up trying to take over.
If one is in an intimate relationship with someone who is not controlling, they won’t have lost their ability to act like an individual. Said another way, there will be what one chooses to do with their partner and there will be what they choose to do by themselves.
This will stop them from losing touch with their own needs and feelings, allowing them to express their true-self. One is going realise that the same will apply to their partner, accepting that they are also an ivnoddual who has their own needs and feelings to take care of.
One of them is not going to treat the other as though they are an incapable child who needs to be saved. What this will show is that both of them are able to see where they begin and end and where the other person begins and ends.
At the same time, there could be moments when one of them regresses and is unable to realise that the other is not their parent, but this won’t be the norm. If it was, it would most likely end up having a negative effect on their relationship.
Someone like this could look back on their life and find that they haven’t been with anyone who is controlling. Or if they have, it may have been a relationship that soon came to an end.
This will show that, regardless of how much they liked the other person; they were not willing to tolerate this type of behaviour. Then again, they may have been with a number of people who really overstepped the mark.
A New Beginning
Even so, they will have been able to put these experiences behind them and to finally be with someone who has boundaries. Perhaps they worked with a therapist for a little while, in order to change this area of their life.
If so, the work that they put into this area of their will have paid off in a big way. They will have been able to grow by working with a therapist and now, they will be able to grow by being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t inhibit them.
A Different Reality
But, while there will be people in the world who are not with people who try to control them, this is not going to apply to everyone. For a lot of people in the world, being with someone who is not controlling will be nothing more than a pipe dream.
When someone is in this position, they may currently be in a relationship with someone who is controlling. Alternatively, they may have recently finished with someone like this, with this being a time when they are doing what they can to build themselves back up.
Either way, if they were to look back on their life, they may find that they have been with a number of people who are like this. They are then going to have a strong need to be with someone who doesn’t try to control them, yet this is something that doesn’t take place.
If they are currently with someone who is controlling, they may find that they are used to feeling angry, frustrated and even powerless, and they may spend a fair amount of time complaining about their partner to their friends and family.
It will be clear that one doesn’t want to be with someone like this; this will be the last thing that they want. It would then be accurate to say that one just happened to end up with someone like this, along with every other controlling person who they have been with.
At a deeper level, however, there is the chance that one is emotionally attached to feeling controlled and dominated by others. Consciously, this will cause them to experience pain but, unconsciously, this can be what is familiar and, therefore, what feels safe.
As this is what feels comfortable at a deeper level, not feeling this way would cause them to feel uncomfortable. Putting an end to these feelings and the controlling behaviour that they experience is going to be in their best interest, but their unconscious mind would see it as a threat to their survival.
What this comes down to is that this part of them can form an attachment to, and an identity around, positive or negative feelings. When this is understood, one will be able to see why they are experiencing life in this way; when this isn’t, they will most likely feel like a victim
During their early years, they may have had at least one controlling caregiver, and this would have played a big part in why being controlled feels comfortable at a deeper level. What they resisted at this stage of their life will be what they are unconsciously drawn to as an adult.
Fortunately, with this understanding in place, one will be able to realise that they can put an end to what is taking place. To change what is taking place at a deeper level, they may need to work with a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.