On one hand, there are the people who come across as needy and, on the other hand, there are those who attract these people. It could then be said that these people are going to have a radically different experience when to comes to this area of their life.
If one is used to being needy, they may find that it is a real challenge for them to get their need met on a regular basis. Yet if one doesn’t behave in this way, they could find that it is a real challenge for them to find someone who doesn’t come across as needy.
The First Experience
When one can relate to the former, it could be as if they are unable to handle life unless they are in a relationship. And even if they are in one, there could still be moments when they feel as though they are missing something.
Another way of looking at it would be to say that one has a container than needs to be filed but, no matter how much water is put into it, it doesn’t fill it up. So through being this way, they are naturally going to expect a lot from someone.
In The Beginning
If one was to meet someone, the other person might not be too concerned about how they behave. The other person could believe that this shows how much they like them, and this could make them feel wanted.
But as time passes, they could find that one’s behaviour is too much for them, and they could feel smothered. Through feeling this way, it can cause them to pull away from them.
The Same Outcome
This person could believe that this will allow them to get some space, and this is because one will realise that their behaviour is having a negative effect on them. Now, there is the chance that this will happen, and their relationship can then improve.
At the same time, one could end up coming on even stronger, and this will then cause this person to feel even worse. This will come down to the fact that one’s neediness will increase as they pull away.
The other person can then talk to them about how this is affecting them, and this might cause one to change their behaviour. This could then stop their relationship from coming to an end.
Alternatively, the other person can decide that they have had enough, and one will end up on their own again. Nevertheless, it might only be a matter of time before one finds someone else and ends up repeating the same scenario all over again.
When one is experiencing life in this way, it could be said that it will be vital for them to take a step back, and to reflect on their own behaviour. If they are able to do this, it will give them the chance to change their life.
They will be able to see that how their behaviour is causing them to push people away and that they expect too much from others. This could then be a time when they will need to reach out for external support.
The Second Experience
When one can relate to the latter, it could seem as though everyone on the planet is incredibly needy. The people they come into contact with could be more like their children, and this is going to make it hard for them to get their needs met.
Thus, if they were to open themselves up to someone, they could soon end up walking away. After they have had an experience like this, they could decide to turn their back on this area of their life.
This could then be a time when they will end up focusing on their career, for instance, and this could be an area of their life that is going very well. So although they might feel as though they don’t have control when it comes to their intimate relationships, they are unlikely to feel the same way when it comes to their career.
But while this might be the case, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to turn their back on this area of their life forever. As soon as their need to connect to another person comes to the surface, they might soon look for someone else.
If someone like this was to describe themselves, they could say that they are extremely independent. This could mean that they try to do things by themselves and rarely ask for help.
It will then be important for them to come a across as strong and capable, and they might do everything they can to make sure they don’t come across as venerable. The people who know them could also perceive them in the same way.
What’s going on?
When one has the tendency to attract people who are extremely needy, it can show that they feel the same at a deeper level. But as they feel ashamed of their needs, it causes them to disconnect from them.
Therefore, the people they attract into their life are mirroring back what they are not willing to face within themselves. And not only can this relate to their adults needs; it can also relate to their unmet childhood needs.
This may have been a time when they were treated as though there was something wrong with their needs. So instead of receiving the love and care that they need to develop, they might have had to take care of their caregivers needs instead.
This would then have caused them to disconnect from their needs and to act as though they were needless. If they were to get touch with this part of themselves, it could cause them to experience a lot of pain, and they would probably end up being overwhelmed with shame.
Having needs is then going to be seen as something that will cause them to be rejected and abandoned, and this is why they will feel the need to come across as though they are their own island. The pain they experienced during this time through not getting their needs met will have stayed within them.
Ultimately, one is an interdependent human being, and there is nothing wrong with having needs. In order for one to change their life, they will need to feel comfortable with their needs and to let go of the pain they experienced through not having them met when they were younger.
This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.