Relationships: Do Some Peoples Childhoods Set Them Up To Believe That They Have To Lose Themselves In A Relationship?
If someone was to think about their last relationship, what they may find is that they started to lose themselves when they first started meeting the other and had more or less completely lost themselves once they were together. There is the chance that this has taken place on more than one occasion.
If so, one will see that they have had a number of relationships where this has taken place. This will then be a scenario that they are far too familiar with.
If they are in a relationship like this now, regardless of if they have or haven’t had this experience on a number of different occasions before, they could see that they are playing a role. This will mean that their behaviour is not defined by their own needs, feelings, wants and preferences.
No, it will be defined by who the other person wants them to be and who they think they want them to be. Therefore, their physical self will show up but their emotional and perhaps their mental self won’t.
Yet, although who they are will rarely if ever see the light of day around their partner, it doesn’t mean that the other person will realise this. Thanks to how well they will be able to play this role, it might not even stand out.
At the same time, if it doesn’t stand out it could simply show that the other person is not very perceptive. Perhaps, due to their own wounds, they expect another person to behave like an extension of them.
But, while they won’t show who they are, that doesn’t mean that the signs won’t be there that they are not happy with what is going on. They might not be able to acknowledge how they feel about what is going on but if they could, they may feel frustrated, angry and resentful.
What is truly going on for them will, in one way or another, influence their behaviour. This could mean that they will end up pulling away, not answering calls or texts and not being very present in their partners company.
The Final Straw
Seeing no way forward, they could end the relationship either by disappearing or breaking up with them. Then again, they could get into an affair, with this being a more indirect way for them to pull the plug on their relationship.
By doing this, their partner can find out about what is going on and end it, taking away their need to assert themselves. Whatever happens, they are likely to be relieved that they won’t need to hide themselves any longer.
If this is what happens when they are in an intimate relationship, it is not a surprise that being in a relationship is not very fulfilling. Being in a relationship will cause them to lose something that is very precious – themselves.
So, no matter how much they will gain by being in a relationship, it won’t make up for what it is that they will lose. However, what if there is another option, one that doesn’t involve them losing themselves?
A Third Option
This would mean that it is not a case of one either being in a relationship and losing themselves or being by themselves and staying connected to who they are; they are also able to be in a relationship and stay connected to who they are. Right now, this might not be seen as something that is remotely possible.
If this was to happen, they would be in a relationship that would consist of two individuals and a third entity known as the relationship. This would allow each of them to stay connected to who they are and share who they are with the other.
If this is not seen as something that could happen, it will be necessary for them to reflect on why this is. By doing this, what they may find is that they don’t feel comfortable expressing who they are when they are close to someone and feel the need to hide themselves.
Underneath this could be the fear of being abandoned and their life coming to an end. One way of looking at this would be to say that this is irrational and they just need to move through this fear.
Back In Time
Another way of looking at this would be to say that this likely to be a sign that they were unable to act like an individual during their early years. This may have been a time when they were treated like an extension of their caregiver/s and had to do what they wanted.
If they expressed their needs or feelings, they probably would have been rejected and abandoned. What this would have done is conditioned them to believe that the only way that they would survive and not be isolated is if they lost themselves and became who another person wanted them to be.
The Past is present
This stage of their life is over now but a big part of their being will still be operating from this point in time. Along with the belief that they have to hide who they are to survive and be connected to others will be the emotional wounds that they carry.
Their true self was rejected and they were abandoned but until they work through their emotional wounds, this will be seen as something that will happen as opposed to something that has already happened. Ultimately, they were not given the love and support that they needed to be able to grow and develop properly.
If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.