Relationships: Do Some People's Childhoods Set Them Up To Feel Comfortable With Hot And Cold Behaviour?
If one is in a position where their romantic relationships have not been very fulfilling, what they may find is that it’s because they have the inclination to end up with people who are anything but reliable and consistent. If so, this will mean that they have been with a number of people who are hot one minute and cold the next.
Being with someone like this is likely to take a lot out of them and it could be hard for them to focus on other areas of their life. After having thought about how destructive it is, one may wonder what they can do to change this area of their life.
What they could do is look into what they can do to find someone who is different. If this takes place, it could show that one believes that they simply haven’t found the right person to share their life with.
One is then going to need to get lucky as there will very little else that they can do to change their life. They may believe that if they go out at the right time or sign up to a dating app, they will finally meet someone who is different.
The Same Old Story
After a few weeks or months, one could meet someone and this person might appear to be different to all the others. However, it could soon become clear that this person is no different to any of the other people that they have been with.
One could then end up seeing themselves as a victim and feel very low as a result. Something or someone out there will then be preventing them from changing this area of their life.
Conversely, one may find that even though they are with someone who is unreliable and inconsistent, it is not possible for them to cut their ties with them. One will then be with someone who they don’t want to be with, but they won’t be able to walk away.
Something inside them is going to be keeping them there, causing them to suffer in the process. What this shows is that one is going to be experiencing inner conflict, and the part of them that wants to walk away is not going to be the strongest part.
A Strange Scenario
One is was able to take a step back and to reflect on what is going on, they may struggle to understand why one part of them would feel comfortable in a relationship like this. Intellectually, it will be clear that being with this person is not serving them.
To the emotional part of them, however, being with someone like this is going to be something that feels safe. This will prove to them that the emotional part of their being is far stronger than the mental part.
What is going on?
The reason why one part of them can want be with someone who is healthy and another part of them doesn’t can be due to what took place at the beginning of their life. This may have been a stage of their life when they were brought up by people who were also unreliable and inconsistent.
As a result of this, one wouldn’t have the received the type of care that they need to be able to develop in the right way. Ultimately, their caregiver/s would have conditioned them to feel comfortable with someone who is unable to truly be there for them.
A Painful Time
So in the same way that they won’t where they stand when they are in a relationship; they wouldn’t have known where they stood with one or both of their caregivers. One moment they may have been there for them, while the next moment they might have disappeared.
It may have been common for promises to be made, only for these promises to rarely be kept. This wouldn’t have been a good for their development but there wouldn’t have been anything that they could have done about it.
A Dysfunctional Meaning
Being treated in this way day after day, year after year, would have caused their mind to associate this type of behaviour as love. To their unconscious mind, then, being with someone who reminds them of how they were treated as a child is going to be what feels normal.
With this in mind, what is taking place at a deeper level will need to change if they no longer want to be drawn to the same people. These early experiences may have also set them up to believe that they are unlovable.
If one can relate to this, and they want to change this area of their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
During this time, one will probably need to question the beliefs that they have formed and they may be carrying emotional wounds that need to be healed. Transforming this area of their life won’t happen overnight, yet it will happen as long as they are patient and persistent.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.