Relationships: Do Some Peoples Childhoods Set Them Up To Keep People At A Distance?

​There are some people who are able to connect with others, and then there are others who are unable to do so. When one can do this, there is a strong chance that they are going to be used to having people in their life that they are close to.

One on side this could mean that they will have a number of close friends, and on the other side it could also mean that they are in an intimate relationship. Yet even if they are not with someone at this point in their life, it doesn’t mean that their life is always this way.

A Partner

If they are with someone, they are likely to find that they can spend time with them without feeling as though they are losing themselves. As a result of this, it will allow them to share their own life and for the other person to do the same.

One will be able to fulfil their needs, and this is naturally going to have a positive effect on their wellbeing. And as they are able to maintain their sense of self around their partner, it will also be possible for them to enjoy the time when they are not in their presence.

Boundaries

One way of looking at this would be to say that one has good boundaries, and this is why they can let other people into their life. Through having them, one can not only let people in; they can also let them in without feeling overwhelmed.

But if an outsider was asked if they could see one’s boundaries, they might not be able to see how they are any different to someone that doesn’t have them. What this comes down to is that they would need to pay attention to their behaviour in order to realise that one has them.

One Experience

Therefore, if someone was asked to pay attention to their behaviour, they might soon begin to see that one has good boundaries. They would see that having them makes it a lot easier for one to experience intimacy with their close friends and to have an intimate relationship with someone.

During this time, they could see that one also has a close connection with their family, or if this is not the case, they won’t allow them to take advantage of them. Ultimately, they will see that one can embrace life through having them.

Another Experience

At the same time, someone could pay attention to their behaviour and they could end up feeling uncomfortable. They could believe that one gets too close to others, or that they don’t get close enough.

Having said that, they could wonder what it would be like to experience life in the same way, and this will then be a time when one will think about why they are experiencing life differently. Based on these two experiences, it could be said that one is either aware of their need to connect to others or they are not aware.

Alternatively

Still, this is doesn’t mean that one can’t be aware at certain times and unaware at others, as it is not this black and white. For example, one could want to get close to another and when this happens, they could soon experience the desire to get away.

After this has taken place, they could disconnect from their need to connect to others, and it will then be normal for them to spend time by themselves. Or they could avoid others and after a while, they might begin to wonder what it would be like to connect to them.

A Challenge

When one is unable to connect to others without losing themselves, it is going to be difficult for them to let people into their life.  However, if one is aware of why they can’t let people in, it will give them the chance to do something about it.

Yet if they are out of touch with what is taking place within them, they can end up believing that they have no control over their life. It is then not that they are stopping people from coming in; it is that other people don’t want to spend time with them.

Short-Term Pain

When it comes to the former, one could reach out for external support, and this will then allow them to look into why they keep people at a distance. As to how long this process takes can depend on a number of different factors.

Nevertheless, no matter how long it takes, it will stop them from having to experience life from the sidelines. Their need to connect to others will finally be fulfilled, and this will have a big effect on their life.

Long-Term Pain

When it comes to the latter, one will carry on doing the same thing, and they will continue to suffer. They might believe that other people have something they don’t have, or that they are being punished.

At a deeper level, one could believe that they are not good enough; they could then spend a lot of their time trying to achieve things. When it comes to how they feel, they may be used to feeling angry, hopeless and powerless.
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Conflict

As it is part of being human to want to connect to others, it can be hard for one to understand why they would have trouble doing so. What this can show is that their boundaries were not respected during the beginning of their life.

During this time, one may have experienced some kind of abuse, and this would have caused them to believe that other people are a threat to their survival. As a result of this, it will be vital for them to make sure that other people don’t get too close.

Out of Touch

The years will then have passed and one will have lost touch with what took place, but these experiences will still be defining their life. What is taking place in their life can then be seen as a result of what it taking place externally as opposed to what is taking place within them.

Thus, until one is able to bring their attention to what is taking place at a deeper level, they will continue to suffer unnecessarily. They will experience pain if they face themselves, but what this will do is give them the opportunity to transform their life.

Awareness

If one can relate to this and they want to move forward, they may need to work with some kind of therapist. This can be a time where they will be healing trauma and working through an emotional build-up within them.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk