There can be times when ones relationships are free from problems and then there can be moments when this is not the case. One could also be in a position where this is the only thing they know and they have never experienced relationships that have flowed.
Conflict is then something they have been accustomed to and while conflict is not always negative, if it’s the only thing that one has known, it is going to be. To live a life where there is only agreement and an absence of conflict can sound appealing, but it doesn’t reflect reality.
No matter how close someone is or how long they have known each other for, it doesn’t mean that they will always agree with each other. Now, this doesn’t mean that it has to spiral out of control and turn into abuse or violence.
Each person can own their experience as opposed to getting into finger pointing and therefore, renouncing responsibility. When someone says that they never experience conflict and everything is fine, they could be telling the truth and at the same time, it could mean that they’re living in denial.
Their problems are then being repressed and one is then out of touch with themselves. In the short term this might be the easiest option, but as time passes, the consequences could be severe.
When one takes responsibility for how they feel and are open to the part that they may be playing in what is taking place, it will create the opportunity for growth. This could relate to their growth as an individual, the other persons growth and to the growth of the relationship.
And at the same time, the other person might not be open to looking at what needs to change and so, the only person who benefits is oneself. The other person resists the change and ends up staying as they are and this is likely to mean that the relationship will come to an end.
However, while one can change themselves, they can’t change other people. And if another person is not open to feedback or willing to talk about what is creating conflict, one is going to need to accept it.
When feelings are involved, it is not easy to accept the fact that another person’s is unwilling to change. And so it is only natural to persist, even though nothing it is going to change. At least one can walk away knowing that they played their part.
To take responsibility for how one feels and to accept that one is not just an observer of what is taking place in a relationship is a sign of maturity and self awareness. As a result of this, there is then no reason why one can’t experience relationships that are fulfilling and life affirming.
However, if one doesn’t own how they feel and believes they are just observing what is taking place, then it is going to be a lot harder for them to experience relationships that are fulfilling and life affirming.
This can cause one to believe that they have it all together and that the other person is the problem. And while this can stop one from having to look in the mirror, it can cause them to stay stuck.
It could also cause one to feel like a victim and that they have no control when it comes to their relationships. One is then helpless and there is no way for them to have the kind of relationship/s that they want.
More Than An Observer
If one continues to experience the same problems, then it is a sign that they need to look within themselves. As human beings, we play a part in what we experience and then our mind observes what is taking place.
And if one is out of touch with their body, they can end up believing that they have played no part in what is showing up and that they are simply the observers of their reality. But while the people they meet are different, the person who keeps showing up is oneself.
If one reflects on the kind of relationships they have had and are still having, they might begin to notice a number of patterns. For example, one might find that they attract people who are emotionally unavailable, self centred and/or needy, amongst other things.
When one has a pattern of attracting people are emotionally unavailable, then there is a strong chance that they are not emotionally available either. If one attracts people who are self centred, this could be a sign that one doesn’t feel comfortable with their own needs and believes that other peoples needs are more important.
And the reason one attracts people who are needy is likely to be the result of them being disconnected from their own neediness. The neediness of others is then an externalisation of what they have denied within themselves.
So blaming others might be something one is used to, but if the same people keep showing up, it is going to be important for one to look within themselves. This is likely to be more painful in the short term, but the long term benefits will outweigh the short term pain.
Here one might need the assistance of a therapist or a healer, or some kind of coach. Reading up about relationships will also give one the chance to see why they attract the people they do and why the same problems continually appear.
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Oliver J R Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.