Relationships: Do You Push People Away When They Trigger Your Pain?

If one was to think about being in a relationship, they might focus on what it would be like to be with someone who they can share their life with. This can then mean that they will experience positive feelings.

The reason that one has this experience could be because it reminds them of what their previous relationships were like, or it could be the result of their own imagination. If it relates to the former, it could be said that this how one would like a relationship to be.

Reality

However, if one has been in a relationship before, they might realise that there will also be moments where they will experience negative feelings. This could see as something that is just part of life and not something they can avoid.

On the other hand, if one has not been in a relationship before, they might believe that it will always be filled with good moments. Experiencing negative feelings in other part of their life could then be seen as normal, but it won’t be seen as normal in this area of their life.

Abuse

Now, this is doesn’t mean that one should be with someone who is abusive in any way, as this is not something that they will need to put up with. What it comes down to is that it is not going to be possible for one to always feel good.

In the beginning of a relationship, one may only experience positive feelings, and then as time passes, this is something that will soon change. It would then be easy to say that this is because the other person has changed.

Projection

One way of looking at it would be to say that the idea one had of them in the beginning wasn’t balanced (and the other person was probably in the same position). And then as time went by, they were gradually able to drop their idealised version of them.

This is then similar to how one can go on holiday and feel as though they are in paradise, and then as the weeks go by (if they stay that long), they can start to notice things that cause them to experience discomfort. Having said that, this can be a time where one will project their disowned parts onto the other person (or the country they are visiting).

The Other Extreme

As a result of this, one won’t go from seeing the other person as being perfect to a human being with good and bad sides; there will only be one side to them. And the side they see will be influenced by the parts of themselves that they don’t want to face.

If one is aware of what is taking place, it would give them the chance to work through their own projections. Through doing this, it would allow one to grow and it might also bring them closer to the other person.

The Conscious Approach

When one is able to do this, it could be a sign that they have already done a certain amount of work on themselves. And through having the ability to work through their own pain, they know what to do when they are in a relationship.

This is not to say that they will always be aware of what is taking place within them, but what it does mean is that they won’t project everything onto the other person. Yet if one has taken the time to process their pain, it can mean that they will be less likely to project onto others.

Baggage

Through the work that they have put in, there will be less of a build-up within them, and this will make it easier for them to be present. Thus, there will be less chance of them seeing someone as perfect or as though they are the complete opposite.

There is also the chance that this will mean that one has developed boundaries, and this will make it a lot easier for them to see where they begin and end and where others begin and end. When one experiences life in this way, it could be said that they are taking the conscious approach.

Another Approach

On the other hand, when one is unaware of what is taking place, it can cause them to push the other person away or they might even try to change them. Therefore, it is not that what is taking place within them is having an effect on how they perceive the other person; it is that the other person is the problem.

However, this is not something that will only take place if one has formed a negative outlook of someone, as this is something that can take place even if they have a more balanced perspective of the other. When this happens, the other person can do or say something and it can then press one’s buttons, so to speak.

A Trigger

How they feel, the thoughts they have and the sensations in their body will then be seen as the result of what has taken place. It can then be normal for them to blame the other or to push them away in some way.

Yet if one was to do this, it would stop them from looking into why they have responded in a certain way. Blaming the other or pushing them away, for instance, might allow them to feel better, but what it won’t do is allow them to grow and develop.

Short-Term Relief

One could then leave the relationship and find someone else, and there is then a strong chance that they will end up in the same position all over again. And once again, one could see the other person as the problem.

It is then not going to be much of a surprise if they end up feeling like a victim and as though they have no control over their life. In order for this to change, it will be important for one to take responsibility for what is taking place within them.

Awareness

This can be a time where one will end up having to face a lot of pain, but this is something that won’t last forever. The alternative would be for them to experience pain that is not as strong for the rest of their life.

This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group. Through doing this, one will develop boundaries, and this will enable them to see what belongs to them and what doesn’t.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/