When ones relationships are running smoothly and have very little, if any, conflicts, one is unlikely to look deeper into them. And this is to be expected, as the need to look deeper generally arises when something is not working. This need could still be there, but it won’t be as strong because there are no real difficulties and one is experiencing a natural flow.
To be experiencing challenges in this area of one’s life could make one look deeper and seek solutions. And yet it could also make one turn the other way so to speak. Here, they are not going face what is not working head on, what they could do is pretend that everything is fine or that it’s not their responsibility.
Another option would be for one to feel like a victim and that they are powerless to change what is taking place in their relationships; with this outlook playing a big part in one not taking accountability for the challenges that they are facing.
In this case, one would have a certain level of awareness and not see that there are other possibilities available. Their mind is therefore blocking them and needs to be changed in order for change to occur.
One way will be for one to allow themselves to embrace new information and ideas. This might involve listening to what their friends have to say or just taking some time to reflect on their relationships.
Or one could go even further and read about them, as well as taking courses or having some kind of coaching. In this day and age, there is no limit when it comes to the help available and one no longer has to struggle by themselves.
This could be something that one engages in until their challenge has been dealt with or it could go even further, and be something that becomes a lifelong passion.
Here And Now
For some people, the focus of change is on what is taking place in their current relationship/s. This is what one will want to handle and the same outlook could apply if they were to work with a coach or to read about relationships.
So what one is doing and what other people are doing is what will be looked at. There will be no mentioned of what took place in ones childhood and how this might still be affecting them to this day. This could be seen as irrelevant and something that would be nothing more than a waste of time
And for some people, this might be enough and progress will be made, without digging any deeper to see if there are any patterns that link the past to the present. However, the need to dig deeper is something that might arise from within someone or come about through another’s suggestion.
The main elements here will be awareness and this will play a big part in whether one will see how their present relationships challenges can be a reflection of what happened in their childhood.
When something is painful, the mind can cause one to block. This could be through repression, denial and even full blown amnesia. And in the case of one’s childhood, what took place all those years ago could be nothing more than a mystery.
This is going to relate to what caused pain and conflict. If this pain was acknowledged and validated, one would have no need to still carry it within them.
But as this pain stayed within them, it has meant that it is still appearing in ones dult life. And while the mind can’t remember, the body doesn’t forget and is only too happy to reveal all if one were to listen.
So due to one being cut off from their early experiences, what is happening to them in their adult relationships could be seen as having no connection to their childhood. And in some cases it won’t and yet there is also a chance that there will be a connection.
As an adult, one could find that they always end up feeling abandoned or rejected by others. They could find that other people try to control them or that they are controlling. Experiencing intimacy could be something that they desperately want to experience and yet it causes them to feel smothered, trapped and overwhelmed.
And on more occasions than they can remember, they might find that other people are too needy or clingy or that they are never fully available to have a relationship with them. One might question if they are truly lovable and deserve to be with another.
One could find that they have experienced one of the examples above or all of them and this might have happened once or a regular basis. And the first time they felt like this could have been around their mother or father or the other people who were around when they were younger.
And this can go right back to when one was a baby and that is not going to be the easiest thing to remember.
What these early experiences did was cause one to feel certain feelings and to form certain beliefs. These feelings can include: abandonment, rejection, powerlessness, hopelessness, anger, rage, shame, guilt and death.
And the beliefs that were formed would be about who one is, what they deserve and what other people are like and what the world is like for instance.
These then come together to define what ones relationships will and won’t be like. And while who one attracts and is attracted to and the kind of relationships they have with others are just a reflection of these two elements, it can appear to be the truth.
So how one felt all those years ago could have become trapped in their body and these will need to be released. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer
And the beliefs that one formed as a result of what happened will need to be changed. This can be done through one increasing their self awareness and this can happen by reading and questioning what one believes.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.