Relationships: Does Our Childhood Define Our Expectations Of The Opposite Sex?

It is often said that people shouldn’t have expectations and this is partly because it will cause them to be disappointed or let down. And while this can’t be denied, having expectations is part of life in many ways.

For example: when someone expects more from life, they are likely to receive more. That is, as long as they are prepared to put the work in. Whereas, when someone doesn’t expect much from life, they probably won’t receive much.  

However, if one was to expect something from someone in particular, then there is the chance that they are going to feel let down. The ideal might be to have expectations, but not to attach them to anyone and also not to get attached to them.

Attachment

As soon as one becomes attached to something, they are sending out the wrong message. The universe responds to how one feels and if one is attached, they are not coming from a place of inner peace or abundance.

And yet, when one doesn’t allow their expectations to consume their mind or expect one person in particular to fulfil them, they will be able to let go. One is then no longer grasping or wanting something, they are in place of non-resistance.

Two Levels

On one level will be the expectations that someone is aware of and on another level will the expectations that they are unaware of. When one is aware of their expectations, they will be able to see how their reality is being influenced by them.

In the cases where one is unaware of them, they won’t see how their reality is being influenced by them. What shows up or what doesn’t might then seem random and as being out of their control.

Observers

But even though one may feel that they are an observer of their reality, their expectations are having an effect. It then doesn’t matter if one is aware of them or not. So when it comes to the opposite sex, one is going to have certain expectations.

But while this is the case, they could believe that their expectations have very little, if any, effect on their experiences with them. And if one has a pattern of being around men/women who are abusive or dysfunctional, then this is not going to give them much hope.

Conflict

Consciously one may want to meet someone who fits a certain criteria – this is what they expect. But at a deeper level they may expect something else and this then stops them from being able to fulfil their conscious expectations.  

What is going on at this level has far more power that what is going on in their mind. so in order for one to make what is going on in their mind a reality, they will need to deal with what is going on in their body.

Unconscious Expectations

As these expectations are usually unconscious, it can cause someone all kinds of problems. Through being disconnected from them, one can end up feeling like a victim and that they have no effect on their life. And even if one is aware of them, it doesn’t mean they will be able to see that other people are responding to them and one is not just an observer.

These expectations are going to relate to how one expects to be treated by the opposite sex, if they can be trusted or not and whether they will meet ones needs and wants, as well as many other things.

Empowering Or Disempowering

Now, just because one has empowering expectations when it comes to the opposite sex, it doesn’t mean they will always be fulfilled. But what it will mean is that one will be used to having the opposite sex respond to them in ways that are respectful, fulfilling and affirming.

And when one has disempowering expectations, they might have the odd experience where the opposite sex responds to them in ways that are respectful, fulfilling and affirming, but this is not going to happen very often.

Familiar

However, even though these expectations do not lead to the kind of experiences they want with the opposite sex, they are likely to be what is familiar.  And when something is familiar, it is what is associated as safe by the ego mind. It then wont matter if it is functional or dysfunctional.

All the time these associations are in place, one will continue to have the same experiences with the opposite sex. And as these associations are not healthy or empowering, it can seem strange as to why someone would have them.

Childhood

There is the chance that these associations were formed during ones childhood years. How they were treated by their mother and father and the people around them during this time will then define their expectations of the opposite sex.

Time then passes and how they were treated by the people around them during these early years is not only how they expect other people to treat them, it will also be what feels comfortable. But as time goes by one can become out of touch with these early experiences and not see how their present experiences match up with their experiences from the past.

Awareness

These early experiences would have caused one to experience certain feelings and these feelings may have stayed trapped in their body. So as these are released, ones expectations of the opposite sex will begin to change.

What can also make a difference is to be around a member of the opposite sex who can offer the positive regard that one didn’t receive whilst growing up. The assistance of a therapist or a healer may be needed to release ones trapped emotions and to give one the positive regard that they missed out on.  

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Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/