Relationships: Does Someone Need To Emotionally Separate From Their Caregivers To Be Emotionally Available?
It is one thing for someone to be in a relationship and it is another thing altogether for their emotional self to also be involved. The former involves one being with another person, the latter involves them opening up and actually being emotionally connected to them.
Taking this into account, just because someone is in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that every part of their being will be involved. It could be seen as the difference between one just putting their hand in the sea and getting their whole body wet.
A Big Difference
If someone only shares their body with another person and not their heart, it is not going to be a relationship that has much depth. They can talk about what they have been doing and even express certain feelings, but it will be missing an essential component.
However, while this will be so, the experiences that they have shared with their partner and the times that they have spent with them may have caused them to form an attachment to them. It probably won’t be an attachment that is unpinned by love, one that they feel strongly in their heart, but it will be there nevertheless.
What is taking place might not stand out for them, though, and this is because it could be what is normal. Only having certain parts of their being in a relationship could be what has taken place for a very long time.
Their relationship is then going to lack real depth, yet they are not going to feel as though anything is lacking. When it comes to their friendships, these might not have much depth either.
Business as Usual
As time goes by, their partner could get to the point where what one is providing is not enough. They might have been more open-hearted at the beginning and/or have become more open-hearted as time has passed.
One might be happy for things to carry on as they are though, thanks to them not being in touch with their need to form a deeper connection. The relationship as it is might be fine in their eyes.
If one was to think about changing the relationship and even getting closer to their partner, they could soon start to experience inner tension. They might believe, at this point, that their partner wants too much and is needy.
It is then not that they themselves are emotionally shut down and are the ones who need to open up; it is that their partner has issues that need to be sorted. If one was to dig deep, they may find that the thought of getting emotionally close to their partner causes them to feel trapped and smothered.
For this relationship to move to the next stage of its evolution, it will be essential for one to realise that they have some emotional work to do. If this doesn’t take place, their partner will have to compromise themselves or to tolerate something that is not truly serving them.
If their relationship is to work out, one will need to become aware of what is going on and to work through the baggage that arises. This can end up being a time when they will learn a lot about themselves and why they are the way that they are.
Firstly, one will need to look into why they are emotionally shut down and why they struggle to give and to receive love. Secondly, they will need to look into why they would see their partner as wanting too much and being needy simply for expressing their desire for more depth.
When it comes to the first challenge, it is likely to show that they have had a least one experience that has been too much for them to handle. To handle what took place, they would have ended up disconnecting from their body and shutting down emotionally.
A Traumatised State
Regardless of whether this took place a number of years ago or a number of decades ago, for instance, it will continue to have an effect on their being and how they respond to life. If they were to reflect on what took place during their early years, they may find that this was a challenging time in their life.
Perhaps this was a time when they didn’t receive the love and care that they needed to develop in the right way. This may have been a time when they experienced some kind of abuse and/or neglect, and one of their caregivers, due to a lack of boundaries, may have got too close to them.
The Other Part
If this is so, it will make sense as to why they perceive their partner as wanting too much and they feel trapped at the thought of getting emotionally close to them. What this will illustrate is that how they felt in the company of their caregiver who got to close is being brought to the surface by their partner.
When this pain is triggered, one will then unconsciously see their caregiver in the same way as they saw their caregiver all those years ago. The outcome of all this is one won’t be able to be present and to see their partner for who they are.
Drawing the Line
If they do become aware of what is going on, they will be able to deal with what doesn’t belong to their partner. One way of looking at this would be to say that this will be a time when one will be emotionally separating from their caregiver/s, leaving behind what no longer serves them.
They might not longer live with their caregivers, and these people might not even be alive, but emotionally, they will still be strongly attached to them. This process won’t happen overnight and this is why it will take patience and persistence.
If one can relate to this, and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.