Relationships: Does Someone Need To Feel Comfortable With Their Own Emotions In Order To Experience Intimacy?
When someone is in a relationship, there could be moments when they share how they feel, and this could mean that they are also able to be there for their partner. As a result of this, this area of their relationship is going to be in balance.
A Close Bond
Through sharing their inner world in this way, it is likely to be something that has a positive effect on their relationship. In a way, this can be the difference between having a surface level connection and having a connection that is very deep.
If they were only to talk about what they have done each day or what they want to achieve in their life, for instance, they would probably have a very different connection. It is unlikely that their relationship would be as fulfilling as it is.
A Big Difference
This can be seen as the difference between simply having a starter and having a three course meal. The first option is unlikely to have much of an effect; whereas the second option is likely to really hit the spot.
To be able to open up to another person is one thing and it is another thing altogether to be able to be completely present when they open up. And when it comes to experiencing intimacy, one part is just as important as the other.
A Two-Way Process
When one opens up about how they feel and their partner is able to stay with them, one is going to feel as though it is safe for them to open up. Furthermore, they will feel respected, valued, and acknowledged.
Therefore, when one behaves in the same way towards their partner, they are likely to have a similar experience. Each of them creates the space for the other to open up and to be vulnerable.
In order for one to be able to open up, they will need to feel comfortable with their own emotions and, through being comfortable with their own emotions; it will then allow them to be there for their partner. If, on the other hand, one doesn’t feel comfortable with their own emotions, it is going to be a challenge for them to do either.
With this in mind, one will need to be able to be intimate with themselves before they can be intimate with another person. Once this part is in place, the other part should simply fall into place.
Alternatively, one person could open up in a relationship about how they feel and the other could keep their feelings to themselves. From the outside, it could then seem as though these two people have an intimate relationship.
In fact, the two people could also have the same outlook. However, what this is likely to show is that one person doesn’t feel safe enough to open up, and this is why they keep their feelings to themselves.
In this type of dynamic, one person can come across as though they are larger than life and have it all together, and the other can come across as though they are incapable and need to be rescued. One person acts like an all powerful adult and the other acts like a dependent child.
But while one of them can act as though they are strong and capable, this can be nothing more than an illusion; behind their mask is likely to be someone who feels ashamed of their own needs. The other person is likely to be emotionally stuck at a certain age, and this is then partly why they are not in touch with their personal power.
A Traumatic Childhood
Both of them are going to be adults, but they are likely to be behaving in the same way that they behaved when they were children. The reason one of them is trying to get their needs met by trying to rescue the other is probably because they had to be there for one of their caregivers.
This would have been a time when they had to ignore their own needs and to fulfil their caregiver’s needs. Their needs are going to be seen as something to be ashamed off, which is why they have to try to get them met indirectly.
The Other Experience
When it comes to the person who acts like a powerless victim, this is also likely to be the role that they played as a child. Along with not getting the kind of care that they needed to develop into an autonomous and empowered adult, it might not have been safe enough for them to assert themselves.
Staying small was then what felt safe - thereby setting them up to feel as though they were missing something and needed to rely on someone else to survive. Each person is playing a role due to the fact that playing a role is what feels safe.
Ultimately, it is going to be essential for both of them to feel safe enough to assert themselves. Unless this takes place, there is going to be no reason for them to change their behaviour.
And it is highly unlikely that their life will change if they simply change what is taking place in their mind. What this comes down to is that they could be carrying trauma in their body, and this could mean that they will need to work with a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.