Relationships: Does The Fear Of Abandonment Stop You From Speaking Up?

Human beings have many ways to communicate with each other and one way for them to do this is to use their voice. But while some people are happy to speak up no matter what is going on, there are others who are unable to do this.

This is going to mean that they don’t expedience life in the same way as people who do speak up. What is normal for one person could then be described as abnormal for another.

Two Scenarios

If these people were to get together and speak about how they behave, they could find it hard to relate to each other’s experience. The person who speaks up might ask the other why they don’t just speak up, and say they have nothing to be afraid of.

And for the person who doesn’t, they could wonder how the other person is able to speak up. Based on how they experience life, their approach could be seen as the only option they have.

The Truth

So what one person believes is the only way is going to be questioned and even dismissed by another. Yet, even though others are going to do this, it doesn’t mean that one will just change and put this behaviour behind them.

This could be how they have experiences life for many years and when they do come across people who are different, it could be put down to the fact they are different. One could believe that others have something they don’t have or that it is not possible for them to speak up.

Consequences

And as a result of this, it is be a challenge for them to have relationships that are authentic. What it could mean is that one ends up going along with others and ignores what is taking place within them.

The most important thing will be to please others and in order to do this; they will say what other people want to hear or what they think they want to hear. The needs of others are going to take precedence and it won’t matter what their needs are.

Conflict

So on one side, one will want to express themselves and on the other, this is not something that they feel comfortable with. This shows that one is not working with themselves, they are working against themselves.

And because of what is taking place within them, it might not matter what is taking place externally.  So although one could point the finger and blame others, they are playing a part in this experience.

Self-Reflection

However, for one to realise what part they are playing, it will be important for them to engage in some kind of self-reflection. Without this, one is going to feel as though this is something that ‘just’ happens and that they have no control.

Without it, one is not going to be aware of what is taking place within them during the moments when they deny how they feel and go along with others. In the beginning, one might not notice anything or they might just experience some kind of pressure.

Two Options

The first option will be for one to bring their attention into their body during the moments where they don’t speak up and to see what arises. And if one ends up feeling overwhelmed during these moments, there is another way for them to find out what is taking place.

When one is on their own, they can imagine they are in a situation where they would usually keep quiet. And through going over this in their mind, it can enable them to tune into how they feel during the moments when they should be speaking up.

Thoughts

One could also pay attention to the thoughts that arise in their mind as well as focusing on how they feel in their body. What is taking place in their mind could be seen as the cause of how they feel in their body.

Yet, the thoughts that arise in their mind could be a reflection of how they feel in their body. This means that one’s feelings already exist in their body and are not being created through how they think.

Emotional Experience

As one tunes into their body, they could find that the reason they don’t speak up is because they fear that they will be abandoned. If one believed that their thoughts created their feelings, they could say that it’s all in their mind and that they just need to think differently.

But how they feel could relate to how they felt in the past and while time has passed, the emotional experiences of the past have remained within them. One could then change their thoughts, but this wont deal with the emotional pain in their body.

Abandonment

The reason one feels this way as an adult could be because they were abandoned during their childhood. At this age, being left would have felt like death and this is because one wouldn’t have been able to regulate their emotions and their thinking brain might not have been in operation either.

These early experiences can then set them up to do what they can to please others. If they were to put their needs first, it is going to cause these emotional experiences to be triggered. But unless one is aware of what is taking place, they are going to be controlled by their feelings.

Awareness

So in order for one to feel comfortable with speaking up, it is going to be important for them to process the emotional pain within them. And this is likely to be a time of grieving unmet childhood needs. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group might be needed here.

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Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/