When it comes to how men behave around women, there are two types of behaviour that are often spoken about. On one side, there is the man who acts as though he doesn’t care and, on the other, there is the man who cares too much.
There is then a spectrum, and a man can be on one side of it or he can be on the other side. If he doesn’t have the need to please women, he could be called a ‘bad boy’, but if he does have the need to please them, he could be called a ‘nice guy’.
It would be easy to believe that the ‘nice guys’ have more success in their dating life, but this is rarely the case. As even though a ‘bad boy’ wont treat women with respect, he is more likely to get his needs met.
A Big Difference
This is someone who will generally be able to fulfil his sexual needs, as well as other needs. In general, the kind of women who he attracts (and is attracted to) may have a lot of issues, but that might not cause him too much concern.
After all, it’s not as if he is going to have everything together; he might be only interested in keeping a woman around for a short time. Once he has got what he wanted, he could move on to the next one, or to another woman that he already has on the go.
Due to how this man treats a woman, it would be easy to say that he is taking advantage of them. Yet, as the women who he ends up with are typically going to have their own issues, it is not this black and white.
If anything, it would be more accurate to say that these women are allowing themselves to end up with someone who is not right for them. Still, a woman might find it hard to believe how this is the case.
It would then be necessary for her to look into what is taking place within her, and to see why she is drawn to a certain type of man. What she can do is to reflect on what took place during her early years.
Through doing this, she may find that how she feels around men reminds her of how she felt when she was younger. This may have been a time when she was abused and/or neglected by her caregiver/s.
When it comes to a ‘nice guy’, this is someone who is likely to find it extremely difficult to fulfil his sexual needs. In fact, he will probably find it hard to get most of his needs met when it comes to women.
This is not to say that his relationships with other men or people in general with be any different though. His need to please will then have taken over his whole life and it is then going to be a challenge for him to feel empowered and fulfilled.
It might not matter if he has known a woman for a few minutes or a few years, as he will have one focus. There is the chance that he will be very good at knowing what it is that she needs.
But even if he doesn’t, it is not going to stop him; he might just ask her what it is that she wants. Based on how he behaves, he could appear to be a selfless human being, and it might then seem as though he doesn’t have needs.
Through behaving in this way, he is likely to find that woman often see him as nothing more than a friend. He is rarely going to trigger attraction in a woman, and it is then going to be normal for them to respond in this way.
If he does go further than this, he is likely to end up with a woman who will walk all over him. It is highly unlikely that she will respect him, and he might just be seen as someone who she can use.
When a man lives his life in this way, it can show that he is ignoring his own needs in the hope that it will allow him to fulfil them indirectly. There might be moments when this works, but this is going to the exception as opposed to the rule.
At a deeper level, he might fear that if he was to go about getting his needs met in a direct manner it would cause him to be rejected. Pleasing others and trying to get his needs met indirectly is then a way to stop this from taking place.
A Deeper Look
One way of looking at this would be to say that rejection is part of life, and that he needs to come to terms with this. Another approach would be to look into why his life is being controlled by this fear.
If he was to look into what is underneath this fear, he may find that he feels completely worthless. Being rejected will not only be seen as something that will cause other people to see how flawed he is and to abandon him, it will also cause him to be overwhelmed by toxic shame.
What this can show is that he was abused and/or neglected when he was younger, and this is why he is carrying so much pain. This would have caused him to create certain beliefs and he would have experienced trauma.
It is then not just going to be as simple as changing what is taking place in his head; it will also be necessary for him to deal with what is taking place in his body. What this also emphasises is how painful it is to experience toxic shame, and that it takes a lot of courage to face it.
If a man can relate to this, and he wants to change his life, it might be a good idea for him to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.