Relationships: How Can Someone Experience The Desire To Be In A Relationship When They Have Had So Many Bad Experiences?
When one has a history of bad relationships, the last thing on their mind can be to have another one. However, regardless of what they have been through, the need to be with someone is not going to completely disappear.
What can happen is that one can end up disconnecting from this need and the pain of what they have been through can define their life. As a result of this, it can seem as though they no longer have this need.
If one was to look back on their life, they could find that the relationships they have had have not been very fulfilling. Or, it could go even further than this, and they might have been abused.
When it comes to the former, this is something that can cause them to feel frustrated; they could wonder why they should even bother. Yet, if they can relate to the former, they could feel as though it is not safe for them to be with someone.
Through having these kinds of experiences, it is to be expected that one would feel this way. If it happened on the odd occasion, it would be a lot easier for them to overlook what has taken place.
But when it has happened so many times, it would have naturally had a far bigger effect on them. As far as they are concerned, this could be how they are always going to experience life.
One is then in a position where they have two choices: either they stay on the sidelines, so to speak, or they end up having the same experience all over again. It is then not going to be hard for them to make a decision.
The first option is understandably going to be seen as the best way for them to stop themselves from being in a relationship that is not fulfilling, or to stop themselves from being abused again. Due to everything they have been through, they are not going to want to go there again.
In the short-term, this is going to save them a lot of pain, and they might soon begin to feel better about themselves. But even if this doesn’t take place, they won’t have to see someone who isn’t right them.
This could then be a time when they will be able to focus on other areas of their life. One could put more effort into their career and/or they could take the time to work on their fitness.
Still, if one was to come across other couples or spend time with friends who are in fulfilling relationships, they could start to get back in touch with their desire to be with someone. Through having these kinds of experiences, it will remind them of what they are missing out on.
This could be something that fills their mind for a short time and then passes, or it could stay with them for a little while. Even so, one could end up finding something to take their mind away from this.
But sooner or later, one is probably going to find it hard to continue run away from this part of themselves, and it will then be necessary for them to do something about it. It will be only too clear that this part of them won’t go away.
And once again, they could still end up doing what they can to find a way to distract themselves. When they do embrace this part of themselves, they are going to remember what took place in the past.
One is then going to have to experience their desire to be with someone on one hand, and their need to avoid this area of their life on the other. It could then be said that it will be a good idea for one to look into what they can do to attract someone who is different.
This might not seem like an option if one believes that they can’t do anything about what is taking place and they feel like a victim. It is then going to be imperative for them to realise that they do have control over this area of their life.
What one could do is to see if the relationships they have had bear a resemblance to what took place during their early years. And this is because it is often what takes place during these years that will have the biggest effect on their adult relationships.
This can then be a time where they will need to question what they believe and there may also be emotional work that needs to be done. As this takes place, they may find that they start to meet people who are different.
Through changing their inner world and meeting people who are different, their outlook can gradually change. Nevertheless, there will be no reason for one to rush this process, as this could cause one to end up where they were before.
When it comes to changing their inner world, they may need to work with a therapist. Through their support, it may allow them to go where they wouldn’t have gone by themselves, and they will offer their encouragement.
If one has had a number of bad relationships, it will be a good idea for them to be patient and to go at a rate that feels right. And if one does know people who are in fulfilling relationships, they could see if they can spend time with them.
This will give them real experiences to embrace, and these should have a positive effect on them.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.