One could be in a relationship that is going extremely well and out of nowhere, it could end up being on the rocks; leaving one in a place of uncertainty as to whether it will last or not. It could also be a relationship that is not going to well either.
However, just because something seems to be going well, based on one’s perspective, it doesn’t mean that this perspective is shared by the other person. To them, certain areas of the relationship could be creating conflict and be a sign that it is not working or they could have distanced themselves completely.
So physically they are there and yet emotionally they may have checked out. In their mind it has been over for many weeks, months and this could even be for many years, in extreme cases. And as there are two people in a relationship and not one and each of them have their own reality that includes different needs and wants, it is to be expected that there will be different outlooks.
This is why communication plays such an important role in what does or doesn’t happen in a relationship. It is often said that human beings are not mind readers and that another needs to tell them what is on their mind or what it is they need or want for instance.
And while some people are good at reading people and have a good intuition or sense, it is still important for each person to talk. If one has been with someone for a while, their ability to read them could be good, but this doesn’t mean they will always be right
Without each person talking about what is going on, information will have to be gained through other means and what is attained through these ways could end up being far from accurate.
On one side there is the chance that one can gain an accurate understanding of what is going on for the other person and therefore how this is affecting the relationship. And yet there is also the chance that one could end up being way off and end up creating further problems.
So if there is no communication taking place in a relationship, one could start to form assumptions, talk to friends who have their own projections and create even more confusion or read magazines or books that don’t reflect what is going on.
These are just examples, but what they show is that it is very easy to form conclusions that have very little to do with the reality of a situation.
Once the mind has started to form associations around what is going on in the relationship, it won’t matter if they are true or not. As the mind will project these associations onto the other person and can end up blocking out what goes against them.
So what this means is that one can end up seeing things that don’t really exist and believing what has no basis in reality. This is why gaining more information, no matter where or who it is from, can end up creating more problems.
While one may have friends who want to give their opinions on the matter and even tell one what they should be doing, based on what they think is happening, this can often make matters worse.
This is because they could have their own issues to do with the opposite or same sex or with the person that one is with and instead of seeing ones partner for who they are, they end up projecting their issues onto them.
Hearing from someone who is not emotionally connected and can therefore speak from a more subjective place can make a big difference though. And having someone who can just listen and allow one to get everything of their chest can also enable one to integrate everything.
Through this, clarity can appear and one can know what their next step is; without needing another person to express their own views.
So while other people’s views can create more confusion when it comes to whether ones relationship is over or not, there are common signs that can shed some light on what is happening. The most important thing is that one doesn’t just accept these and thinks about whether they are true or not, to avoid seeing things that don’t exist.
If communication has broken down, this could show that the other person has withdrawn and doesn’t want to continue. Just because one is with another adult, it doesn’t mean that they are emotionally an adult.
And so instead of them opening up about how they feel, they might end up retracting and using silence as a way to communicate that it’s over. If they were more comfortable with their emotions, this might not happen.
When communication does break down it is likely to cause one’s mind to fill in the gaps. So one can construct reasons as to why the other person is not getting in touch and what will soon happen.
And while some of these ideas could be accurate and have a lot to do with what is happening for the other person, they could also end up being completely false. If one feels as though their relationship is coming to an end and this is someone they appreciate or love, then it is only natural that they are going to experience emotional pain.
So as a way to avoid feeling this pain, the mind can come up with all kinds of scenarios. Here, one might imagine that they will get back together and everything will be fine, for example. These could cause one to feel better, but they might have nothing to do with reality.
To be in a highly emotional state is not going to allow one to see clearly and so they may need to seek some kind of assistance in order to settle down. For if one feels settled, it is going to be easier to know what to do next.
And it can also make it easier for one to let go and to give the other person space. When strong emotions appear, one can become overly attached and this can end up pushing the other person away. As through one behaving in this way, the other person ends up feeling overwhelmed and is given another reason to end the relationship.
Ultimately, the only person who can truly know if it’s over or not is oneself. No other can know what it was like before and what it is like now. And if one puts their fantasies to one side and gives up their wishful thinking, the answers will gradually appear.
When a relationship does end, it can be incredible painful and this is why letting go is not always easy. Emotions that match the current experience can arise, as can emotions from ones childhood.
This is why the assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach can be beneficial. Asking for help does not mean that one is weak; it is a sign of strength and the healthy thing to do.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.