Relationships: Is Grieving Our Unmet Childhood Needs An Important Part of Attracting People Who Are Available?

While one can have the desire to attract someone who is available, it doesn’t mean that this is what takes place. One could find it more or less impossible for attract someone who is available.  

When someone is available, it is going to mean that they are not only physically and intellectually present, they are also emotionally present. Their attention and energy is not caught up somewhere else, it is being directed towards the person they are with.

As a result of this, one is not going to feel as though they are with someone who is emotionally distant or who is only able to share part of themselves. One will experience a relationship where the other person is able to share who they are.

Attachment

This doesn’t mean that they won’t have any other commitments and that one will be the centre of their universe, what it means is that they won’t be romantically attached to anyone else. For when someone is not able to commit to one person, it could be a sign that they are attached to someone else.

And if this doesn’t relate to a romantic attachment, it could come down to an emotional attachment that one has with someone else. If it is a romantic attachment, it will relate to another person they are with or to someone they were with in the past.

Emotional Attachment

There is also the chance that it is to do with a family member who they are too close to. When it comes to a man who is unavailable, it could be due to the fact that he is too close to his mother and is therefore still emotionally attached to her. With a woman, it could be because she is too close to her father or it could relate to her mother.

It also doesn’t even matter if their mother/father is still alive or if they live on the other side of the planet and rarely speak to them. And this is because their mother/father can live inside their head and influence them form within.

One And The Same

However, to say that it could be due to them being romantically attached to another person or too attached to one of their parents could create the impression that these two influences are separate. Yet, if someone is romantically attached to another person, it could mean that they haven’t emotionally separated from their mother/father.

Their inability to share their life with one person and to go with more than one person or to be with one person but to stay emotionally disconnected can all come down to the same reason. So in order for them to open up to another person, it will be important for them to emotionally separate from their caregiver/s.

Two Experiences

On one hand there is the person who is not able to commit and then there is the person who attracts people who are this way. It would be inaccurate through to say this was black and white, as one could alternate between the two.

Even though one could complain about how people are not available, it doesn’t mean that they don’t attract people who are. In the case when they do, they could say that the other person is not suitable or they might live in another part of the country. The other person could already be in a relationship and while the other might feel attracted to them, they’re not prepared to leave the person they’re with.

The Same Story

It then doesn’t matter who one meets or where in the world they are, as the outcome is the same. This could cause one to feel like victim, to see themselves as ‘unlucky’ and to believe they have no control over what is taking place.

However, while one might believe they have no control over what is happening, this is not the truth. The reason one continues to attract people who are not available is because this is what feels safe at a deeper level.

Why Is This?

One then has the need to connect to another and at the same time, this is something feels uncomfortable. And while this may be how their life has been for quite some time, they weren’t born this way.

What this is likely to show is that one had a childhood where their needs were not met. One’s caregiver/s would have been out of tune with their needs and put their own needs first. And this would have meant that one ended up being abused and/or neglected.

Intimacy

During these early years, one would have felt smothered, overwhelmed, violated and helpless. So one would have only felt safe if their caregiver/s was at a distance - it wouldn’t have been possible for them to feel safe in their company.

And as their caregiver/s was out of touch with one’s needs, they would have had to disconnect from how they felt. So while the years have gone by, the emotional experiences of the past will have remained trapped in one’s body.

Repeating The Past

When one has a pattern of attracting to people who are unavailable, they are re-playing their childhood all over again. This is also known as ‘repetition compulsion’. When one experiences something that is too painful, they can end up disconnecting from the pain and this can cause them to re-create the same situation in order to experience a different result.

This is something that takes place out of one’s awareness and it is a way for them to get what they didn’t get before.  But as one is re-creating what happened before, they are going to end up in the same position. Even though one will end up going round in circles and be unable to get what they want (and if this relates to what one didn’t get as a child, it might be possible for them to receive it as an adult), it is what feels safe.

Awareness

So in order for one to no longer repeat the past and to attract people who are available, it will be important for them to grieve their unmet childhood needs. All the time these needs are not grieved, they will continue to re-create the past.

In the short-term this will be painful but in the long-term, it will allow one to get their needs met. Here, will get in touch with their trapped feelings and face them to completion. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/