When a relationship comes to an end, it can often lead to pain. For some people the end of a relationship will be experienced solely as a loss and for others, although there is a sense of loss, it will also be coupled with a sense of freedom and that the time had come.
This will of course depend on how the relationship was and if one felt it had come to its natural end or if it had ended too soon.
So, it could be said that the severity of the loss that is experienced will depend on numerous factors and will also vary from person to person. There is not one experience that everyone has and therefore people will respond differently to the loss.
One person may not feel too emotional and as a result of this, can carry on with their life. It could be that they are happy being single or that they are open to what life may bring.
And then there can be another person who is in deep pain and decides to grieve the loss. To get involved in another relationship or another person is not their focus. Their main intention is to grieve the loss and to return to a sense of balance once more.
The two options above are general examples of what two people can do, who have been affected in different ways. The first person could have come out of a relationship that’s time had come.
And for the second person, it is likely to have been a relationship that created a lot of pain. This could be pain from the relationship ending and also due to unprocessed pain from past relationships and even childhood wounds.
Although the second option of dealing with ones pain is the ideal thing to do, if one is experiencing a sense of loss and all the pain that that brings, this doesn’t always take place.
When this happens, one will often have what is commonly described as a rebound relationship. Or this could be a series of flings or casual encounters. And while this could last for a few weeks or months, it could also last for many, many years.
Here, one will be attracted to people who are not necessary right for them. But what they do offer is an escape from the pain that one is currently experiencing.
It is then not an adult to adult relationship that they are looking for; that involves sharing, relating or personal responsibility. The other person is needed, as a way to regulate one’s pain and suffering.
A Quick Fix
However, if one is in a place of pain and is doing all they can to avoid this pain, then what they expect from another person is going to pale in comparison to what they would expect if they were not in pain.
The saying ‘Don’t go shopping when you’re hungry’ comes to mind here. Here one is likely to buy all kinds of junk just to fill a whole and the same thing can apply to rebound relationships or encounters.
This approach may well have the potential to offer a quick fix and a momentary escape, but that is often all it can offer. And this is because the pain will not simply go away as a result of one running away from it. It has to be faced and grieved in some way.
So while there is a chance that one could end up with someone who is right for them; the chances are that one will end up with someone who is not right for them. The pain may have gone from ones conscious awareness, but it still exists at a deeper level.
And although going with another person can lead to momentary relief and the postponement of pain, the pain is likely to reappear once gain and when it does, it can be even stronger than it was before.
The undeveloped ego mind will do all it can to avoid dealing with the loss and grief. And this can cause one to seek wholeness and a sense completion in another person or people. This is of course, an illusion. One can never be completed by another and simply because one is not incomplete to begin with.
Loss can be magnified as a result of past losses that have not been grieved and processed. This is why specialised assistance can make a massive difference. A Therapist, healer or coach can all help in providing the right support.
The easy option can be to find someone else to fill the whole and stop the pain. But although this will lead to short term gain, it will also lead to long term pain. To face it will involve short term pain, but it will enable one to experience long term gain.
In order for one to attract a healthy and functional relationship, one has to be healthy and functional themselves. If one is running away from who they are, then it is unlikely that they will be able to have a fulfilling relationship with another person.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.