While some people end up in relationships that have a positive effect on their life, there are others that don’t. And while this can mean that they are used to being with people who are not a good match, this could be an understatement.
Instead, they could find that they end up with people who are abusive, and this is going to be something that they can’t simply ignore. Now, this is not to say that one could overlook being with people who are not suitable for them.
What this comes to is that it is likely to be harder for one to handle being with people who are abusive than it would be for them to be with people who they are not compatible with. In both cases one will experience pain, but the pain they experience will be different.
However, unless one has been in both scenarios, they are unlikely to realise that there is a difference. One could then continually attract people who are not right for them and this could seem as bad as it could get.
Yet if this is the only experience they have had, it could be said that it is to be expected. Their experience could be compared with the kinds of relationships their friends have, and these people could be in fulfilling relationships.
There is also the chance that they have had at least one relationship that was fulfilling, and this will give them another experience to compare their life with. This could all change, of course, if one was to come into contact with some on who is used to being abused.
Upon hearing about what someone else is going through, one might come to believe that there life is not that bad. They could then end up feeling guilty for being unhappy with their life.
Still, if this was to take place it could be said that one doesn’t value themselves, as there is no reason why they should feel this way. One simply wants to live a fulfilling life and there is nothing wrong with that.
At the same time, one could end up empathising with the other person but that could be as far as it goes. One will then see it as how the other person is experiencing life and there will be no need for them to feel guilty for wanting to change their life.
This will then mean that one will continue to look for answers and they won’t allow another person’s experience to hold them back. But if one is used to attracting people who are abusive, they might be only too happy to be with people who they are not compatible with.
While being in this position will be frustrating to someone who is used to it; it could be a welcome relief to someone who isn’t. On one hand, it won’t allow them to have fulfilling relationships, but on the other hand, they would no longer be abused.
Still, their outlook could soon change if this was to take place, and this is a partly because they would realise that their life can be different. Whereas before their life changed, they would have had a radically different outlook.
Nevertheless, when one is in a position where they always end up in abusive relationships, they are unlikely to feel as though their life can be any different. It could be normal for them to feel as though they have no control over their life.
So when they do come across people that experience life differently; they could come to the conclusion that they are different. These people have then got something that they don’t posses.
Another way of looking at this would be to say that one may see themselves as nothing more than a victim. Other people have the ability to do whatever they want to them and there is nothing they can do about it.
Therefore, one is completely powerless, and the only way their life will change is if other people change. This could also mean that one believes that they need someone to come and rescue them.
Yet if one experiences life in this way, it is to be expected that they would look towards others to change their life. What this will show is that one is not aware of the part that they are playing in what is taking place.
As a result of this, it sets them up create a life where they believe that they have no effect on what is taking place. And if one has this outlook, it is likely to be a sign that there was time in their life when they had no control.
During the start of their life, they may have been brought up by a caregiver that was abusive. At this age, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to do anything about what was taking place.
This then ended up becoming their identity, and while they no longer look the same; they still have the same perspective. Being treated badly will be what is familiar to them and even though it is causing them harm, it will be what feels safe at a deeper level.
In order for one to no longer end up in abusive relationships, it will be important for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
Through having this support, one will gradually begin to realise that they are not victims, and while this won’t happen overnight; it will happen as long as they keep going and don’t give up.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.