When some people think about what it is like to be in a relationship, they might get a sense of being around someone who is truly there for them. This means that the other person is not only physically available, they are also emotionally available.
Now, this could be because they are currently in a relationship like this or it could come down to how their relationships have been in the past. If they are in a relationship like this, they are going to want it to continue, and if this is how their relationships have been in the past, they are going to look forward to being in one on once again.
However, there are going to be others who are unable to relate to this, and this is because of the experiences they have had. Based on their experiences, being in a relationship can mean being with someone who is not completely available.
If they are with someone who is like this, this is going to be something they experience on a day-to-day basis, and if this relates to what happened in the past, their mind can remind them of what it was like. In this case, they are either going to be in a relationship that doesn’t fulfil their needs or they are going to think about what has happened and tell themselves they don’t want to go through all that again.
When one is in a position where their relationships are fulfilling, they might find it difficult to relate to people who experience life differently. However, this can all depend on whether their life has always been this way.
One may have had relationships that were not like this in the past, and this will then allow them to understand what it is like. Perhaps they looked into why they were experiencing life in this way and then decided to do whatever they need to do to put an end to these kinds of relationships.
If, on the other hand, one is in a position where they have a pattern of being in relationships that are not fulfilling, it can be difficult for them to understand why other people experience life differently. They can end up believing that other people have something they don’t, and this can cause them to feel hopeless.
And as this is what they have become accustomed to, it is going to be normal for them to feel this way. Yet, as they still have the need to connect with someone at a deeper level, it doesn’t mean they will just turn their back on relationships altogether.
The Main Problem
They may say that their relationships never work or that they always attract the wrong people, and they might believe that their life will never change. This could cause them to think about whether they are attractive enough or if they are smart enough, for instance.
And if they were to take the time to think about why their relationships are not fulfilling, they may say that they always attract people who can’t love them. This doesn’t mean this is how things always start off, but as time passes, this could be what takes place.
If they were to come to the conclusion that it is about what they look like, this may have caused then to become obsessed with their appearance. It is then not going to be enough for them to look after themselves; they will need to do everything they can to look ‘perfect’.
There is also the chance that they have been through all this and it didn’t make any difference. Or if they have come across people who have fulfilling relationships who don’t look a certain way, they may come to the conclusion that it’s not about what they look like.
Another thing they can do is to become more successful in the hopes that it will finally allow them to attract someone who will love them. This might make more people take notice of them, for instance, but that might be as far as it goes.
They can still end up in the same position, and if they believe they have everything going for them, it could be ever harder for them to accept how their life is. This is because they may believe that there is nothing else they can do.
If they have focused purely on what is taking place externally, it is likely to mean that they haven’t taken the time to get in touch with what is taking place internally. Therefore, it is going to be important for them to get in touch with how they feel and what they believe.
Through this, one can find out what their beliefs are and if they feel that they deserved to be loved. If one has a pattern of attracting people who can’t love them, there is a strong chance that they don’t love themselves.
What is taking place externally is then a reflection of what is taking place externally, and the reason why one can’t see this could be because they have disconnected from that part of themselves. Or if they haven’t done this, they might not realise how their inner world is influencing their outer world.
When one can’t love themselves, this is likely to mean that they are carrying toxic shame, and will cause them up to feel worthless. This will have permeated their whole being and they will feel as though there is nothing they can do to change how they feel.
Although they are naturally going to be frustrated with attracting people who can’t love them, this is going to be what feels comfortable at a deeper level. If they started to realise their value, this would gradually begin to change.
The reason they are carrying toxic shame, could be because of what happened during their younger years. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected.
In order for one to move beyond this challenge, it will be important for them to let go of the toxic shame within them, and this take place through facing the toxic shame within them until the charge begins to discharge. And along with the belief work that will need to take place; they may also have unmet childhood needs to mourn.
The support one needs to undertake this process can come from a therapist and/or a support group.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.