Relationships: Should Someone Change When They Get Into A Relationship?

When one comes into contact with someone who they like, they can end up putting on an act. This could be something that will happen without them even releasing it, or they might be able to pick up on this.
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One way of looking at this would be to say that this is normal, and this is due to the fact that they want to put their best foot forward, so to speak. Therefore, if they didn’t do this, it might be harder for them to create right impression.

Two Sides

Then again, there is clearly a big difference between one putting their best foot forward and showing up as someone else. When the former takes place, it should be a lot easier for the other person to handle.

After all, there is also the chance that they will have put on an act during this time. So, as time passes, both of them will have the chance to see what the other person is really like.

Another Experience

However, when the latter takes place, the other person could end up wondering what is going on. It might seem as though the person they were with at the beginning has disappeared.

One could then find that it won’t be long until the other person starts to lose interest in them. If this was to occur, they could feel as though they have been let down, but they will have played a big part in this.

The Message

What this emphasises is how important it is for one to show up when they meet someone for the first time. Through doing this, it will give the people they meet the chance to see if they like them.

Yet, in order for this to take place, one will need to be comfortable in their own skin. When one doesn’t accept themselves, they will end up having a strong need for other people to accept hem.

The Benefit

Thus, through putting on an act, one is likely to believe that this will make it easier for them to fulfil their needs. One will believe that their true-self is not good enough, and this is then why they need to have a false-self.

So, even if someone does respond in a positive manner, it is not going to have anything to do with who they really are. The feedback they receive will have a positive effect on their false self, but it won’t do much for their true-self.

In The Same Boat

And while one might only get so far through putting on an act, there is also the chance that they will have had a number of long-term relationships. When this happens, it can be a sign that they end up with people who are the same.

One false-self is then going to be trying to connect to another false-self, which is not going to allow intimacy to occur. This is not going to be very fulfilling, but at a deeper level, it can be seen as being far better than it would be if they were to get in touch with their true feelings.

Another Scenario

Conversely, one can show up when they meet someone and, as time passes, they can end up becoming someone else. One is then going to have the ability to express their true-self but they won’t be able to do this for very long.

Now, this is not to say that this will happen after they have met someone a few times, as it could take a little while. Yet, regardless of when this happens, it is going to create a number of problems.

False Advertising

Whether this happens after they have been seeing each other for a few weeks or a few months, it could cause the other person to feel as though they have been deceived. It is then going to be similar to how someone would feel if they bought one thing and it ended up turning into something else.

The reason one bought this item will be because they wanted it; if they wanted something else they wouldn’t have bought it. It is then not going to be a surprise for someone to feel let down if the person they are with changes.

A Different Outlook

At first, one will have been able to be themselves and, as time went by, they would have felt the need to change their behaviour. In the beginning, they might have only changed one thing, and then before long, their whole personality may have changed.

At a deeper level, they may believe that they need to please the person they are with; if they don’t do this, they will be rejected and/or abandoned. It is then going to be as if one is a dependent child and their partner is an all powerful parent.

The Opposite Effect

Changing their behaviour will have been seen as a way for them to bring the other person closer, or to at least keep them around. The trouble with this approach is that one will have changed their behaviour, and this is what will have played a big part in why they got together to begin with.

With this in mind, they will have a far greater chance of keeping someone around if they continue to behave in the same way. This is not to say that one can’t make a few minor changes; there are bound to be times when it will be necessary.

Awareness

If one can relate to this, and they no longer want to ‘lose’ themselves when they get into a relationship, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by a therapist or a healer.

This can be a time when they will be working through old childhood pain and trauma, which this will allow them to develop strong boundaries.  

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk