When one has only just started to spend time with someone, they can find that just about everything runs smoothly. So whenever they are with the other person, they can feel good and even relaxed.
During this stage, they could believe that this is how it will always be and that they won’t ever experience conflict with this person. The weeks and months could then pass and this could be how it stays.
A Different Experience
However, even if it stays this way for a little while, there will probably come a time when they start to experience different feelings. What will play a big part here is that one will start to settle down, as will their partner, which can mean that they will become more authentic.
Therefore, the type of things that wouldn’t have been said or done before, can end up being said and done. Along with this, the defences that they have dropped as time has gone by will have opened them up more and made them more vulnerable in the process.
A Strong Reaction
When they do experience feelings that are not particularly positive, it could be something that takes place after their partner has said something or done something. Here, one could end up getting really angry or they might feel really upset, for instance.
After this has taken place, they could blame their partner; with it being clear to them that their partner is in the wrong. It could be this black and white, or they could be far more to it.
Fuel on the Fire
Nonetheless, even If their partner has done something wrong, it doesn’t mean that it will do their relationship any good if they end up laying into them. Their partner could keep their cool or they could become defensive.
If they keep their cool and make it clear that they are sorry for what has taken place, one could find that they are soon able to settle down. It might not be long until their inner world is all over the place again, though.
The Same Experience
Before long one could have a very similar experience and, once again, they could lay into their partner. When this takes place, it could be as if one has been possessed by their emotions.
Still, their partner could do what they can to make them feel better. If their partner has done something wrong, it could be said that it is perfectly normal for them to have got worked up and that they are not at fault.
Nevertheless, if one started to develop the ability to observe their inner world and no longer allowed themselves to be controlled by how they feel, they may find that their partner is not always at fault for how they feel. What they could find is that there are times when their partner simply triggers pain that is already inside them.
Having the ability to contain how they feel as opposed to directing it outwards, will most likely decrease the amount of conflict that arises in their relationship. Something will be triggered and one can be with how they feel, preventing a molehill from becoming a mountain.
What this comes to is that even though one is in a relationship with someone else, they have their own reality (as does their partner). With a strong sense of who they are and a clear understanding of where they begin and end, it will be easier for them to own how they feel.
So through developing their ability to observe their inner world and working on their boundaries, they will be able to heal their inner wounds. Whenever they experience a strong reaction, there is the chance that a wound has been brought up to the surface.
Back In Time
An emotional wound may go back to something that has taken place in their adult life or it could go back to what took place when they were younger. Either way, it will be essential for them to heal it if they want to become a more integrated human being.
The reason for this is that when they were wounded, a part of themselves would have most likely been split-off. Thus, in order for them to reclaim this part of themselves, they will need to embrace it, feel the pain and to gradually integrate it.
A New Meaning
By seeing their pain in this way, being triggered will still be painful but they might no longer see it as something that is bad or negative. It will be a lot easier for them to surrender to how they feel and to grow.
Along with this, they can come to believe that one reason why they would be drawn to someone is to heal themselves. The person they are with is then going to be there to serve in their evolution, as one will be there for serve in their partner’s evolution.
Without self-awareness, it is not going to be possible for one to realise that another person is only bringing up to the surface what is already held inside them. Self-awareness is what will set them free; free from a victim mentality, free from giving their power away and free from living a reactive life.
If one has got to the point where they can see that they have inner wounds and these wounds are making it hard for them to function, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.