Relationships: What Causes Jealousy?

When there is an absence of trust in a relationship there is inevitably going to be certain problems that arise. Whereas although there is still going to be problems when trust does exist, there is less chance of jealousy appearing or if it does exist, then its effects will be minimal.

As human beings, we have a wide range of emotions that can be experienced. And while some of these are often classed as positive and some as negative, they are all part of what it means to be human. Some of these can be embraced and some of them can be denied, but they will always be there and won’t just disappear.

Jealousy

Jealousy is an emotion that can’t be removed, and yet just because it does appear, it doesn’t mean that it reflects reality. It could be the result of what one is projecting onto a certain occurrence or the relationship in general.

When this happens, one is not seeing what is really taking place; they are seeing what they want to see. An interpretation is made and this then becomes the truth, regardless of it is actually so.

The Experience

And as the emotional experience can be so powerful, it is likely to be a real challenge for one to see when this is the case.  This emotion, along with many others, could cause one to lose their ability to be conscious and they could end up doing things that create even more issues.

Their mind could end up being flooded with all kinds of ‘negative’ thoughts. As well as different scenarios and stories that not only support how they feel and but also have the potential to enhance how they feel.

The Real

So during certain moments it is clear that when jealousy does arise, it is for a good reason. It is there to notify someone that something is not right and some kind of action needs to be taken.

If one was in a relationship with another and they displayed behaviours that were inappropriate, then one is unlikely to trust this person and therefore to feel jealous would be normal.

Examples

Perhaps one is with someone who is overly flirtatious and attention seeking; with the need to gain approval or acceptance from just about every man or woman that they come across.

Boundaries are then a challenge for this person, with one not knowing what their partner is going to do with others or what they are going to allow others to do to them.

The Imagined

When one feels jealous as a result of how they perceive something and not because of how it actually is, it can be taken as the truth. Once the mind triggers the emotions, thoughts and sensations for instance, the ability to see the reality of a situation can disappear.

And what they are going through then has nothing to do with what their partner is doing and everything to do with their own interpretation of it.

Examples

So their partner could talk to other men or woman or they might decide to go for a night out or to go on holiday without them and one ends up feeling extremely jealous.

Consequences

Uncertainly is then going to consume their mind and this is going to lead to further consequences. So even though this is just their imagination and doesn’t reflect reality, they are still going to experience the same things.

They could talk openly about it and deal with it this way, or they could deal with what is going on for them on the inside. This would be a way to move beyond this challenge in a way that could lead to deeper intimacy and strengthen the relationship.

But if one doesn’t talk about it or face what is going on within them, then everything could get worse. They could accuse the other person of something that they haven’t done and this could create further distance and even cause the relationship to end.

A Pattern

It then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and although it doesn’t reflect what the reality of the situation, ones actions will make sure it does. This could be a pattern that one has and this challenge appears over and over again.

So their current relationship is then fraught with jealousy or they keep sabotaging their relationships because jealousy completely takes over. They then lose the ability to be objective and to see situations for what they are.

The Trigger

When one experiences jealousy on a regular basis and it has nothing to do with what is taking place, it is going to be due to the ego minds interpretations.  While jealousy can be felt strongly, it is nothing more than a surface level emotion.

For example, one can get angry and this is a way for them to protect themselves against a real or perceived threat. And underneath the anger will be a sense of being compromised or violated in some way and the same applies to jealousy.  

A Deeper Look

So below the jealousy is going to be what one feels in their chest and what they feel in their stomach. If one is out of touch with their emotional body, then these may not be easy to indentify. In their chest this could relate to feeling: rejected, abandoned, alone and a sense of loss, amongst others.

In the stomach, this can relate to: powerlessness, hopelessness, loss of control and even the experience of death.

Childhood

At first glance, these emotions could seem out of place and extreme and yet they typically relate to ones childhood years. Time has passed and one has grown up physically, but emotionally they have remained the same.

As a baby, one is completely dependent and needs constant attention. And to experience a loss of attention as a baby and a child, is going to have the potential to cause a lot of emotional pain.

No caregiver is perfect and they don’t need to be; so there is going to be times when one felt abandoned. And this will happen even more when they were brought up by a caregiver that was neglectful. So through these emotions and feelings not being dealt with, they would have stayed trapped in one’s body.

Awareness

Ideally, when one has a relationship with another adult it is going to be based on trust and mutual choice. Each person is in the relationship because they want to be and not because the other person is forcing them to be.

So if this is the case and one feels jealous, there is a strong chance that their past is still affecting them. To have these trapped feelings and emotions in one’s body is going to make it a challenge to respond to life as it is, as opposed to how it once was.

These trapped feelings and emotions can be released with the assistance of a therapist or a healer who will allow one to face them and gradually release them.

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Oliver J R Cooper 
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/