I believe that one of the purposes of a relationship is to lead one back into wholeness. This includes the relationships we have had, the relationships we have and the relationships we will have in the future. They each contain the experiences and situations that are perfect for one to regain their inherent wholeness.
To use the world wholeness implies that we are not already whole and that we need others to make us whole again. This is not the complete truth, but it is true at a certain level of awareness.
I would say that our true nature is wholeness and that what stops one from knowing and being whole this is the ego mind. This happens because of the ego minds tendency to see everything as separate and external.
So at one level we are whole and have everything we need, but at another level we can carry the perception of being empty and alone and that in order to feel whole and connected we need another to complete us.
Why Is This?
During our childhood years we do not have the capacity or the resources to look after ourselves. We are powerless and dependent and rely on our caregivers for fulfilling all of our needs.
The needs I am referring to our: acceptance, validation as well as continued touch and attention.
Our ability to self-soothe and to emotionally regulate ourselves is first achieved through the help of our caregivers. Our feelings have to be validated and mirrored by others, because without that we wouldn't be able to describe them or even feel that we exist.
What Happens Then?
What often happens is that we don't receive the validation or mirroring that we need. These incredibly important psychological needs are then ignored and neglected. The ego mind then doesn't have the opportunity to internalise these feelings. This then cause's one to feel the feelings of; emptiness, alones and that there is something missing.
And if we cannot self-soothe or regulate our own emotions there will also be more of a need to rely on others to do this for us. This will create more reliance and dependency on others.
If there is the feeling that something is missing, it is only natural to look outside of ourselves and to others to fill the emptiness that we feel inside.
When adequate nurturing does not occur and one is exposed to continued experiences of rejection, abandonment and isolation; it causes one to feel that something is missing.
This is the result of these early experiences when something was missing and because of what needed to happen did not happen. And although many years have gone by and the original memories have disappeared, the emotional memories are still there.
Present Day Relationships
The mind will then come to associate wholeness as something that is only possible through being with another person. This means that the relationships we have with other people will trigger the original trauma that has not been processed.
This will create common themes, which will include: relational loss and relational rejection.
These experiences could be classed as part of life. And that no matter who we are or how hard we try we will never be able to stop relationships coming to an end or to remove the experience of rejection.
The Past Returns
We can see that it is not that these experiences are a problem per se and that what causes them to be so painful is that they are triggering old memories.
This was a time when rejection and loss would have felt like death. And during those early years our whole ability to survive depended upon our caregivers being there for us.
In the very beginning we can see a certain cycle can occur. And that in the early stages relationships have the potential to fulfil all or most of the needs that we are missing. At this stage one will feel as though they are whole again.
However this feeling will likely come to an end at some point. This could be through one person ending the relationship or both agreeing that it's time to move on.
The cycle will then conclude with the whole appearing once more and the feeling that it can never be filled. Here loss and rejection have the potential to appear in an extreme way. It can feel like the end of the world and this is not something anyone would want to experience very often.
The relationships that cause the most pain are often the ones that have the biggest potential for our own growth. They are showing us what we need to process in our own history.
In the presence of the other person and having the other person in our life we will feel all of the feelings that we missed. This is why it is so powerful and can affect our lives in so many ways. We feel alive again and this aliveness is reminding us of who we are.
Our Journey To Wholeness
It is these original traumatic experiences that have remained frozen in our bodies and minds and due to this they are causing us continual suffering. And by being with another person we are being reminded of what we have forgotten and need to realise
We have projected our forgotten parts onto other people and done so without realising it. This is how the ego mind works; it can be seen as a problem or it can be understood and used to our own benefit.
As we continue to become more conscious and have relationships that are more conscious; our perception of what a relationship is will change. To realise that another person cannot give us anything. All another person can be is a messenger and a mirror to that which is already there and is our true nature.
If you feel this has been of value to you please leave a comment or get in touch with me. And feel free to share this article. I appreciate your comments and views.
Oliver J R Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.