When it comes to what a man is going to be like or what a woman is going to be like, we all have a set of expectations. And although these can be consciously known, they are very often out of one’s conscious awareness. So while a woman may be unaware of what their expectations are of men, they can find out in another way.
And the way they will typically find out is through the kind of men they attract into their lives and the kind of men they are attracted to. The general experiences that they have with men will reveal what they expect.
It would be natural to think that all men are the same or that one has no control over the kind of men that one comes into contact with, but these expectations have incredible power.
If one expects something, it will mean that they will pull it into their lives. Because this is not simply a passive process where one is observing what is showing up. What is showing up is actually the result of what is being asked for; the challenge is that this form of communication is often going on out of one’s conscious awareness.
And the kind of relationships that a woman has with men is going to be where they receive feedback about what they expect. This can relate to: family, colleagues, managers, friends and lovers for example.
Each of these areas of relationships can have a big impact on a women’s life. And although they are all important and play a part in a women’s life; the most important area will often relate to the kind of lovers they attract.
As this is often a foundation of any women’s life and the area where they will be the most emotionally connected to a man and have the highest expectations; the rest will generally not be as important. They will still have an impact of course, but while a woman may consciously expect to be with a man that is respectful and loving for instance, they are likely to expect a lot less when it comes to a colleague, manager or a family member.
And as a result of expecting less, when these other relationships are not as fulfilling, it is not going to be as influential. For if a woman has a relationship with a man that is fulfilling the relationships with men that are not fulfilling are more likely to be dismissed and not taken personally.
But if a woman has not got a solid relationship with a lover or even with her father, brother or male friends, then there is not going to be as much to fall back on when they experience men in general as being unpleasant.
Now, for some women their expectations of men will be fairly high and this could then lead to a woman having experiences with men that are fulfilling and rewarding. There will be other women who have fairly average expectations and their relationships may then be somewhat fulfilling and fairly rewarding.
And then there will be women who have extremely low expectations of men. This means that their experiences with mean are inevitably going to be unfulfilling and without much reward.
However, as some women will know - just because they have high expectations, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the men they attract will match up. And this is the result of what is going on at a deeper level and how these two aspects can be in conflict with each other.
So there is what is consciously expected and this is often going to be the ideal and what a women truly wants to experience when it comes to men.
And at a deeper level there is another set of expectations and these can not only be in conflict with what is actually wanted, but they also have the biggest influence.
The Ego Mind
These expectations are often unknown at a conscious level, but they will be classed as familiar and therefore safe to the ego mind. And this means that they will be what one feels comfortable with and that is regardless of whether they are functional or healthy expectations,
There are going to be many expectations that a woman can have and some of the common ones are:
· That men are abusive
· That men can’t be trusted
· That men are unreliable
· That men are controlling
· That men are unavailable in some way
· That men will invalidate who one is
· That men have no back bone
· That one will be abandoned or rejected by men
So while a woman wants to experience a man or men who are the opposite of these things; they continually end up with a man or men who mirror these examples and many others.
At first it might seem strange that a woman could feel comfortable with these experiences. However, the answers are often found in the kind of relationship a woman had with her father as a child and this is relationship that is not always functional.
Perhaps a woman had a father that was: abusive and controlling in some way; didn’t keep to promises that were made or keep certain secrets; was rarely available either physically or emotionally and denied ones reality as a child.
And even though these experiences were not healthy or functional, they were what become familiar and the ego mind started to feel safe with them.
So the kind of men that one attracts and is attracted to now and the kind of experiences they have, mirror these early occurrences. And to experience men in any other way could feel uncomfortable and that something is not right. And this could lead to a woman sabotaging anything that goes against these early moments.
What happened as a child may have happened many years ago, but its effects can saturate one’s present life. And this is because the mind and body haven’t moved on.
The minds associations will have to be changed and the emotions and feelings that had to be pushed out of one’s awareness will need to be released. And as this takes place ones experiences of men will begin to change. This can be done through the assistance of a therapist, healer or coach.
If one feels that they don’t need assistance, then some kind of self study and application might be enough. It will all depend on how much of a challenge this is.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.