When it comes to the outlook of what men are like, there is clearly not just one idea that a woman can have. And while some have an idea that men are a certain way, others view them in a completely different way.
And no matter what this view is, it is one that is going to have massive effect on the woman who are attracted to men and therefore want to have a healthy and functional relationship with one.
This is not only limited to intimacy and the men that women are attracted to, it will also relates of course to the men that are found in other contexts. These could be: colleagues, friends and family members.
As we all have something known as a conscious mind and an unconscious mind, or to make it easier, let’s say things that we are consciously aware of and things we are not; it can create conflict.
The desire at a conscious level to want a man that is supportive, loving, respectful or anything else that a women may desire, can be in direct opposition to what is expected when it comes to men at an unconscious level.
Here, a woman is likely to have a set of expectations when it comes to what a man is like. And these could be expectations that lead to experiences of feeling empowered and fulfilled or they could be experiences of feeling disempowered and unfulfilled.
But even though these are simply expectations, they will go a long way to defining how a woman sees a man. These expectations will be what make up a women’s perception of men and even the type of man she attracts.
Now, for the woman who has attracted her ideal man or does attract the type of men that she wants; these expectations will not be a problem. And yet for the woman who can only dream about attracting this type of man; these expectations will cause problems.
These expectations may seem to be the truth and how men are. And this is due to the power that they have over ones reality. At a deeper level, they are what are familiar and safe to the ego mind.
The ego mind forms associations around things that have become familiar and are therefore classed as safe. This usually relates to experiences that one has had numerous times or that were traumatic.
And once an association has been made, it will be what one feels comfortable with at a deeper level. It will not matter if this is something that is healthy or functional. As a result of feeling comfortable, it will also mean that it will be what one is attracted to.
So for the women who doesn’t attract the kind of man or men that she wants, let’s take a look at what some of these associations can be, when it comes to what men are like:
· That they are controlling
· That they are abusive
· That they can’t be trusted
· That they are distant
· That they always lie
· That they only want one thing
· That one will be abandoned
· That one will be rejected
· That one will be forgotten about or ignored
· That one is unworthy of being loved
These are just some of the numerous associations that a woman can have when it comes to their idea of a man.
When it comes to the causes of a women’s idea of what a man is like, it is probably the early childhood environment. And while the primary caregiver is often a woman and does have an effect, the strongest influence is usually the father.
How a woman is treated as a child by her father and how her father treats her mother and other women in his life, will all make a different. It is here that a women’s ego mind will form the associations of what feels comfortable.
If their father was distant, abusive, absent (physically or emotionally), controlling or critical for instance, this can then be what feels familiar and therefore safe to the mind.
And these early experiences don’t have to be extremely dysfunctional either. It could simply be that they created a greater tolerance in the woman for this kind of behaviour.
What Does This All Mean?
So what this all means is that a woman will continue to be attracted to men that are like this and to interpret men into his way. And not because this is the truth or what all men are like, but because this is what feels safe at a deeper level.
If they were to attract or to be around a guy that was different or the type of man they actually wanted, they might even sabotage the chance. Or perhaps their mind would just filter it out and not even recognise the man for who is he.
Due to the ego mind seeing in absolutes and everything being black or white; all men will be seen as being the same. There will be no chance of any other possibilities.
The most important thing to realise here is that the associations that the mind has are not fixed and can be changed. In order to see another type of man, there has to be a change from within.
At times it may appear that men are just men and one is just observing what is going on, but one is actually seeing life based on their own perceptions.
So in order to change this, it may require the help of a therapist, coach or a healer. And for others, becoming aware of these associations and then acting and thinking different may be enough.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.