Relationships: Why Are Some Men Needy?

There are many descriptions that can be used when it comes to how one goes about getting their needs met. While some are called needy, others are often called needless. However, no matter how one is described: what is clear is that everyone has needs.

To be human means that we have needs. And for the person in the middle of these two extremes; this means behaving in a way that allows for these needs to be met in an empowered and functional way.

The Two Extremes

Although some men can be needy or needless, this is not necessarily always the case. There could moments or situations when they go from one extreme to the other.

And no matter what extreme one goes to; they are two sides of the same coin. With neither one being more empowering than the other option.

Consequences

This behaviour will have different consequences for a man and another set of consequences for a woman that attracts needy men. 
 
And what will make up these consequences will be a combination of feelings, thoughts and sensations. This will then create a perception; that will lead to external projections and interpretations being formed and behavioural patterns.

Internal Experience

The internal experience for the man in unlikely to be one of harmony and oneness; and this is because an inner conflict is taking place. It wouldn’t be a surprise if within there were feelings of: powerlessness, helplessness and worthlessness.

As well as different thought patterns and sensations that will mirror and reflect these feelings above.

External Experience

Due to these feelings existing within and right from the very beginning; it is only natural that this results in behaviour that is often described as: needy and desperate.

This man can then be overly nice, submissive, and will often say and do what will gain the acceptance and approval of a woman. He doesn’t seem to have any sense of self and is only too happy to take on another identity.

For The women

For a woman that is exposed to this kind of behaviour, is can create feelings of being smothered, overwhelmed and emotions of anger and frustration.

Leaving her to think about where she can find a man that will take care of her needs for once. And as someone who can relate to her as a women and not as some kind of surrogate mother.

The Cycle

Once the external experience happens, the man can then end up feeling angry, hateful and frustrated. And these initial feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness and worthlessness will appear once more.

The needs and wants that the man has are not being fulfilled and as these wants and needs are extremely powerful. So it is understandable as to why so much internal pain can be experienced when this fulfilment doesn’t occur.

This is a cycle that can and will go on forever; unless awareness is allowed to develop. And unless this does happen, the same patterns within and without, will continue to be created and experienced.

It’s Familiar

As we look at this behaviour and the consequences it creates; it is clear to see that it is not working. And yet the same internal and external processes are still being carried out.

Which seems to make no sense: as why would one continue to do things that didn’t work and only produced the same disempowering and dysfunctional end result?

This comes down to familiarity and this is what the ego mind works on. And as long as it is familiar, it means that is it safe. These two aspects are like two people in a relationship that cannot be separated.

Self Sabotage

Although this may seem to be an external problem; it is actually coming from the inside. And therefore exists, as a result of their being an association of safety around these patterns.

This is what happens when the trauma that created these patterns becomes dissociated from or repressed and denied. It then becomes unconscious and turns up in ones reality. And these thoughts and feelings then appear to come out of nowhere and for no reason.

It all seems random and to just happen; until one takes a deeper look at the area of childhood development.

Childhood Development

During this time, a man has his first interaction with a woman. Here, one is completely dependent on the mother to fulfil and take care of its needs. These needs range from; being mirrored, touched, and loved unconditionally; to receiving acceptance, approval and attention.

And this can only be achieved if the mother has a healthy inner child herself and has the ability to get her needs met; either through her own awareness or through asking other people. If this is not the case, the child will be used to fulfil these needs.

And this will mean that the Childs fundamental nurturing needs will have to be denied and repressed in order to survive the upbringing. This will also lead to trust issues with women in the present day; if as a boy he could not trust his mother to be there, why would he trust them to be there today.
 
The Pattern Begins

What this will do is form an early association of familiarly and therefore safely, around not having these needs met. As well as the creation of certain feelings, emotions and thoughts; that will have to be repressed and denied to be able to survive the experience.

These can be feelings of: anger, betrayal, rejection, hopelessness, powerlessness and abandonment. And these will not only be triggered through the same patterns being created; they will also help to create the same patterns

Inner child

So if this happened many years ago and one is now and adult and not a child, why does the past matter?

The reason it matters is because one will regress to the wounded inner child for as long as the child has not been allowed to express how it feels and is heard. And the ego mind will continue to filter one’s life in this way due to this being what is safe and familiar.

To the wounded inner child, all female figures are potential mother figures and mother figures who can give the wounded inner child all it didn’t receive as a child. What this child can’t see is that there can never be another mother and to perceive them in this way will only lead to more pain.
 
Needs

And the majority of the needs this wounded inner child has cannot be fulfilled by other women; they have to be acknowledged and processed.

 If they are projected onto women this will only create pressure, dysfunctional attachment and illusions. And these will keep one in a perpetual cycle of being disempowered and unaware.

Awareness

What happened in the past cannot be changed or removed and it doesn’t need to be. Being the observer of the inner child and the ego mind means that one is not trapped or limited by them

All of the feelings, thoughts and behaviours that continually appear, do so because they are waiting to be heard. They will remain frozen in the mind and body until awareness allows them to be heard. And as they are heard, they will no longer need to speak any more.

This can be achieved with the assistance of a conscious and aware therapist or healer for example.

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Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/