While one could be in a relationship with someone who is available, they might also find that they are with someone who is unavailable. This is something that is going to have a big effect on how fulfilling their relationship is.
If one can relate to the former, they are likely to be with someone who is not just with them physically; they are going to be with them emotionally. Therefore, they are not just going to share their bodies and even their mind, they will also share their hearts.
What this means is that one person is not going to be with the other to avoid how they feel, and they are not going to be caught up with their ex. Through being with someone like this, one will be able to experience intimacy.
But if they can only relate to the former, they can be with someone who is only willing to share their mind and body with them. As a result of this, the other person’s heart is not going to be on offer.
The other person will be in a relationship with them and yet they are not really going to be with them. One is likely to want far more from them than they are prepared to give, and this can cause them to experience pain.
At the same time, one could even be with someone who is in a relationship with another person. So while one can say that they are with them, they are going to know that this is not the complete truth.
Even so, this doesn’t mean that they will always face up to this, and during these moments, they could pretend that the other person is only with them. This will allow them to delude themselves into believing that they are actually in a relationship with them.
To The Surface
When it comes to the moments when they do face up to what is taking place, they could ask them when they are going to leave their partner. This could be something they have asked them on numerous occasions.
And each time they ask, they could end up hearing that the same thing; with this being a time when they will tell them that it will happen soon. They could think about how this will allow them to finally have the other person to themselves.
The Perfect Outcome
If this was to happen, one could be only too happy about what has taken place; they will finally have what they have wanted for so long. The other person will be emotionally available, and this will have a big effect on their relationship.
They will no longer have to share them with someone else, and they might even think about taking things further. Perhaps they want to have children, or even to get married to this person.
A Different Reaction
On the other hand, one could find that they are no longer attracted to this person now that they are available. At one point in time, they would have had such a strong need to be with them, and now it is no longer there.
If one was to take a step back, they might find it hard to understand why they feel this way. They could come to believe that it’s because the other person has changed, or that they just don’t feel the same way anymore.
If something like this was to happen, one could find that this is something that hasn’t taken place before. There is then going to be no reason for them to think about it anymore and they can carry on with their life.
Alternatively, one could find that this is not the first time this has happened, and they might end up thinking about why this is the case. Still, it could still end up being overlooked and one could simply move on.
In addition to this, one could find that when it comes to the people they have been attracted to in the past, they might see that they are only drawn to people who are not available. So if someone is distant, they could find that they end up pursuing them.
It can then be as if they only want to be with someone if they can’t have them, and if they can, they are not interested in them. The people who were available in the past would then have been the ones who repelled them.
Therefore, if someone wanted to attract them, they would need to make sure that they don’t come on too strong or give them too much attention. As if they do this, it will cause one to chase them.
But as soon as they change their behaviour, one is likely to end up pulling away and that could be the end of it. It could be said that this will the kind of relationship where a lot of games will be played.
A Deeper Look
When one experiences life in this way, it is likely to show that they don’t feel comfortable with intimacy. They are going to have two fears that will define how they behave, and one will be stronger than the other.
Their fear of being engulfed will stop them from being able to feel comfortable with someone who is available, and their fear of being abandoned will cause them to chase someone who is unavailable.
And of course, the fear of being engulfed will play a big part in why they are drawn to someone who is unable to be there for them. This is also likely to show that one doesn’t have good boundaries.
During their younger years, they may have been brought up by a caregiver who didn’t respect their boundaries, and this would have caused them to feel smothered. These early experiences would then have set them up to fear getting close to others.
If one wants to change this, it will be necessary for them to develop boundaries and to deal with what is taking place within them. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.