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For some women out there, it can seem as though they have a sign on their forehead that says ‘’abusive men only’’. And this is due to their experience of only attracting men who are abusive. It may even go further than this and a woman could come to the conclusion that all men are the same. Here, not just one man or the men that she attracts will be seen as abusive, but every man on the planet. But whether a woman has formed one of the views above or another one, it is unlikely to lead to a sense of hope or to a good outlook of the opposite sex. To attract a man who is respectful, loving and kind for instance, can seem like nothing more than a dream or good idea. The Illusion However, like any women who has been attracted to an abusive man will know; how they first appear is completely different to who they later become. This is like any other kind of trap that is used to entice someone or something. It has to be appealing and gratifying or it wouldn’t work. And although this man could come across as being a certain way, there is going to many ways that this comes across. It could be that the man is: confident, self assured, funny, supportive, charming, kind or intelligent and many other ways. Together these traits can be powerful, but just one of these traits can be enough to attract a women. Emotional State When it comes to the type of abuser that a woman will be attracted to, it can depend on where she is at emotionally. Even though different women can be attracted to different traits, the consequences are generally the same, with the end result being some kind of abuse And while some women will have a certain emotional state their while life and for others this state can be the result of experiencing a loss or during a time of stress and pain. So, by a women being vulnerable, either as a result of a recent occurrence or through her natural disposition, she will be drawn in by the abuser. And as they feel at a lower place in some way, it is then only natural for them to be attracted to a male that appears to posses that which they do not have. Conscious And Unconscious In the case of the woman who is feeling vulnerable or needy as a result of a recent occurrence, this is likely to be felt at a conscious level, but for the woman who has felt needy or vulnerable for most of her life, it could be fairly unconscious and rarely known consciously. And this is where these two types of women are often different. If a women has felt vulnerable for most of her life, to be with an abusive male can feel normal. But, if a woman has only felt this way recently, then being with an abusive male may soon create discomfort. This means that this type of women could soon leave the abuser, as it’s not what feels normal. Or it could mean that they will gradually get used to it over time and therefore put up with the abuse. It’s Familiar For women who have felt vulnerable their whole life, it may feel normal to be with a man that is abusive. And when it comes to women who haven’t felt this way their whole life, it is unlikely to feel normal. This is not to say that they consciously feel this way, but at a deeper level it can feel familiar and therefore safe. And this can relate to how they were treated as a child; with these early experiences being mirrored in their interactions and relationships with men. The Disconnection As a result of these experiences happening a long time ago, it can lead to a kind of amnesia. But although the mind has forgotten about these early experiences, the body hasn’t. The kind of relationships that a woman is having with a man can then match these early experiences. And yet through a women being cut off from those times, it can all seem random and as something that is happening to them, as opposed to something they are actively playing a part in. The First Model When it comes to how a women views a man and the kind of man that she feels comfortable with, the primary influence is the father. How she was treated by her father and how her father treated her mother will have a massive impact. And regardless of whether this early behaviour was functional or dysfunctional, it will be what the ego mind formed as familiar and therefore safe. This is what can create conflict: a woman is not going to want to relive them, if the early experiences were dysfunctional or unhealthy. But as the ego mind has associated these experiences as being what is familiar and safe; it will mean that they will continue to attract men who mirror these experiences in some way. The Early Wound This doesn’t mean that women had to have a father who was extremely abusive to attract a man who is abusive; it could be that these early experiences created an early wound and this lead to a tolerance for abuse. And over time, they gradually become more accepting of abuse. Awareness In order to attract a man who is not abusive, it will be important to let go of what the ego mind has come to associate as familiar and therefore safe. This could mean that repressed emotions will also have to be released. As these emotions are released, the type of man that a woman is attracted to will change. This process can be assisted with the help of a therapist, healer, trusted friend or a coach for example
54 Comments
sam
10/7/2013 09:11:29 am
As someone who has over 20 years personal experience on this matter..id like to say well written :-) 10/7/2013 09:49:08 am
Hello Sam,
Georgi
2/10/2013 01:23:55 pm
I am 17 and I was with one guy from when I was 14 for 2 and a half years who hit me because 'I needed to learn' and emotionally abused me with possessiveness and hurtful comments. he pulled me away from my friends and I became dependent on him and depressed. I then went to a different college to him. After 4 months of college I finally got out of this relationship after my parents told me to. I never saw this guy again. a couple hours after I broke up with him a male friend who id discussed this with sed he was attracted to me and a week later we started going out and he made me feel confident and that my last boyfriend was just unfair. then he began to change and even said one day when I didn't want to do physical stuff with him in public that he could understand why my ex boyfriend hit me and became very temperamental. I stayed in this relationship for 6 months and there were good times as he was nice but for every good time I knew there would be a bad time. he pulled me away from my family saying they were bad from me and wanted me only to spend time with him and his family. I was scared of him making my college life horrible as id had such a horrible school experience of people throwing things and laughing at me in class but a friend told me this wasn't a reason to stay with him. I broke up with him eventually but have to see him every day as were both doing the same course at college. he says horrible things behind my back and is trying to turn my friends against me but wont say anything to my face. when I confronted him he told me that these things all happened to me because I 'pissed people off' and that it was my fault and everyone hates me I just had to realise. and then he told me never to speak to him again so I deleted his number and of social networks and all pictures of us. you say this is cause by having an unhealthy relationship with my father but my parents are still together and hes never abused me or my mum so I don't understand what went wrong with these relationships and if its a pattern or unlucky coincidence. and was he right is it really my fault? 3/10/2013 10:20:12 am
Hello Georgi,
Deb Ganney
1/9/2014 08:39:44 am
Georgi, THIS WAS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR FAULT. Abusers cannot accept responsibility and due to their feelings of low self esteem and confidence levels they feel empowered by beating up their partners. I found most a right fighters (they are never wrong) They take as being wrong a sign of weakness. A woman should never accept responsibility of someone else's actions especially someone who states they love them. Love is an acronym for trust, mutual respect, accountability, personal failures and success.. Always try to remember you cannot control some one's actions, for they do not belong to you as yours do not belong to someone else's. You mentioned he had changed once you were into the relationship. People do not change, Their masks fall off. Some things in life are not in our control and an abusers thoughts and actions are or should be at the top of the list. When a woman says she loves the abuser My personal views are she loves the person she first met or the person she wishes him to be. A woman should love herself so much that she does not need a man,but wants one in her life,to share life with. Abusers can pick out the vulnerability in a woman. I was in a 20 year marriage with someone who emotionally abused me and my children..Yes the were his also. No matter what I did or did not do he picked me apart because it was not his way of doing things and his way was right, everyone else was wrong. I finally could not take it any more and packed up with the kids. Love yourself enough to find out why you keep attracting these type of men. Make yourself a checklist and every potential date, pay attention to their body language and conversation. If they just talk mostly about themselves and take very little interest in you,walk away. I wish you thr best in having a fulfilling relationship(s) in your life. Every woman deserves what she is looking for and I don't think an abuser would make thr check list.
Liz
13/4/2020 06:37:36 pm
I’ve literally 24hours left a mentally abusive marriage, started one month after we married, would have been 3rd anniversary in October. Our first 10months of the relationship was the happiest I’ve ever been (I’m 54) . I’ve read a lot in 24 hours and your comment really made sense. The mask came off, that really made sense. I’m bereaving the man I had for those special, happiest 10 months.
sophie mullervey
30/12/2013 04:43:36 am
I would like to say thank you for this article, as someone who has always attracted violent abusive men I needed to read this. I've just gone into a new relationship that already has all the warning signs. I spent a year in therapy and although I still need to do further work on self love my gut has learnt to react strongly to warning signs. 30/12/2013 04:59:37 am
Hello Sophie,
cadice
11/1/2014 04:57:59 pm
Hi I know this is an old topic. 12/1/2014 02:13:26 am
Hello Cadice,
mj
3/9/2016 03:16:30 pm
You may be interpreting fear for excitement.
Dan
1/9/2014 05:34:01 pm
Hi Oliver, 2/9/2014 02:22:26 am
Hello Dan,
Why
20/9/2014 08:17:44 pm
It hurts me to know that the woman I loved was married to a man who was much older than her, did not give her anything, as the article says shamed her in front of her family and her family. Yet, she did not accept what I tried to give her, often scolding me for not knowing what she needed, and giving me mixed signals. I'm no great ladies man, despite my ability to get phone numbers, but I am intelligent or good looking enough. I was shy sexually, and sometimes think that this was the main issue. Why would a woman not be happy when I love her, and try to point out my flaws? Why would this same woman fall in love with a man who was much older,worked in a dead end job all his life, was abusive, irresponsible, and outright a rotten man with no respect or love for this woman? 21/9/2014 06:16:04 am
Hello,
tt
8/10/2014 04:05:04 pm
Hi 8/10/2014 04:22:22 pm
Hello tt,
I loathe myself sometimes for being physically attracted to and longing for the abusive persons that have been in my life. I have had two seriously abusive relationships. The first was in my mid-twenties. I remember sitting on a bed with him in a hotel that I paid for him to stay in and feeling so completely comfortable with him. So completely at-ease. He was my first experience with a real criminal and I remember not being able to fathom that anyone could possibly do the things that he did. A few weeks into the relationship I realized that he was helping himself to my bank account; had copied my pin when I was withdrawing money to loan him. I confronted him and exclaimed, “I never want to see you again!” Some more weeks passed and I could not stop myself from urgently longing for him. What he had done did not diminish my physical attraction for him and longing to be with him. I reconnected, believed his emphatic apologies and excuses and proceeded to engage with him for almost five years. The relationship blossomed from thievery, lies, and infidelity to physical abuse and stalking. I neglected my daughter and lied to her and my mother countless times to be with him. The only way I was able to move on was when he was physically removed from me and in prison. He was gone long enough for me to follow through with a restraining order and begin to appreciate a life mostly free of drama and danger. I have felt disgust with myself over the years for exposing myself and my family to the abuse and crime that he operated by. I carry profound guilt over exposing my mother to his thievery. I often lament, that I wasted five years tied up with him. 29/1/2015 04:18:05 am
Hello Diana,
Ines
12/4/2015 09:40:36 am
Absolutely the best research on this subject I have read so far. It is such a difficult process and it is just better to look at the source of abussive relationships and it's sources instead of the continious comments on being abused or not. Very clear and very helpful! Thank you! 12/4/2015 09:49:41 am
Hello Ines,
Julie
17/6/2015 02:27:09 pm
Thank you very helpful I have been in a relationship for 8 years on and off I have already left a horrible marriage. I think the point of being familiar is very true it's almost as if I am uncomfortable and disbelieve someone who is nice to me. 18/6/2015 03:30:30 am
Hello Julie,
Holly
27/8/2015 11:41:24 am
This article has been very helpful for me. I was abused by my father as a child and have had a string of abusive relationships. In a strange kind of way i have been floating through life not taking in the outside world, like just existing and going from one bad situation to the next. Recently the connection was pointed out to me between my childhood and my recent partners. I have just started therapy as i was severely depressed and im realising that in a weird way i was attracted to abusive men because i thought it was the norm. It is very confusing for me but im coming to terms with what is normal and what is abuse.. I cannot wait to start a normal life and see what its like to have loving friendships and partners as i've never had one 27/8/2015 01:06:42 pm
Hello Holly,
Ken
26/11/2015 02:56:26 am
I think I dated a woman recently who has an "early wound" that makes her gravitate toward abusive men. She said her mother was abusive to her, "body shaming" her and acting "crazy." She also said she thought her abusive ex-husband was like her mother. 6/12/2015 08:16:58 pm
Hello Ken,
I was married to an abusive man who walked out after our twins were born. One baby had serious medical issues and my husband literally just walked out when they were four months old! 29/1/2016 11:11:44 am
Hello Eliza,
srkmdn
1/2/2016 01:46:44 am
I was abused very young and since i have been in and out of relationships with the kind of men who no one deserves , i am so confused i generally don't understand why and i feel responsible like i seek them out . Only 3 people knew about it (the abuse was not in my family and my family still are unaware). i feel myself slipping back into a state of mental childhood and sicken'd that i find myself so comfortable with men who are cruel , i don't enjoy it but its so familiar i stay there and have no idea how to get away 1/2/2016 07:51:00 pm
Hello,
Sk
2/2/2016 02:23:50 am
I must say, even though I found your article useful, your readers' comments were even more so, mainly because I can relate to them. I, like a lot of women drawn to abusive men, was abused as a child: sexually, emotionally, physically, verbally and not just by one person. Therapy has shown me that I became a co-dependent at a young age. I learnt to try keeping my abuser happy, that way the abuse wouldn't be as bad or as often. But abusers are never happy and will always find something to pick on. 11/2/2016 07:27:03 pm
Hello SK,
Isaac
11/2/2016 03:53:25 pm
There's always the possibility that the woman (Or man) is a Masochist, which literally means "the condition in which sexual or other gratification depends on one's suffering physical pain or humiliation." in which case, as long as the abusive party does love and care for the abused party, I see nothing wrong with the relationship. 2/3/2016 01:04:24 am
Hello Isaac,
Lyn
13/7/2017 06:40:00 am
Surely masochism has it's roots firmly embedded in confusing pain & fear with intimacy. Why would you say a masochistic role is not about being abused. Of course it is! It's just about agreeing to the abuse on a conscious level. Please call a spade a spade.
Lyn
13/7/2017 06:34:33 am
OMG! Perhaps you see no problem with rape either? After all, don't the guys who do that say 'ah, she wanted it!' Also, isn't the whole sado/maso thing just another way of fulfilling the abuser and abused roles?
Samantha Johnstone
28/2/2016 07:35:29 pm
This is a very good article to read and the comments resonate with me alot. Firstly I left an toxic abusive relationship 2 years ago after 15 years together but since then i seem to have attracted the same abusive type of men. So I started to make a list of all the men's characteristics and they where all very similar. Once I started doing this i started to build a clearer picture of what are positive characteristics are and how to identify non abusive men. I am yet to have one in my life but there is no rush I suppose and the longer it takes for me to find I am sure it will be the right one. 1/3/2016 10:38:51 am
Hello Samantha,
Tammy
9/3/2016 03:32:56 pm
all I can say is WOW. I thought after years of not having experienced this. I went thru a divorce after 28 years of marriage of a non-abuser, then I met an abusive person again. 11/3/2016 12:52:51 am
Hello Tammy.
Rebecca
27/3/2016 07:59:59 pm
I found this very insightful and well written. Like most commenters here, I've also been abused. My father has always been aggressive and I internalised feelings of worthlessness after having them projected onto me. From adolescence onwards I dealt with abusers - I was even kidnapped and assaulted. As a result of my low self esteem I accepted the abuse. I would have men grab me in the street while my boyfriend watched. I thought, 'this is normal'. 29/3/2016 09:02:48 pm
Hello Rebecca,
Missy
11/4/2016 02:14:46 am
I don't get it. How can you be attracted to something bad and painful?? I was abused as a child and everything about it screamed in my face that I wanted NOTHING to do with anyone who was abusive. The moment a guys starts getting bossy or raises his voice or even remotely becomes aggressive or abusive, I kick him to the curb. I would never allow any man to abuse me. I was abused for over a decade and it NEVER became normal. I never liked it. It was never familiar. I never once thought I deserved it. I never dreamed of finding an abusive man. I never accepted even a guy who was a simple jerk let alone abusive. Im sorry I dont get why people choose suffering when then could choose not suffering. It makes no sense to me. 11/4/2016 11:43:48 am
Hello, I've seen my dad abuse my mom my entire life and i'm almost 18. What does this spell out for the rest of my life? I've been attracted to some guys and what always occurs is that i deem them "too nice" and my attraction for them falls. What am I supposed to do to change this pattern and save myself from an abusive partner? 13/4/2016 10:53:32 am
Hello Anand,
Mandy Riccobena
20/10/2016 09:50:36 am
I have had much abuse. 24/10/2016 01:27:34 pm
Hello Mandy,
Tim
18/11/2023 12:11:25 am
My god. What happened to you. If this is the Mandy I knew ? I didn’t know those things. I cannot say my feelings for you but I will always be there to help you if you need me. Xx
Courtney Lo
20/12/2016 01:12:10 am
I have a female cousin that really seems to be attracted to abusive men. I don't mean that she gets a nice guy and then the guy turns violent... There have been situations where the guy actually tells her (upfront) that he is abusive or "makes his women get in line by force or by choice". In most of her relationships she really isn't a victim, but seemingly a willing participant in the madness. I believe that she is also abusive to her boyfriends also. Can you shed some light on this? My cousin is a successful doctor, nice looking. Most times she portrays herself as the victim... Misleading willing listeners with stories that have details left out that would change the entire dynamic of the story being told. For example... She would tell you how abusive her boyfriend was, but leave out that she knew he was abusive before she started dating him or leave out that her friend earned her not to get with this particular guy before she actually had any time invested with him 20/12/2016 08:33:43 pm
Hello Courtney,
Tempe Jean Arizona
21/1/2017 05:03:16 am
Wow, this sounds like my daughter. I left her father when she was 6 because of his violence. When he began strangling me and the kids saw and started screaming I left. I thought I left before any damage had been done, but my daughter has been in physical and emotional abusive relationships. She is having a breakdown right now, because she wants him back, despite the emotional abuse he puts her through. The hateful, hateful comments, the blame he puts on her. She would do anything for him. He did nothing for her. Not even driving her to the store. She would walk and carry groceries back for him. I don't know how to help her. If I had left earlier maybe she wouldn't allow men to do this. 4/2/2017 02:57:18 pm
Hello Tempe Jean Arizona, Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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