Relationships: Why Are Some Women Emotionally Unavailable?

It’s not uncommon to hear that women want to settle down and that men want to ‘play the field’. And based on this, women want to be in a relationship and men are not bothered about being in one.

This is how men and women are generally portrayed and in some cases, this is going to be  true. But, although this may seem to reflect the truth, it is not an absolute truth. There are going to be some women out there who can relate to it and some who can’t, and the same will apply to men.

Finding The One

And just because a woman wants to settle down, it doesn’t mean that this is what takes place. She may find that she can’t seem to find the one or that as soon as she does find someone suitable, something happens and it ends, amongst other things.

Just as there are going be women who don’t want to find the one and are therefore happy to avoid anything too serious. It is not on their mind and if they were to end up in situation where the other person wanted more, there is the chance that they will pull away.

Open Minded

However, even though they’re not looking for a relationship, it doesn’t mean they won’t go further. They could meet someone, realise they want more and be only too happy to end up in a relationship with them.

Emotional Creatures

It would be easy to say that women are like this because they’re ‘emotional creatures’ and that they don’t know what they won’t. This is something that might come out of a man’s mouth and yet, the same thing can happen to men.

Men have emotions just like women and there are going to be times when a man is not looking for a relationship and then ends up in one. Therefore, it has not something that only relates to women, it is something that can happen to both genders. A woman might even use this stereotype and use it as a way to justify her behaviour.

Emotional Control

So while women are often portrayed as having no emotional control, men are often seen as being emotional cut off. But these are largely the result of how men and women have been conditioned and do not reflect the truth.

Women can experience emotional control, just as men can; just as there are women who are emotionally cut off and men who are emotionally out of control. The world is made up of all types of people and there are exceptions when it comes to both genders.

Two Sides

For some women, the desire is going to be there to attract someone for a serious relationship, but that is as far as it will go. It is not so much that they don’t meet people who are suitable; it is that they are unable to let people in.

Just as there will be some women who don’t want anything serious. And it is not that they don’t want anything serious, it is just that this is what feels comfortable. They might be aware of why they can’t let a man get too close to them or they might not.

Perfect Partner

The person or people will appear and there will be something about them that isn’t quite right. In the eyes of others this could be something fairly trivial but in their eyes, it is not something that they can overlook.

However, this person might be someone who ticks all the boxes and is exactly what they’re looking for. But as soon as this person appears, they change their mind.

Unavailable Men

On the other hand, they may come across a man or men who are unavailable and end up feeling attracted to them. This might relate to someone who has a girlfriend or to someone who lives miles away or in another country.

And based on what they are looking for, this person might be suitable or they might be the opposite of what they are looking for. The woman may be confused as to why this is and her friends are also likely to be just as confused.

Not Suitable

A woman could also have a pattern of attracting men that are not her type. She may end up spending time with them, but she doesn’t allow the man to get too close to her. Part of her is held back and the man doesn’t get to connect to her at a deeper level.

This could be someone she just has in her life to take care of certain needs. The man may realise what is taking place or he could be oblivious to it. On one side the women might not be completely happy as she knows he’s not suitable and on the other side, it could be what feels comfortable.

Multiple Partners

Another thing that can happen is that a woman will have more than one man on the go or who she treats as more than just a ‘friend’. These men may only get so close to her and while they might be her type, they might not.

The relationship she has with each of them could be purely sexual in nature and not include feelings. This doesn’t mean her mind won’t be involved, what it does mean is that her heart won’t be.

Emotionally Unavailable

The above is what can happen when a woman is emotionally unavailable. What happens externally may alter, but what is taking place internally is not going to change. There is going to be conflict within her, and this will relate to her need to experience intimacy and her fear of intimacy

Getting close to a man is going to be something that makes her feel uncomfortable and while this can be the result of what has happened in her adults years, it is likely to relate to what happened during her childhood years. These years would have created an inner model of what it means to get close to another person.

Childhood

For a woman, it is likely to be the experiences she had with her father that created her inner model when it comes to getting close to another person. But, this is not always the case, and it can relate to what her mother was like.

And during these years, her boundaries may have been violated and this then set her up to fear intimacy. Perhaps her father or mother, were: controlling, smothering, overwhelming and/or abusive.

Time Passes

So in the beginning this was an external problem that one had to put up with, and now it is an internal problem that one is putting up with. This is why it won’t matter if ones caregivers live close by or are still alive, as the associations that were formed all those years ago have remained within them.

How one felt all those years ago is likely to have stayed trapped in their body. And when they get close to someone, these feelings will end up being triggered and one will pull away. If one is not aware of what is taking place, they’re likely to project their feelings onto the other person.

Round In Circles

Pulling away or keeping people at a distance might allow them to feel better for a short while, but it won’t really change anything. And this is because their feelings are only being triggered by others and are not caused by them

If one is out of touch with how they feel and when they first had these feelings, it is to be expected that they will see other people as being the problem. The mind can forget the past, but the body doesn’t.

Awareness

What this shows is that one is still emotionally connected to their caregiver/s and that they still need to break away. This is often described as the psychological birth and is something that needs to happen in order for one become emotionally separate.

If how one felt all those years ago has remained trapped in their body, then it will need to be released. And as these emotional experiences are processed and integrated, a woman will start to feel that it is safe for her to open her heart. The assistance of a therapist or healer may be required here. 

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Oliver J R Cooper 
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/