To have needs is part of being human and this means that it is not something to be ashamed of. Yet, just because this is the case, it doesn’t mean that one feels comfortable with their needs, and this can cause them to come across as being needless.
They then act as if they don’t have needs and this is going to mean that they are going against their true nature. The ideal will be for one to feel comfortable with their needs and this will allow them to get them met.
If the options above don’t apply to someone, then there is the chance that they will come across as being needy. One then doesn’t hide their needs, but it won’t matter how much they receive, as it won’t be enough.
It would be easy to say that some people are needless and others are needy, but this is not the case. One may come across as being one may, but it doesn’t mean they won’t swing to the other side of the spectrum from time to time.
Just because someone acts a certain way in one environment, it doesn’t mean they will act in the same way in another. How they feel is also going to have an impact on how they behave. So it would be an oversight to say that someone is always the same, no matter how much they have identified with certain type of behaviour.
If one is with someone they feel comfortable with, they may come across as being needy. But if they were with someone who they didn’t feel comfortable with, they may come across as being needless.
Their need for approval could cause them to be focused on the others needs and to come across as being needless. Yet it could also depend on how well they know the other person and in what stage of the relationship they are in.
It doesn’t matter whether someone is a man or a woman, as this is not something that only applies to one gender. How someone looks also has no bearing on whether they are needy or not. One could be classed as ‘attractive’ or they might not, but that is irrelevant.
When someone looks a certain way, it is as easy to assume that they have it all together. But just because someone looks good, it doesn’t mean they have it all together, far from it. While they may look a certain way, it doesn’t make them immune to the challenges of life or mean that they had a healthy childhood.
When some women meet a guy, they are going to come on strong and although they could say that this is because they like them, this might not be the complete truth. It might not matter whether the guy comes across as distant or not, as it might not have an effect on their behaviour. If they are with the guy, they might settle down or they could still act in the same way.
So if a woman acts in this way, she could also be described as being clingy. The man may enjoy the attention in the beginning as it will give him a sense of control and enable him to get his needs met, but as time passes, it could be too much.
He then ends up pulling away and as this takes place, it could cause the women to push even further. Her intention is to bring the man closer, but her behaviour has the opposite effect. However, this could all take place without the woman realising what part she is playing in what is happening (and what may have happened many times before).
In the past, this may have meant that a woman turned up at the man’s house or where he worked without being asked, but this is no longer necessary. Instead, a woman can call, use social media or some kind of app in order to maintain contact, and this means that she doesn’t need to be in his presence to make him feel overwhelmed.
What this can show is that the woman doesn’t believe the man will stick around and her behaviour is then a way for her to stop the man from leaving her. And because of how she feels on the inside, there is the need for constant reassurance.
Yet, although a woman feels a certain way, it doesn’t mean that her reality matches up with how she feels. This means that the man may be distant, but it could also mean that she is unable to realise the man is not going anywhere and ends up projecting how she feels onto him. It is then a self-fulfilling prophecy and she ends up sabotaging her interactions and relationships with men.
If they didn’t feel as they did on the inside, they wouldn’t behave in the same way; their behaviour is then a way for them to regulate how they feel. On the inside is likely to be the fear of being abandoned.
It is said that one can’t be abandoned as an adult and that this is something that can only take place as a child. So if one fears being abandoned as an adult, it shows that they are carrying childhood pain.
Just because one looks like an adult, it doesn’t mean they feel like one. Physically one will usually grow with age, but their emotionally body doesn’t work it the same way. This means that one can end up being emotionally stuck at a certain age.
During her younger years, she may have been brought up by a caregiver that was emotionally and/or physically unavailable. Feeling abandoned was then part of her childhood and until this pain has been dealt with, she will continue to do everything she can to avoid having to face how she felt as a child.
To be abandoned during these years would have felt like death and this is because one wouldn’t have had the ability to regulate how they were feeling or to detach from the experience. And as one was left, there can also be the fear of being smothered.
Being clingy can then push people away and create distance, but the distance that is created could be familiar and therefore what feels safe at a deeper level. If one was to attract someone who was available, it could feel uncomfortable. So although this dynamic creates pain, it is what one is drawn to because of what happened during their childhood.
If a woman wants to put an end to this and to experience life differently, it is going to be important for her to grieve her unmet childhood needs. As the pain of her past is processed, she will feel different and this means that she will be attracted to different men.
This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group.
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Oliver J R Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.