Relationships: Why Do Some Men Feel Powerless With Women?

It is a human need to feel a sense of power; with the most important power of all said to be based around having a sense of personal power. This is more of an inner power, where one is generally in control of themselves, as opposed to being in control of others.

And when it comes to the area of relationships between men and women, it is vital that a man feels a sense of empowerment when it comes to attracting, relating to and being with a woman. Just as it is equally important for a woman to feel this way when it comes to relating to a man.

A man’s sense of masculinity and identify can often depend on this area of life. And if a man doesn’t feel empowered here, it can lead to negative consequences in just about every other area of their life.

The Ideal

Here a man would feel a healthy sense of power when it comes to women.  And that they have the power to attract a women or women and to have their needs and wants met in a healthy and functional way.

This can include many different needs and wants. And these can relate to the following areas: sex, intimacy, support, love and affection for instance. The man may not always be able to attract the woman that he wanted, but this doesn’t necessarily mean he would have to settle or go without either.

And as people are individuals, have free will and their own preferences for example; it would be dysfunctional to expect to attract anyone one wanted. But this won’t be a concern for the man who feels empowered: as although he may not get the woman or women he wants, his needs will be met in one way or another.

The Other Side

For some men, the above will not be something that they can relate to. They will feel that they don’t have the power to have their needs met in an empowered way by a woman or women.

And this can include their biggest needs, to needs that are not as important. This can cause them to become very familiar with feelings of: anger, rejection, despair, frustration, powerlessness and hopelessness.

To them it can be a choice of either going without or in having to settle for someone who they are not really attracted to. Or they may get lucky once in a while and attract someone who they do find attractive.

It may be another day and it may be another experience with a different woman, but the consequences are often the same. And this means that the man will end up feeling powerless.

Another Option

While some men who feel powerless will live a life that is similar to the one above, there will be others who will end up choosing another option. And this will be one of control and manipulation.

So what they feel on the inside will be covered up and denied by controlling a woman or women in general. By doing this, it will allow the man to regulate these inner feelings and emotions.

But as this process is only a short term solution, women will have to be constantly controlled in some way. If they are not controlled these painful feelings will soon return.

From One Extreme To Another

And another consequence of feeling powerless within can cause a man to create a life where they need to have more than one woman. It’s as if one woman won’t cover up their inner fears and so they need many women to do this.

If this lifestyle is not maintained, the inner fears of being powerless will surface once more. And so this has to become a kind of obsession and addiction in order to keep the feelings at bay. This means a lot of energy and time will have to be placed on this area of one’s life

But it is also possible for a man to become overly attached to just one woman. To lose their identity, integrity and purpose just to avoid feeling powerless once more.

Black and White

This is not to say that a man will either be one or the other of these two extremes I have described above; as a man can switch between the two depending on different factors.

These can be: how they feel, what’s going on in their life, the environment that there in and the effect a woman has on them.

The Power Of Feelings

What is clear here is that feelings have incredible power and control. These feelings are defining how a man sees the opposite sex and in how they behave around them for instance.

But where did these feelings come from, did they just appear out of nowhere or was there a cause? And I think in order to gain a better understanding of where they may have come from; we need to take a closer look at childhood development.

Childhood

It is here that a man is likely to have his first experience of a woman. And this woman can then become the man’s model of what women are like. Here he will learn: if his needs, wants and desires are important or not. If a woman can be trusted and if he is worthy of a woman’s: time, love, affection and attention.

The Empathic Mother

Now, if as a child the man has a mother that is empathic, it is likely to lead to a man that will have developed a healthy sense of empowerment in relation to women. The mother will generally be emotionally available and in tune with the Childs needs and wants.

This means that the child will be: validated, mirrored, soothed, touched, accepted, approved of and loved. And when the child experiences certain emotions that are too strong or overwhelming, the mother will help to regulate the child.

Through the mother responding to the child in this way, the Child gradually forms a sense of empowerment and healthy control. It is through the mother that a man has his first experience of power.

The Unempathic Mother

This is a mother that is generally emotionally unavailable and out of tune with the Childs needs and wants. And as a result of having a mother who acts in this way, it can lead to a man that doesn’t develop a healthy sense of empowerment when it comes to not only women, but life in general.

The child can be: invalidated, abandoned, ignored, controlled and rejected. And during times of emotional overwhelment, the mother is unlikely to regulate the child.

As a result of this taking place, it can lead to a multitude of problems. And if ones mother didn’t respond or show love, care or affection, it can create the outlook that all women will be the same.

Repression

Due to the mother being unavailable or dismissive in some way, it will mean that the pain that was experienced during these moments will have had to have been repressed. For some men this will have been more extreme than it will be for others.

And this pain can include moments of: anger, frustration, rejection, abandonment, loss, isolation, hopelessness, grief, loneliness and despair.

While years have passed and the man no longer looks like a child, these emotions can remain in the body and this means that they are being retriggered by women. But the awareness of where these feelings originally came from can be unknown to the mind.

The Story

The mind can then come up with all kinds of stories and reasons as to why one keeps experiencing the same situations over and over again. However, the answers are not in the mind, they are in the body.

To the mind this story can feel normal and familiar. And as it’s familiar, it is also what is classed as safe. So although one may be fed up with this story, the mind can feel comfortable with it.

Awareness

In order for a man to realise a healthy sense of empowerment with women, it will be important to release these repressed feelings. And as these are released, it will enable one to be present and to no longer relive the experience that they had as a child.

This can be done through the assistance of a therapist or healer that allows one to go into their feelings and release them. 

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Oliver J R Cooper 
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/