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Relationships: Why Do Some Men Feel Powerless With Women?

17/6/2013

12 Comments

 
It is a human need to feel a sense of power; with the most important power of all said to be based around having a sense of personal power. This is more of an inner power, where one is generally in control of themselves, as opposed to being in control of others.

And when it comes to the area of relationships between men and women, it is vital that a man feels a sense of empowerment when it comes to attracting, relating to and being with a woman. Just as it is equally important for a woman to feel this way when it comes to relating to a man.

A man’s sense of masculinity and identify can often depend on this area of life. And if a man doesn’t feel empowered here, it can lead to negative consequences in just about every other area of their life.

The Ideal

Here a man would feel a healthy sense of power when it comes to women.  And that they have the power to attract a women or women and to have their needs and wants met in a healthy and functional way.

This can include many different needs and wants. And these can relate to the following areas: sex, intimacy, support, love and affection for instance. The man may not always be able to attract the woman that he wanted, but this doesn’t necessarily mean he would have to settle or go without either.

And as people are individuals, have free will and their own preferences for example; it would be dysfunctional to expect to attract anyone one wanted. But this won’t be a concern for the man who feels empowered: as although he may not get the woman or women he wants, his needs will be met in one way or another.

The Other Side

For some men, the above will not be something that they can relate to. They will feel that they don’t have the power to have their needs met in an empowered way by a woman or women.

And this can include their biggest needs, to needs that are not as important. This can cause them to become very familiar with feelings of: anger, rejection, despair, frustration, powerlessness and hopelessness.

To them it can be a choice of either going without or in having to settle for someone who they are not really attracted to. Or they may get lucky once in a while and attract someone who they do find attractive.

It may be another day and it may be another experience with a different woman, but the consequences are often the same. And this means that the man will end up feeling powerless.

Another Option

While some men who feel powerless will live a life that is similar to the one above, there will be others who will end up choosing another option. And this will be one of control and manipulation.

So what they feel on the inside will be covered up and denied by controlling a woman or women in general. By doing this, it will allow the man to regulate these inner feelings and emotions.

But as this process is only a short term solution, women will have to be constantly controlled in some way. If they are not controlled these painful feelings will soon return.

From One Extreme To Another

And another consequence of feeling powerless within can cause a man to create a life where they need to have more than one woman. It’s as if one woman won’t cover up their inner fears and so they need many women to do this.

If this lifestyle is not maintained, the inner fears of being powerless will surface once more. And so this has to become a kind of obsession and addiction in order to keep the feelings at bay. This means a lot of energy and time will have to be placed on this area of one’s life

But it is also possible for a man to become overly attached to just one woman. To lose their identity, integrity and purpose just to avoid feeling powerless once more.

Black and White

This is not to say that a man will either be one or the other of these two extremes I have described above; as a man can switch between the two depending on different factors.

These can be: how they feel, what’s going on in their life, the environment that there in and the effect a woman has on them.

The Power Of Feelings

What is clear here is that feelings have incredible power and control. These feelings are defining how a man sees the opposite sex and in how they behave around them for instance.

But where did these feelings come from, did they just appear out of nowhere or was there a cause? And I think in order to gain a better understanding of where they may have come from; we need to take a closer look at childhood development.

Childhood

It is here that a man is likely to have his first experience of a woman. And this woman can then become the man’s model of what women are like. Here he will learn: if his needs, wants and desires are important or not. If a woman can be trusted and if he is worthy of a woman’s: time, love, affection and attention.

The Empathic Mother

Now, if as a child the man has a mother that is empathic, it is likely to lead to a man that will have developed a healthy sense of empowerment in relation to women. The mother will generally be emotionally available and in tune with the Childs needs and wants.

This means that the child will be: validated, mirrored, soothed, touched, accepted, approved of and loved. And when the child experiences certain emotions that are too strong or overwhelming, the mother will help to regulate the child.

Through the mother responding to the child in this way, the Child gradually forms a sense of empowerment and healthy control. It is through the mother that a man has his first experience of power.

The Unempathic Mother

This is a mother that is generally emotionally unavailable and out of tune with the Childs needs and wants. And as a result of having a mother who acts in this way, it can lead to a man that doesn’t develop a healthy sense of empowerment when it comes to not only women, but life in general.

The child can be: invalidated, abandoned, ignored, controlled and rejected. And during times of emotional overwhelment, the mother is unlikely to regulate the child.

As a result of this taking place, it can lead to a multitude of problems. And if ones mother didn’t respond or show love, care or affection, it can create the outlook that all women will be the same.

Repression

Due to the mother being unavailable or dismissive in some way, it will mean that the pain that was experienced during these moments will have had to have been repressed. For some men this will have been more extreme than it will be for others.

And this pain can include moments of: anger, frustration, rejection, abandonment, loss, isolation, hopelessness, grief, loneliness and despair.

While years have passed and the man no longer looks like a child, these emotions can remain in the body and this means that they are being retriggered by women. But the awareness of where these feelings originally came from can be unknown to the mind.

The Story

The mind can then come up with all kinds of stories and reasons as to why one keeps experiencing the same situations over and over again. However, the answers are not in the mind, they are in the body.

To the mind this story can feel normal and familiar. And as it’s familiar, it is also what is classed as safe. So although one may be fed up with this story, the mind can feel comfortable with it.

Awareness

In order for a man to realise a healthy sense of empowerment with women, it will be important to release these repressed feelings. And as these are released, it will enable one to be present and to no longer relive the experience that they had as a child.

This can be done through the assistance of a therapist or healer that allows one to go into their feelings and release them. 

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get  in touch. And feel free to share this article. 

Oliver J R Cooper 
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
12 Comments
Ewomab
28/10/2013 01:05:03 am

This article is phenomenal and very insightful. It covers a wide range of issues that are very intriguing to women. Questions: What happens when the father abandons a child to the man's sense of power? As a woman, how can I help a repressed one who react by avoiding the relationship to not feel powerless?

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper link
28/10/2013 03:02:21 am

Hello Ewomab,

thanks for your kind words.

I would say that they could see a therapist or someone similar and release the feelings and emotions that have been trapped in their body. As this happens, they will begin to realize their power.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Ewomab
28/10/2013 04:45:44 pm

That makes sense but as a partner, there is nothing you can do if someone pushes you away? Have you written about men who prematurely end relationships because they feel unhappy and that they can't make their partner happy? Thanks!

Oliver J R Cooper link
28/10/2013 05:14:40 pm

Hello Ewomab,

it would be good to talk things through with him, but if he wont talk there is only so much you can do. I haven't no, this might come under attracting people who are not available.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Daniel Thompson
3/11/2015 07:19:09 am

I feel like a lot of thought has gone into this article and really appreciate it.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
3/11/2015 12:19:45 pm

Hello Daniel,

thank you for getting in touch. I am pleased that it had a positive impact on you.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Graham link
15/1/2016 08:18:24 pm

Thankyou so much Oliver I found this very beneficial to myself in where Im at and I appreciate your skilled ability to articulate what I deem as a sensitive area navigate ones feelings through .It beens a great help ! So its back to the Child within again hey lol Sincerly Graham

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
15/1/2016 10:46:52 pm

Hello Graham,

thanks for commenting.

It is great to hear that this article has assisted you. Keep up the good work!

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Panthony
8/2/2017 04:23:45 am

I am so glad I found this article. This makes perfect sense to me. I have always desired a closer relationship with my mother. I remember as a child wanting to always hug her and she didn't want to be touched. Not because she didn't love me she did. she was a single mother of 4 children of two different fathers. She didn't even know her father. She had three boys and one girl and she received the majority of her attention.

Growing older it makes perfect sense why all of her handsome sons are all single. I see beautiful women and always want to be near them and have deep conversations with them and be with them romantically but I have not the slightest clue how to talk to them or how to even relate to them.

when a pretty girl I admire talks to me I will do anything to keep them near me. Even if it means spending money I don't have in strip clubs for attention or trying to impress women when I don't have to. I am powerless around them even though I am gifted in other areas of my life and people think that I have or should be able to easily have many women. All I want is to be in love and share my life with someone. Instead I live in fear of rejection because my mother rejected me. And that is a primal fear I have when I see these woman that I desire to be so close to. I still to this day don't have a close relationship with my mother like I desire. Every moment around her is awkward.

Thank you for your article oliver. I don't know if this will change 30 years of psychological damage but I hope it will help me to seek help and better understand myself so I can find love.

I don't want to be powerless around women any more.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
11/2/2017 12:40:08 pm

Hello Panthony,

thank you for your comment.

It is unlikely that reading this will change 30 years of damage, but it will allow you to take the next step. Reaching out for external support is probably your best option.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Hawley
9/11/2017 03:50:59 pm

This is me. I learned to fear my angry dismissive mother. Love and support was a reward completely dependent on my last deed. Was I doing things to not be a burden, to make her life easier, or was I in the way and a PITA? I learned my life was safest if I was as invisible as possible. I learned to be independent and as self sufficient as possible. Making my own breakfast at 5. Scared to ask for a ride to school in the pouring thunderstorm. So when it comes to women I exist solely for my skill set. I don't exist until they need their computer or car repaired. I've learned to live as the safe, responsible, reliable, repair guy who will do what they need done and then disappear without ever asking for anything in return. I've been taught my place, and I am allowed to exist, and have innocuous incidental contact with women as long as I don't have needs. 61 years old, never married, never dated, never mattered.
Can't afford therapy and it's waaaay too late to change.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
15/11/2017 09:56:01 pm

Hello Hawley,

thank you for reaching out.

I can relate to a lot of what you have said in regards to your childhood. I wrote this a little while ago -
http://www.transformationalwriting.co.uk/blog/i-felt-worthless

I dont have the right to tell you what to do, but what I will say is dont give up on yourself. For as long as you are alive you can do something.

All the best,

Oliver

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    Oliver JR Cooper

    Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.


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    That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.





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