Relationships: Why Do Some Men Pull Away After Sex?

When two people come together with the intention of having a relationship or just the desire to spend time together, it is generally going to lead to them having sex. And this could be something that both of them equally want to experience or something that one of them is more attached to than the other.

While it is often said that a man’s desire for sex is stronger than a woman’s desire, this is not always the case. A woman can want to get to this point just as fast, if not faster, than a man can. So this is not black and white and can work both ways; especially as women are a lot more liberated sexually than they used to be.

However, while times have changed and women can express themselves in ways that they could not do before, not everything has changed. What has occurred for many, many years is not going to be wiped out over night.

Expectations

There are still external expectations in regards to how a man and a woman should behave. And these exist externally, through being part of the fabric of society itself. And internally, with what society has told men and women about how they should be. This also includes the conditioning that they have picked up from friends and throughout their childhood years.

So as much as one can want to move away from these expectations, it is not always as easy as just moving on and doing what one wants. There is likely to be resistance and conflict can arise.

Sex

At one point, sex was seen by some as something that people did when they were married. And while some people still stand by this, for the majority of people, it no longer applies. In today’s culture, sex is just another form of expression and a way to experience pleasure.

It is then not important if one is in a relationship with the other person or if they will see them again. All that matters is that it feels right and one enjoys themselves. Some people see this as an example of people being empowered and liberated, while others see it as lack of self respect and self control.

But with these views aside, there is less meaning around sex in today’s world and therefore it is a lot easier to express oneself sexually. Before there would have been a lot of shame and guilt around this kind of behaviour and even the fear of being rejected, and now this doesn’t have to be the case.

Common Pattern

And one of the common challenges that a woman will face, even though times have changed, is that after they have had sex with a man, the man will pull away. If this happens after a one night stand, there is going to be the chance that this will create pain, but there is going to be more of an expectation that this will happen.

When this relates to when a women is seeing the man or at the beginning of a relationship, there the potential for this behaviour to be even more confusing. And because there is the chance that a woman is going to be more emotionally attached at this point, it is going to be even harder to accept.

Purpose

On one side, having sex might seem like the next step for them to take and be something that the woman wants to experience. And if woman likes the man, then why not go to this next step.

Another reason for having sex will be to experience a deeper connection with the man and to bond with them. Sex releases oxytocin and this is generally described as the love chemical. So through doing this, there is a strong chance that a woman will feel closer to the man.

Confusion

So if a woman does end up feeling a deeper connection, with the expectation that the man will experience the same thing, it can be confusing for the man to more or less disappear. Especially if the man has let it be known that he wants sex and has put in some much effort to go to this stage.

It’s as if the very thing that he says he wanted, has been the thing that has caused him to move further away. Instead of getting closer and experiencing a deeper connection, it has resulted in more distance being created and a weaker connection.

Reasons

Now there is going to be all kinds of reasons as to why a man would pull away. Some people say it’s because a man wants to get back in touch with his masculine side and therefore needs to separate in order to regain his individuality.

And when a man and a woman have sex, the masculine is embracing the feminine, at least physically speaking. So based on appearances, a man could feel smothered and engulfed through being so close to the feminine form.

Conscious And Unconscious Behaviour

However, there is a clear difference between needing space and consciously expressing this to a woman and needing space and expressing this unconsciously. In the first example, one would vocalise this and in the second example, it could be done through them going silent and cutting off all communication.

While human beings are often seen as acting from a place of logic, at their deepest level, they are emotional beings. And in order to understand or least try to understand why something is happening, one needs to place their focus on someone’s emotional nature.

Boundaries

If a man had good boundaries, there would not be the need to disappear after sex. He would be able to get close to a woman without feeling overwhelmed or smothered. But being this close to a woman and experiencing physical intimacy can end up triggering a man’s emotional history that relates to their mother.

And this could have been a mother that had poor boundaries herself. So as a young boy, the man could have been: trapped, smothered, overwhelmed and engulfed. And when he gets close to a woman again, these are triggered and he then pulls away without consciously knowing what is taking place. This behaviour is then a conditioned reflex and a way to avoid experiencing these feelings once more.

On one side there is the need to get close to a woman, but on the other side, it reminds him of his mother. It is then no so much about what is taking place externally, as it is about what is going on inside the man.

Awareness

What steps a woman can take will all depend on how aware the man is and if he is willing to face his emotional history. Or it might be a case of giving him time and allowing him to settle down, so that he realises he won’t be smothered and then trust can form.

Another option would be for the woman to take a look at her own outlook towards intimacy. As if she is constantly attracting men who are like this, then they are simply mirroring back her own fear of intimacy.

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Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/