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Relationships: Why Do Some Men Pull Away After Sex?

13/1/2014

27 Comments

 
When two people come together with the intention of having a relationship or just the desire to spend time together, it is generally going to lead to them having sex. And this could be something that both of them equally want to experience or something that one of them is more attached to than the other.

While it is often said that a man’s desire for sex is stronger than a woman’s desire, this is not always the case. A woman can want to get to this point just as fast, if not faster, than a man can. So this is not black and white and can work both ways; especially as women are a lot more liberated sexually than they used to be.

However, while times have changed and women can express themselves in ways that they could not do before, not everything has changed. What has occurred for many, many years is not going to be wiped out over night.

Expectations

There are still external expectations in regards to how a man and a woman should behave. And these exist externally, through being part of the fabric of society itself. And internally, with what society has told men and women about how they should be. This also includes the conditioning that they have picked up from friends and throughout their childhood years.

So as much as one can want to move away from these expectations, it is not always as easy as just moving on and doing what one wants. There is likely to be resistance and conflict can arise.

Sex

At one point, sex was seen by some as something that people did when they were married. And while some people still stand by this, for the majority of people, it no longer applies. In today’s culture, sex is just another form of expression and a way to experience pleasure.

It is then not important if one is in a relationship with the other person or if they will see them again. All that matters is that it feels right and one enjoys themselves. Some people see this as an example of people being empowered and liberated, while others see it as lack of self respect and self control.

But with these views aside, there is less meaning around sex in today’s world and therefore it is a lot easier to express oneself sexually. Before there would have been a lot of shame and guilt around this kind of behaviour and even the fear of being rejected, and now this doesn’t have to be the case.

Common Pattern

And one of the common challenges that a woman will face, even though times have changed, is that after they have had sex with a man, the man will pull away. If this happens after a one night stand, there is going to be the chance that this will create pain, but there is going to be more of an expectation that this will happen.

When this relates to when a women is seeing the man or at the beginning of a relationship, there the potential for this behaviour to be even more confusing. And because there is the chance that a woman is going to be more emotionally attached at this point, it is going to be even harder to accept.

Purpose

On one side, having sex might seem like the next step for them to take and be something that the woman wants to experience. And if woman likes the man, then why not go to this next step.

Another reason for having sex will be to experience a deeper connection with the man and to bond with them. Sex releases oxytocin and this is generally described as the love chemical. So through doing this, there is a strong chance that a woman will feel closer to the man.

Confusion

So if a woman does end up feeling a deeper connection, with the expectation that the man will experience the same thing, it can be confusing for the man to more or less disappear. Especially if the man has let it be known that he wants sex and has put in some much effort to go to this stage.

It’s as if the very thing that he says he wanted, has been the thing that has caused him to move further away. Instead of getting closer and experiencing a deeper connection, it has resulted in more distance being created and a weaker connection.

Reasons

Now there is going to be all kinds of reasons as to why a man would pull away. Some people say it’s because a man wants to get back in touch with his masculine side and therefore needs to separate in order to regain his individuality.

And when a man and a woman have sex, the masculine is embracing the feminine, at least physically speaking. So based on appearances, a man could feel smothered and engulfed through being so close to the feminine form.

Conscious And Unconscious Behaviour

However, there is a clear difference between needing space and consciously expressing this to a woman and needing space and expressing this unconsciously. In the first example, one would vocalise this and in the second example, it could be done through them going silent and cutting off all communication.

While human beings are often seen as acting from a place of logic, at their deepest level, they are emotional beings. And in order to understand or least try to understand why something is happening, one needs to place their focus on someone’s emotional nature.

Boundaries

If a man had good boundaries, there would not be the need to disappear after sex. He would be able to get close to a woman without feeling overwhelmed or smothered. But being this close to a woman and experiencing physical intimacy can end up triggering a man’s emotional history that relates to their mother.

And this could have been a mother that had poor boundaries herself. So as a young boy, the man could have been: trapped, smothered, overwhelmed and engulfed. And when he gets close to a woman again, these are triggered and he then pulls away without consciously knowing what is taking place. This behaviour is then a conditioned reflex and a way to avoid experiencing these feelings once more.

On one side there is the need to get close to a woman, but on the other side, it reminds him of his mother. It is then no so much about what is taking place externally, as it is about what is going on inside the man.

Awareness

What steps a woman can take will all depend on how aware the man is and if he is willing to face his emotional history. Or it might be a case of giving him time and allowing him to settle down, so that he realises he won’t be smothered and then trust can form.

Another option would be for the woman to take a look at her own outlook towards intimacy. As if she is constantly attracting men who are like this, then they are simply mirroring back her own fear of intimacy.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

Oliver J R Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
27 Comments
Deloris
18/11/2014 06:45:11 am

I think I have been just choosing the wrong guys, cause at some point you feel like it's you are the problem. I find myself in relationships, where I'm trying to be so good to a guy, trying to hard to show them love and they don't want it . But they would rather mistreated for a woman that treats them like crap

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
18/11/2014 07:12:59 am

Hello Deloris,

thanks for getting in touch.

The main thing is you are aware that you're choosing the wrong guys. What I would suggest is for you to look at what is taking place within you, to see why you keep attracting the same kind of guys.

There are a number of articles on the women's psychology section that may assist you.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
skye
24/6/2015 05:34:13 am

Hi Oliver,
I love this article, thankyou. I have a good friend who I have known for a few years and who has been a huge support through my marriage breakdown and subsequent dating adventures. After a few too many about a month ago I ended up back at his house and we slept together. Our texting and emailing continued with me expressing how I didn't want to change our friendship etc he assured me if we were on the same page it wouldn't. I wanted to slow things physically which he was fine with so we did. Then just a few days ago we got together again, deliberately and sober. In the past when discussing other girls and in our discussions he has made a big deal of not wanting a relationship which I have wholeheartedly agreed with. He did email me yesterday before I had contacted him about something inane and work related. However after texting him yesterday afternoon it was a very delayed response from him (as opposed to his usual 10 mins)and then nothing! Am I being paranoid? Is he just withdrawing into his manly world? Hes very much a mans man.

I am so concerned I have lost his friendship.
Despite his womanizer ways if he was going to ditch me after sex wouldn't he have done so a month ago or after I wanted to slow things down? I.e. I would have been too much effort when he'd already 'gotten what he wanted'?

Katherine
6/7/2016 02:51:58 pm

Hi-this just happened to me. I live in a big city on the east coast. He contacted me from an online ad and was all over it...saying how much our ads sounded a like, that we had a lot in common...etc. We got along really well on the phone before the date which created a comfort level. Before the first date even he said he felt we had a spiritual connection (Oh boy! red flag). I was skeptical and cautious and felt like this was probably just another dead end from the online world. He lived an hour via train outside the main urban area where I live. We met and we talked for 2.5 hours - it was great and we talked and texted a lot and made plans. I have dated a lot and had lots of first/second dates but nothing was like this - we really got a long and I am not new to relationships or the dating world. He has been divorced for 6 years and in a (what I gather a bad) relationship for 4 years, that ended this past February (maybe too soon for him to jump back in?). So anyway - was very cautious and held back even with the first kiss. Which he actually questioned me on..but I told him I wanted to take it slow and that I was a little shy. After 3 weeks I stayed over at his house for the first time and we did sleep together. I saw him the next weekend too and he confirmed he wanted to be exclusive and that I was his girlfriend. All this was fast and I kept telling him this. He kept saying that we have so much in common (we did) and that it had only been a month but it was longer really since we spent to much time together. He did all the right things in terms of calling, communicating, etc. It was like a dream come true - and I have had A LOT of dead ends and several not-so-good relationships. The day after he pushed for exclusivity and me being his girlfriend, he switched his whole way of communicating and was really much more quiet and we didn't connect as much. He was going to see me that week, but I called him on Tuesday and asked him if we were on the same page about moving this forward (at this point it had been a month) and he said actually, no...he was thinking that he would have to give up the consistency of his regular workout schedule (6 days a week) and golf on Saturday because of the distance and the expectations of spending time with me. And he actually said 'it's me not you' - I almost laughed, or maybe I did. Then he said that I should consider him a friend. Then we texted for 4 days and were going to speak on the phone and then he just dropped off. He knew I was a bit perturbed that it took him a month to realize he didn't want to change his schedule (we could have worked that out - I am not a needy girlfriend - I lived an hour away from him, travel, have lots of friends, have a very very busy life etc.). Anyway - he basically said that second weekend 'You are it - you're the one' - and then poof. I couldn't say all the exact things back to him but I was very loving and reciprocated and was there for him and told him I wanted to move forward - it was just hard for me to manage my feelings and go as quickly as he was going. My therapist said he got scared and freaked, and that is why he did what he did. In the meantime, I am left wondering what I did wrong. I had never had someone come on so strong and I honestly had never liked anyone that much, so quickly. We talked nonstop, had so much fun, were compatiable in so many ways - but the minute he got what he wanted (me, exclusivity, a 'girlfriend') he didn't want it anymore. I am left with this weird feeling and he said we were going to talk over the weekend and he flaked. Do you think he just was using me for sex? It seemed really elaborate and drawn out. He asked me to meet his family one day but I couldn't because I was busy that night and had to go back home on the train. He asked me to meet his friends. I keep thinking I did something wrong to make his feelings switch. But if he really cared about me like he said, there wouldn't have been too much I could have done just within a few days. I have told a couple friends about this and they can't seem to pinpoint anything I did wrong...I mean even if I had been less available, it would have turned out to be the same thing - whenever we got to that point of commitment he would have balked. He talked about his mother a couple times over the month and some issues he was having with her - so I am wondering if this syncs with some of the things you mentioned above. I totally get the one night stand thing going dead right away - but this was way more than I have ever had in years with anyone...and it was just strange, almost creepy - like he was acting out something and unbeknownst to me a was playing some part in his play. Katherine

Deloris link
31/12/2014 06:18:39 am

Well,Oliver I really don't feel like I am the problem, I think problem is with in them cause if you don't want someone to love and treat you good, I think they need to be checked, they want a woman that's immature like them,that don't know what real love is, that not wife material, likes to play games with the feelings, and they both stupid and they don't realize it until they are old and nobody wants them, that this is not the way a person is supposed to be treated, so I don't have to change who I am for stupid people like that I just get stronger and better and keep it moving cause they will remember me and how I treated them,what goes around always comes back around.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
31/12/2014 09:22:30 am

Hello Deloris,

if you have a pattern of attracting men like this, I would suggest you engage in some kind of inner reflection. The people we attract into our life don't just reflect what is going on in our mind, they also reflect what is going on in our body.

What I would say to you is - do these men remind you of your father or another person who was around during your childhood? We are attracted to what is familiar and what is familiar is not always what is healthy.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Sarit link
6/1/2015 05:48:15 pm

I have definitely had the majority of men reject love and affection for an obsession with a spoilt ex girlfriend who no longer wants them. While I agree with Oliver that it may be these men unconsciously searching for fellow immature characters, I'm not sure I agree that it automatically has to do with we women searching for our fathers (especially provided that my own was a serial monogamist and had only dated one other woman before marrying my mother for life). I think it's more to do with our feminine nature desiring closeness and to nurture our partner, while he's too busy pining after something he can't have - because for many men, the unattainable is all that they value.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
7/1/2015 02:40:29 am

Hello Sarit,

it doesn't have to relate to a woman's father, it could be their mother or another figure around at the time. This is something that each person has to look into themselves and this takes self-honesty for one thing.

And while you could put it down to your 'feminine nature', this doesn't put you in a position where you can change what is taking place. This outlook is likely to make you feel as though you are a victim of circumstances and that all men are the same.

However,the people we attract into our life don't just show up out of nowhere; they are there because they are a match on some level. And if the same type of people continue to appear, that is likely to be a clear sign that one needs to look in their body and see what is going on.

It is easy to point the figure but that wont change anything. What needs to be done (and this is a lot harder), is for one to look within. The mind can come up with all kinds of reasons and stories as to why something keeps happening. And while it is easier to do this in the short-term, it is simply going to create more pain in the long-term.

The people we attract will only be as available as we are.

All the best,

Oliver

Oliver JR Cooper link
24/6/2015 10:38:08 am

Hello Skye,

thank you for your feedback.

I would say that the relationship has changed as a result of what has happened between you. It would be easy to say that it means this or it means that, but I could be way off.

My suggestion would be to see if you can get in touch with him, and that way you can find out what is taking place. And if you cant do that, reflect on what has happened and listen to your intuition.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Pauline Scott
10/11/2015 11:11:45 pm

I loved reading your article thanks for sharing it. My question is if a man is not intense and close the next day after sex has he was before the lead up to sex and their withdrawing is to bring some masculinity back to themselves is this not a nature progress for them to do. And if it leaves a woman feeling what the hell happened, where has this intense closeness gone. How do they both come back together to each other without blame and taking responsibility for how his withdrawal may have left the woman feeling confused and rejected because his need to get settled and go back into his masculinity.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
12/11/2015 12:35:01 am

Hello Pauline,

thanks for getting in touch.

I would say that it comes down to communication. If you are both honest about what is going on, then it should allow the interaction to go in the right direction.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Jen
23/2/2016 05:25:38 am

Your article is interesting but still have some questions. Why do usually men appear more concern/create more conversation before they have sex with you? Once sex is done they become distant/uncaring and I don't think it's because of the reason stated above. Strange thing is they still ask how are you doing but don't reply after that. So why even bother asking? Could it be they just pull away because they are only after sex.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
23/2/2016 11:42:45 am

Hello Jen,

thanks for getting in touch.

I suppose its because at that stage they want something, and once they have got what they want, their interest is going to decline.

There are going to be all kinds reasons why a man would pull away, as I said above. And one reason can be because they only want sex.

I hope that helps.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Denbink
8/3/2016 12:59:55 am

yes... i seem to attract these kind of men. Im a good person and all I want is a man to love me and I return that love to him. I keep going back to this man who is wrong for me but I cant stop seeing him. He and I have been on and off many times since I first met him. He's unstable with me and having a relatioship with me. I am afraid I cant let go but I dont chase him either. He usually textes me after a week to a months wait. And I....fall right back into his trap. I say..I aint gonna do it again...and I do. He stood me up last saturday night after we had some intmacy during the afternoon and I stiil havent hear from him since Saturday afternoon. This is Monday now...I am afraid hes pulling his same old tricks. He's older than I am..tall and skinny as heck with long hair and tatoos....and he's always depressed. He lives with his mother and he hates it but he does nothing to save money to get his own place. He's hot..then cold...now he's freezing. Can I be hypnotized to get him out of my mind? Please....lol.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
8/3/2016 01:59:38 pm

Hello Denbink,

thanks for getting in touch.

As for being hypnotized, I have no idea if that would work.

My advice would be for you to work with a therapist, as this will give you the chance to see why you are attracted to him and to work through your own history.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Dona
2/4/2016 07:46:24 am

Hi Oliver,
Thank you for sharing this article.
To be frank, I had no idea that it is so common and so many girls are going through the same problem and confusion that I went through.
It has happened with me couple of times. Before having sex they were so nice to me and used call and text all the times, but after the sex they shut down so fast and badly that they were not even ready to have a 5 minutes conversation. I tried asking them what was the reason as I was so confused about the sudden change, but the replies I got were like "nothing like that", "chill, don’t think so much", "little busy". Then I kept wondering and doubting myself, Did I do something wrong? or Was it bad for him? Or Was I not good enough?
I never heard from them again and it was as if none of it ever happened.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
5/4/2016 04:01:41 pm

Hello Dona,

thank you for your comment.

I'm pleased that this article has assisted you.

As this is something you have experienced before, it might be a good idea for you to reach out for external support. This could be from a therapist, for instance.

All the best,

Oliver


Reply
Seren
4/7/2016 08:24:59 am

Ive been dating a guy for 9 months no, he's had 2 bad and abusive relationships before me. We get along great, he calls me daily and we talk for hours sometimes. we see each other about twice a week depending on schedules. Neither one of us is interested in marriage so that pressure is off the table for both of us. We've made it clear neither is sexually involved with anyone else even though we both have opposite gender friends. Where the confusion is for me is that every time we have sex I dont hear from him for a day. So basically we're in contact daily unless we have sex, then I don't hear from him the following day. I'm not sure why, he pleases me well in bed and I give him positive feedback that he's done a great job...so I'm really confused why he pulls away after sex. Any insight as to a possible reason this could be happening? Btw, I also make sure to pleasure him in bed as well. Thanks in advance

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
4/7/2016 09:21:42 am

Hello Serene,

it sounds like you haven't actually read the article above. So the first thing you can do is to read the article above, and if that doesn't help, you could ask him directly.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Seren
4/7/2016 01:47:19 pm

Thanks, I did read it, but it didn't answer my question, thanks anyway.

Oliver JR Cooper link
4/7/2016 07:35:44 pm

Hello Seren,

ok, well my suggestion would be for you to ask him why he behaves as he does.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
8/8/2016 06:54:03 pm

Hello Katherine,

it sounds like a number of things took place.

Clearly, he had stuff going on and this caused him to pull away. At the same time, it sounds like you went against your own needs by allowing it to develop so fast.

My suggestion would be to look at how you feel with intimacy. As there is the chance that you also have your own stuff to deal with.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Athena
16/11/2016 02:57:10 pm

I had been friends with this guy for 8 years of which 5 years of that, we've been very close. Like a family, a team. He's a silly goofball but very private about his relationships. He'd always tease me about my ex boyfriends and since maybe he looks at me like one of the boys who get along with our common guy friends greatly, he's open about his naughty jokes to me. We're very close, atleast for me. There's only a few times that we will be together just the two of us, and this particular day our friends started teasing us. Days followed that i felt awkwardness between us both. And that awkwardness led to sex. We havent talked about it yet and as i've observed, he's pulling away. We're great friends but truth be told, there are risks in this kind of setup. I'm not sure if i should go talk to him about it because we might be both waiting or he just doesn't wanna complicate it more than we mutually know it is already. Please give me some insights.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
29/12/2016 04:00:43 pm

Hello Athena,

Its hard to say what might be going on here. I would say you have at least two options: either you wait and see what happens, or you ask him about what is going on.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Sherry
10/12/2016 02:53:00 am

I've been sort of dating this guy since May, however, we hadn't seen each of since 87 and have shared some happy moments together since rekindling. Well, last night we accidentally slept together. He immediately left there mafter and said that he felt awful because he wasn't ready for sex to happen. He texted me saying: Bae, I'm home. I didn't respond because I was asleep and woke up to a second text saying: I won't bother you anymore. I'm confused. Please help!

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
10/12/2016 11:01:46 am

Hello Sherry,

it sounds like you are not the only one who is confused, unless he is not willing to be honest.

You can either move on or try and find out what is happening. There is also the chance that he only wanted sex.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Sherry
10/12/2016 03:28:24 pm

That's a strong possibility. He texted me this morning just to say "Good Morning" but that was it. Normally, it's Bae, etc. I'm not going to bother him...I'm going to allow him to be the initiator!!! If he wants me, he'll prove it!!! Thanks!!!


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