How someone behaves at the beginning of a relationship can be different to how they behave as time goes by, and while a certain amount of change is normal, it doesn’t mean it is normal for someone to completely change. This could mean that as time passes they end up becoming someone else, or it may mean they end up being an even better match.
In the first case, this is likely to mean that one will wonder what is happening and why they didn’t behave in this way from the start. In the beginning, they may have felt as though the other person was a good match, and then they are going to see that the other person is not ‘right’ for them.
If, on the other hand, the other person becomes an even better match, it could cause them to believe that they are with the ‘right’ person. They knew the other person was a good match, and as time has passed, they are going to have more reasons to believe that the other person is for them.
Taken For a Ride
When one is in a relationship with someone who completely changes, they are likely to feel as though they have been taken for a ride. But if they were to talk to the other person about what has happened, it might not be possible for them to see what has taken place.
They may say that they haven’t changed and that they are still the same person. Or there is also the chance that they were aware of what they were doing; with this being a way for them to get their needs met.
In this case, it would be easy for one to blame the other person, and when this happens, they are going to be focused on what is taking place externally. The other person has ended up being someone else and so it is to be expected that they will be annoyed.
However, there is also going to be the part that one played in being attracted to someone who was unable to be authentic. For instance, if this is something they have experienced on a number of occasions, it will be important for them to look into why they would be attracted to someone like this.
Pointing the finger at the other person may allow one to feel better for a short time, but it won’t allow them to grow. When the other person changes, they might end up feeling rejected and abandoned, for instance.
And through being attracted to someone who is not fully available, part of them may believe that this will stop them from being rejected and abandoned. Therefore, the very thing they try to avoid ends up being the very thing they end up experiencing.
Better Than Expected
When one is in a relationship that ends up being eve more fulfilling than it was in the beginning, they are likely to be grateful for what is taking place. This could even cause them to say that they have met their ‘soul’ mate.
There is also the chance that they are used to being in a relationship like this, and if not, this could mean they have done all kinds of inner work in order to attract someone like this. It could then be how they have experienced life for most of their life, or it could be something they have experienced in their later years after a lot of hard work.
Not a Surprise
From the outside, it could be said that each person is lucky to have found each other, and how there are people who are not as lucky as that. When one doesn’t understand why something happens, they can end up saying that it all comes down to luck; this can then cause their mind to believe that they ‘understand’ why something has happened.
Yet, what it comes down to is that each person is in the ‘right place’, and this is why they are together. Ultimately, they are comfortable with themselves, and this then allows them to experience a fulfilling relationship.
The Other Stage
Just as someone can change as the relationship progresses, they can also change when a relationship comes to an end. Now, as this can be a time where incredible pain can be experienced, it might not be seen as a surprise.
Having said that, there are going to be times when the other person is still able to show the same level of respect that they displayed while the relationship took place. This is not to say that they won’t be experiencing anger and sadness, among other things; what it does mean is that they won’t allow how they feel to define their behaviour.
Out of Control
When someone is unable to do this and they end up acting aggressively, it could end up being a surprise. However, this can all depend on why the relationship has come to an end, and this is because the other person might feel as though they have a reason for behaving this was.
For example, if one cheated on the other person or if they acted as though everything was fine and then they changed, it can be normal for the other person to feel as though they have been violated. However, this doesn’t mean that it is then acceptable for them to cause harm.
While their aggressive behaviour could be the result of the pain they are experiencing as a result of the relationship coming to an end, it could also relate to pain that has been triggered from their past. And as this pain has come to the surface, it can then cause them to lose the ability to be present.
The pain that has been triggered could relate to their needs that were not met during their childhood years. During these years, they may have been rejected and abandoned on a regular basis, and this would have caused them to experience rage.
Being aggressive can then be a way for them to stop themselves from having to feel the pain of being rejected and abandoned. If they were to put their aggressive to one side and to go deeper into their feelings, they might end up feeling overwhelmed.
And once they go deeper, they could also come into contact with toxic shame, and this is likely to be something they first experienced through rarely, if ever, having their needs met as a child. If they were to get in touch with their toxic shame, it could cause them to emotionally collapse, and identifying with their rage will be a way for them to stop this from taking place.
When someone has the tendency to act aggressively when a relationship comes to an end, it will be important for them to look at what is taking place within them. The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group will give them the support they need to mourn their unmet childhood needs and to face the toxic shame that is within them.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.