If one was to read a description about what it means to have a healthy relationship, they are unlikely to come across the importance of one person controlling the other. If they were to come across the word ‘control’, they may hear about the importance of self-control.
This is because there are likely to be times in a relationship when one will have the desire to do something that is not in their best interests. In this case, they will need to keep a close eye on what is taking place within them and to delay gratification.
As Time Passes
They may find that as time passes, it will be possible for them to fulfil a need that they had to put to one side at another point in time. However, at the same time, this could relate to a need that they won’t be able to fulfil.
It could be said that that will define whether one can fulfil a need will all depend on what the need is. For example, part of them may feel the need to buy something, but if they were to go one step further it could end up having a negative effect on their relationship.
This could be a time in their relationship where they are saving up for a holiday, or they might even be looking to buy a new house, for instance. Therefore, it will be important for them to only buy what they need to buy.
On one hand, this is going to cause them to experience frustration, but on the other hand, it will allow them to achieve what they want to achieve. As a result of this, no matter how much pain they have to experience in the short-term through delaying gratification, it will be worth it in the long-term.
On one side then, there will be what this will allow them to achieve, and on the other side, there will be the effect this has on their relationship. Through behaving in this way, one will show how committed they are and this is likely to have a positive effect on their relationship.
Whereas if they were unable to stop themselves from buying things they don’t need, it is going to be a lot harder for them to save money. The other person could end up questioning their commitment and this is bound to have a negative effect on the relationship.
They could end up being described as ‘impulsive’ and this could also cause their partner to wonder if they can trust them. Yet even though one can come across as though they don’t care, this doesn’t mean this is actually the case.
It could simply come down to the fact that they find it hard to contain their inner experience and it is then going to be normal for them to lose self-control. It will then be important for them to develop self-control.
If they were unable to do this, their relationship could gradually begin to deteriorate, but while this may allow them to reflect on what has happened; this might not take place. In this case, they might need to go through a similar experience before they begin to change.
In order to develop this ability, it will take patience and persistence, but through doing this, their life is likely to be far more fulfilling. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist.
However, if one is in a position where they control the people they end up with, it could be said that they also have trouble when it comes to experiencing self-control. Yet even though this is going to mean that their behaviour is going to have a negative effect on their relationships, it doesn’t mean they will realise this.
While this could be because they are unaware of the effect their behaviour has on others; it could also be a sign that the people they end up with tolerate their behaviour. They are then going to put up with how one behaves and if they don’t, one could end up ignoring the feedback that they receive.
If someone else was to observe their relationship, they could say that one person comes across as though they are in control, and the other person acts as though they have no control. They may notice that there are times when the person who has no control looks as though they are not too happy, but they could also notice moments when they are.
This could cause them to wonder how someone could feel happy in this kind of relationship, and this shows how people feel comfortable with different things. For example, if one was controlled during their younger years, they can end up gravitating towards people who are the same.
And unless they look into what took place and begin to work through the pain, they are going to be attracted to what is familiar. It might not even have occurred to them that life can be different.
A big part of this might be for them to realise that they can survive without being controlled. During their younger years, their needs are likely to have been ignored and they would have had to fulfil their caregiver’s needs instead.
The Other Experience
When one always ends up with people they can control, it can be a sign that they feel powerless at a deeper level. Therefore, although they can come across as strong, this is going to be nothing more than an illusion.
It could then be said that the reason they need to control others is because they have a fear of being controlled. So through being with someone they can control, it keeps their deeper feelings at bay.
Like the person who feels comfortable with being controlled due to what happened during their childhood years, they may also have been controlled during their childhood. The reason they are different can be because they have ended up identifying with the person who controlled them.
They have then gone from being a victim to be a perpetrator, but as they haven’t taken the time to question what took place they might not even realise what has happened. Their primary concern could be to avoid how they feel.
If one can relate to this and they want to change, it might be necessary for them to look at what is taking place within them. They might have beliefs that need to be changed on one level and an emotional build-up that needs to be released at another level.
This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.
Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
To book your free 15-minute consultation, click here.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.