One can have the desire to be in a relationship that is meaningful and fulfilling and yet they might find this hard to achieve. And it could be that they can’t seem to attract the right person or that when they are in a relationship with someone who they connect with, it soon ends.
There could be all kinds of reasons as to why this is happening. But if this has become a way of life for this person and something they are accustomed to, then there is likely to be patterns at work.
At first, this might not be visible and everything could appear to be going on randomly. However, if one was to take a closer look at what is going on and what is not going on in their relationships, they will start to notice certain themes.
This may not be seen straight away and could take a short time to realise. But if one wants to see them and is committed to having exactly what they say they want, then the answers will soon arrive.
Seeing these patterns in ones reality is not the easiest thing to do though and this is partly due to how the mind works. All kinds of illusions can arise and these can end up distracting someone from seeing what is actually occurring.
In the absence of pattern recognition, life is typically seen as random and one is then simply a bystander. And while this can create a momentary sense of relief from having to deal with anything, in the long run, one will only end up feeling victimised and that they have no control over their whole life or this area of their life.
These patterns then play out without ones awareness and while the people they are attracted to or attract will be different, the same scenarios will be played out. What then happens and as to how long this takes, may alter, but how one feels will be the same.
Externally there will be certain things that either take place or don’t take place, but underneath all of this will be certain feelings. And this could be: abandonment, betrayal, rejection and loss for instance.
So even though each relationship will have different experiences, how one ends up feeling is likely to be the same. It’s like being in one country and having rain and going to another and there is still rain; each place looks different and yet it is still the same story.
When this pattern relates to being abandoned, one might find that they get into relationships and before long they end. This could be one that is going well and everything seems to be going to plan, and then out of nowhere, it just finishes.
Or one might not even reach that stage and find that they don’t go beyond having a few dates with someone. For example, they could arrange to meet someone for a second date and then this person cancels. This is after a connection has been formed and one has met them. And not only does the date not take place, they also never here from the other person again, or if they do, it is in the form of a well constructed excuse.
Perhaps one doesn’t get to the stage or being in a relationship or even going on a date and the feeling of abandonment is then something that pervades their whole life. Being abandoned could be how they have always felt and have no idea that life could be any different.
On one level it is clear that this has no benefit to someone’s life and is only creating pain. Intellectually, there is going to be confusion and this could make no sense whosoever. But at a deeper level, this will be what is classed as familiar and therefore safe by ones ego mind.
The problem is that the ego mind probably formed these associations when one was very young and as time passed, one became cut off from these early experiences. So although one can feel as though the outside world is causing them problems, they are ultimately being victimised by what is going on within them.
During ones younger years, they are vulnerable to feelings of abandonment; especially as their sense of connection comes from being attached to their caregivers. At this age, being abandoned could be a matter of life of death. And even if it is not this extreme, it can still end up feeling this way.
So it is vital that one’s primary caregiver was attuned to them as a child. This doesn’t mean that they had to be perfect, just that they were good enough. So everyone is vulnerable to being abandoned as a child, what complicates this is when one experiences abuse or some kind of emotional neglect on a consistent basis. Of even just a one off experience that was traumatic.
When one was abandoned all these years ago, on one side this would have created an emotional experience or many emotional experiences that were painful. And yet on the other side, this experience would have become associated as familiar and therefore safe by the ego mind.
This means that although this experience was not healthy or functional, as far as the ego mind is concerned, it is what is essential to ones survival. And ones whole idea of who they are can be based on being abandoned, so if this was to change, one might wonder who they are. So all the time these feelings are still trapped in one’s body, they will continue to create situations that mirror these early experiences.
These feelings can cause one to push other people away and to behave in ways that will make them leave, so that one can feel abandoned once more. This usually happens unconsciously though and while it won’t get one what they truly want, it is likely to feel comfortable at a deeper level.
To move away from this pattern and to longer feel abandoned as a way of life or through experiences with others, one will need to release the trapped feelings and emotions that were created in these early experiences. Over the years, additional feelings, thoughts and beliefs will also have accumulated on top of these original feelings and these will go once the original trauma has been dealt with.
This can be done with the assistance of a therapist of healer who will allow one to face their feelings and emotions and release them. There is no set time for this, as some people can have more to release than others. And a certain level of trust will also have to exist in order for one to feel safe enough to let go.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.