It is often said that the best thing that someone can do for another person, when they are going through a challenging time, is to simply be there for them. So, when one is in the other person’s presence, it will be vital for them to be completely present.
This means that one is not doing anything, they are simply being in the moment. One can then let go and not have to worry about whether or not this person’s life will change or get better.
What this can also show is that one believes that this person is capable of sorting out their own life, and that it is not their reasonability to ‘fix’ them. Through being this way, it is likely to show that one has good boundaries.
A Clear Line
One will know where there they begin and end, and where other people begin and end. As a result of this, it is going to stop them from trying to define how other people live their life.
In this context, one will realise that it is not down to them to tell the other person what they should do. This will also allow them to treat the other person as an adult, as opposed to a powerless child.
And, if one doesn’t treat other people as though they are missing something, it is likely to show that they feel comfortable in their own skin. One will probably understand - at a deeper level - that their value is not based on what they do.
Therefore, the reason why they don’t see the other person as being incapable is due to the fact that they don’t see themselves in this way. Still, this doesn’t mean that one won’t do anything for them if they are asked.
A Huge Difference
When this happens, one is not giving unsolicited advice; they are being asked to give their advice. One is then going to be coming from a different place, which means that their advice will be presented differently.
The other person is likely to feel as acknowledged, and as though one values and respects them. And if they are going through a tough time, there is a strong chance that this is exactly how they want to feel in their presence.
A Rare Occurrence
It could be said that the above scenario is the ideal; even so, this is not something that always takes place. In a lot of cases, there is a far greater chance that someone will be told what to do.
Someone can find out that another person is going through a tough time and it can be as though they are some kind of superhero. It is not going to be possible for them to lend an ear, so to speak, as they will have to use their mouth.
Their ears won’t have a purpose, at this point, and one’s main aim will be to do what they can to fix this person. This whole process will be about doing, not being, which means that one is not going to take the time to tune into what the other person is going through.
In a way, one won’t see the other person as an individual; they will see them as an extension of themselves. One might not know where they begin and end, and where other people begin and end.
When one has the need to ‘fix’ others, it can be due to at least two reasons. Firstly, this can be a sign that one believes that their value is defined by what they do and not by who they are.
Consequently, if one doesn’t solve someone else’s problems, they are likely to feel bad about themselves. Secondly, seeing another person is pain can remind them of their own pain.
If they were to take a step back and no longer tried to solve other people’s problems, they might end up being overwhelmed by their own pain. It is then as if one is trying to clean their window by cleaning their neighbour’s window.
This is, of course, a complete waste of time. Clearly, the only way that one will be able to solve their own problems is by fixing them directly, not by trying to solve others people’s problems.
Focusing on their own issues will be more painful in the short-term, but it will make their life a lot better in the long-term. Not only this, the people who they come into contact with are more likely to appreciate their company.
Instead of feeling as though their boundaries are not being respected and that they are not being heard, for instance, they will be able to feel respected, valued, and heard. The only thing that one will have done for this to take place is to be completely present; nothing more, nothing less.
If one believes that their value is based on what they do, there is the chance that their upbringing set them up to believe this. This may have been a time when they had to fulfil their caregiver’s needs.
But regardless of why this is, if one has the tendency to try to fix others and they want to change their life, it might be a good idea for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist or a healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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