When it comes to dynamics in relationships that cause problems and a fair amount of frustration, there are two common patterns of behaviour. One of those is when one is attracted to people who are unavailable. So they desire to be another person and yet continually end up being attracted to people who are not there for them.
This is going to create one set of challenges, and what will create another is when one attracts people who are needy. Here, one will end up attracting people who want so much and more than they can or are prepared to give.
And while there can be other relationship challenges that people can have, these two are very common in today’s world. Therefore if one has faced these challenges in their own life or still is, it is not something that should be taken to heart.
The Current State
It is just a reflection of where society is in general and not simply limited to a few individuals here and there. Numerous people on this planet are going through the same challenges at this time. When one has a problem in their life, it is easy to come to the conclusion that they are the only ones who have it.
And this can cause one to feel victimised and hard done by. When in reality, it is not limited to them and something other people are also trying to handle. Realising this can make it easier and stop one from feeling added pressure and stress.
When one has a pattern of attracting people who are unavailable for instance, it doesn’t mean that this is the case on the odd occasion. It is going to be a way of life for them and due to this, one has a reason to feel aggravated.
And if one has a pattern of attracting people who are needy, it is not that these people have needs that are the problem. Everyone on this planet has needs and that is not something to feel ashamed of or weak.
This is a natural part of being human and this can’t be changed or removed. But there is a clear difference between someone who has needs and someone who is needy.
This is likely to cause someone to behave in ways that are overwhelming; cause one to feel smothered and trapped for example. And even though one could go along with this for a while or have set times when they do, it won’t be enough for this person.
Their neediness will never end, no matter how much one gives into it. These needs are insatiable and unable to be met by another human being. At first, one might appreciate this kind of behaviour and feel loved, valued and important.
However, as time goes by, what was enjoyable soon becomes frustrating and annoying. And if this type of behaviour doesn’t appear from the beginning, then it could come out once they feel comfortable enough to reveal this part of themselves.
There is going to be all kinds of ways that another’s neediness can appear and some of these will be subtle, while others will be highly visible. This could range from them wanting to see one all the time, constantly messaging or calling and basically not wanting one to leave from their sight.
These are just a few examples and there are inevitably going to be many others. But regardless of what a person does who is needy, they are going to cause one to feel compromised and even smothered.
A Deeper Look
On one side there is someone who is needy and it is clear that they have some work to do on themselves. They are acting in ways that are similar to how a baby would behave around their primary caregiver. To ignore their physical age and to focus on their level of emotional development would soon show that they haven’t grown up.
But while it can seem as though one person is superior to another here and that one is more evolved, this is often far from the truth. Relationships are symbiotic and therefore if one person has issues, the other person also does. If there wasn’t a match somewhere they wouldn’t have been drawn together.
What stops this from being realised is when one person is caught up in their history and the other has created different coping mechanism and adaptive behaviour to create the illusion of having no problems.
And when one has a pattern of attracting needy people into their life, there is a good chance that this person has rejected and denied their needy side. The other person is fully embracing their needy side and this person has become disconnected from it.
The reason why one is so affected by this behaviour is because it reminds them of their own needy side. This is likely to be a side that they feel shamed of for having and would feel incredibly vulnerable should they show it.
So these people are messengers and are mirroring back what one has covered up and neglected for so long. Whilst the other person needs to become more self-reliant, it is likely that one needs to become more interdependent.
Until one looks within and faces their needy side, they will continue to be attracted to and attract people who are needy. One may have learnt at a very early age that having needs was not safe and so they have spent the rest of their life pretending that they don’t have any.
If they were to get in touch with these needs as an adult, they could end up feeling out of control and overwhelmed by them. This can be the result of one having trapped emotions and feelings that started to build up when they were a baby and continued throughout their childhood and adult years. One could also switch between being needless or needy depending on the situation.
Needs are not something to feel ashamed of for having or that one is less than for having them. If one has trouble not only admitting to others but also themselves that they have needs, then it might be necessary to seek some kind of assistance.
This could be through reading certain books, to receiving coaching or to having therapy or healing. If one has trapped feelings and emotions from when they were younger, then it might be necessary to work with a therapist or a healer to release them.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.