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When it comes to dynamics in relationships that cause problems and a fair amount of frustration, there are two common patterns of behaviour. One of those is when one is attracted to people who are unavailable. So they desire to be another person and yet continually end up being attracted to people who are not there for them. This is going to create one set of challenges, and what will create another is when one attracts people who are needy. Here, one will end up attracting people who want so much and more than they can or are prepared to give. And while there can be other relationship challenges that people can have, these two are very common in today’s world. Therefore if one has faced these challenges in their own life or still is, it is not something that should be taken to heart. The Current State It is just a reflection of where society is in general and not simply limited to a few individuals here and there. Numerous people on this planet are going through the same challenges at this time. When one has a problem in their life, it is easy to come to the conclusion that they are the only ones who have it. And this can cause one to feel victimised and hard done by. When in reality, it is not limited to them and something other people are also trying to handle. Realising this can make it easier and stop one from feeling added pressure and stress. Needy When one has a pattern of attracting people who are unavailable for instance, it doesn’t mean that this is the case on the odd occasion. It is going to be a way of life for them and due to this, one has a reason to feel aggravated. And if one has a pattern of attracting people who are needy, it is not that these people have needs that are the problem. Everyone on this planet has needs and that is not something to feel ashamed of or weak. This is a natural part of being human and this can’t be changed or removed. But there is a clear difference between someone who has needs and someone who is needy. Behaviour This is likely to cause someone to behave in ways that are overwhelming; cause one to feel smothered and trapped for example. And even though one could go along with this for a while or have set times when they do, it won’t be enough for this person. Their neediness will never end, no matter how much one gives into it. These needs are insatiable and unable to be met by another human being. At first, one might appreciate this kind of behaviour and feel loved, valued and important. However, as time goes by, what was enjoyable soon becomes frustrating and annoying. And if this type of behaviour doesn’t appear from the beginning, then it could come out once they feel comfortable enough to reveal this part of themselves. Examples There is going to be all kinds of ways that another’s neediness can appear and some of these will be subtle, while others will be highly visible. This could range from them wanting to see one all the time, constantly messaging or calling and basically not wanting one to leave from their sight. These are just a few examples and there are inevitably going to be many others. But regardless of what a person does who is needy, they are going to cause one to feel compromised and even smothered. A Deeper Look On one side there is someone who is needy and it is clear that they have some work to do on themselves. They are acting in ways that are similar to how a baby would behave around their primary caregiver. To ignore their physical age and to focus on their level of emotional development would soon show that they haven’t grown up. But while it can seem as though one person is superior to another here and that one is more evolved, this is often far from the truth. Relationships are symbiotic and therefore if one person has issues, the other person also does. If there wasn’t a match somewhere they wouldn’t have been drawn together. Adaptive Behaviour What stops this from being realised is when one person is caught up in their history and the other has created different coping mechanism and adaptive behaviour to create the illusion of having no problems. The Disconnection And when one has a pattern of attracting needy people into their life, there is a good chance that this person has rejected and denied their needy side. The other person is fully embracing their needy side and this person has become disconnected from it. The reason why one is so affected by this behaviour is because it reminds them of their own needy side. This is likely to be a side that they feel shamed of for having and would feel incredibly vulnerable should they show it. So these people are messengers and are mirroring back what one has covered up and neglected for so long. Whilst the other person needs to become more self-reliant, it is likely that one needs to become more interdependent. Looking Within Until one looks within and faces their needy side, they will continue to be attracted to and attract people who are needy. One may have learnt at a very early age that having needs was not safe and so they have spent the rest of their life pretending that they don’t have any. If they were to get in touch with these needs as an adult, they could end up feeling out of control and overwhelmed by them. This can be the result of one having trapped emotions and feelings that started to build up when they were a baby and continued throughout their childhood and adult years. One could also switch between being needless or needy depending on the situation. Awareness Needs are not something to feel ashamed of for having or that one is less than for having them. If one has trouble not only admitting to others but also themselves that they have needs, then it might be necessary to seek some kind of assistance. This could be through reading certain books, to receiving coaching or to having therapy or healing. If one has trapped feelings and emotions from when they were younger, then it might be necessary to work with a therapist or a healer to release them.
21 Comments
chris60
29/9/2014 04:01:09 pm
This is an interesting article as it brings to light the common shame that many of us have in expressing our basic desires and needs in a way that neither suffocates nor alienates the other person. Neediness is often simply a reaction to another person putting up walls, which increases our distress. Men often are programmed to act independent and stoic and women are often conditioned to value relationships and fear rejection more and this creates a situation where one pushes for connection while the other pulls away as such intense demands seem overwhelming. The desire for independence and dependence fluctuates as both work out a way to remain connected in a manner that suits both people instead of creating drama that exhausts them both. The weird dance leads to the pursuer and distancer dynamic; as one pulls away the other moves in to chase, and then when they are close again the previous pursuer then switches to feeling smothered and afraid and switches to the distancer. Intimacy is a balancing act where the needs of both people may fluctuate depending on illness, loss or other factors that affect their current needs. For instance, many therapists act like they have no problem and are there to meet the patient's needs and then foster a dependence in their client that meets their own need to be needed without having to assume the needy role. If the client suddenly pushes for independence the dynamic shifts and the therapist can suddenly go chasing after the client as their own neediness and fear of abandonment or rejection is triggered. We need other people to feel safe and assuming either the role of the perpetual carer or perpetual needy one merely plays into denying the other parts of the self. Domestic violence tends to perpetuate this weird dynamic as the abusive partner suddenly turns loving and apologetic at the threat of being abandoned. Dependence and abandonment are the twin fears that come to the fore in many relationships and then the desire to be the one in control or avoid the pain of loss complicates the picture. When people feel more secure being alone and more comfortable being close then the dramatic element seems to diminish. 30/9/2014 03:26:51 am
Hello Chris,
Paul Hein
1/6/2017 04:31:22 am
Wow , impressive, amazing clarity
Lynne
22/3/2016 01:25:15 am
I have Been in too many relationships lately where the men decide to leave me because I can't give them the time or affection they need. It just never is enough. I value time alone and I don't want to give ups too much of my free time. I also am a single mom so it's hard to juggle time for kids, work and a steady partner. I need to break this cycle. 22/3/2016 01:25:40 pm
Hello Lynne, 9/1/2017 11:10:32 am
Hello Rachel,
Sherry
25/2/2017 02:51:39 pm
I am very independent and have never waited for anyone to do things for me. I am also very disciplined and do what I need to do for my personal success and love abd value greatly my alone times . I know that I intimidate people with these qualities. I know that this makes me attractive to many men. I date and then realise that more often than not I have picked up a vampire. Just discovered after ten years of celibacy and no man I have got another one. Planning my exit strategy. Discouraged again. 25/2/2017 03:06:36 pm
Hello Sherry,
Jennifer
5/10/2017 07:22:10 pm
This has been an enlightening and thought provoking article. I am a strong woman(confident) and I always attract needy men. Men who do exactly as you have said. I was married for 16 years and the man I was married to always said that I didn't care or I could live without him. It was true that I could live without him but not true that I didn't care. I would say that my actions would show this because I never really show many emotions. On the flip side, it is true that I may have covered up my own needs because I do feel that I don't need much. I know that I need God, but people who do a lot for me I don't have that deep need for that. I believe this is because of the situations that I have faced in the past have been hard and disappointing, so I just choose to fix it by trying to get rid of the need factor which in turn isn't healthy and is just a temporary bandaid. I guess we as women sometimes call it as being independent. The "I can do it all by myself" syndrome is what I see it as. Thank you so much for your time and wisdom.. I will do some self examination... 5/10/2017 07:33:35 pm
Hello Jennifer,
Maria
27/1/2018 12:49:14 pm
I am just like Sherry and Jennifer. I am baffled over the neediness, clingy behaviour and obsession. Are you suggesting we look within to get in touch with what our needs are in a relationship? I never really felt I needed anyone to fulfill me in any way so it seems odd. 27/1/2018 01:02:09 pm
Hello Maria,
Maria
27/1/2018 01:36:52 pm
That's the thing. I was looking for clarity on what you had written not in a confrontational way in spite of how I may have come off because I am baffled over why I keep attracting the same type of man. I know at one point in my life it was because I had a Mother Teresa complex of saving and then I ended up in a mothering role which I hated. However, now, after having looked within quite a bit I can't seem to pinpoint it. 27/1/2018 02:07:36 pm
Hello Maria,
Alex
5/2/2018 10:17:06 pm
Spot on! Thank you for this. One of those 'should have been clear all along' moments. Appreciate your time and wisdom! 7/2/2018 03:03:59 pm
Hello Alex,
Andrew
2/2/2021 10:53:10 am
Hey Oliver, I just stumbled upon your article after searching for "why do I keep attracting needy women" and just want to say thank you. I've been working on my self-development for the past 6 years and have def made major improvements with myself, but found myself in a similar situation like in my last long-term relationship before I started my self development journey. Essentially, attracting women who I was a bit unsure about, can see that they're a bit needy and may have some trust issues if you will. After reading your article, I did some self-reflection on myself and went really deep. I found that what you said I resonated with. There is a part of me who also has trust issues, who's also insecure and feels inadequate. There's a part of me who feels like I need to display the perfect image to the women I date or who i'm in a relationship with! That I can't display any flaws which is the impossible! I can't be perfect so yeah now I'm going to cont. healing more parts of myself and maybe this time around, if things do progress, I can work on sharing my vulnerability a bit more in a very healthy way so we can maybe work together and grow. We'll see! Thanks Oliver! Best of luck! 3/2/2021 11:03:32 pm
Hello Andrew,
Laura
22/2/2021 07:07:32 am
Thank you for this article, it was fascinating. I am in therapy for a bunch of reasons, but my therapist was really trying to get out of me what my needs were and I genuinely didn’t understand what she was talking about, especially as we were chatting about my overly-needy new partner that I was struggling with. None of it made sense until I read your article. As a child I was abandoned by my mother for some months due to her mental health issues, and when she returned if I behaved badly or got upset I would get locked in the porch until I was a “good girl” again. I learned, as you suggested, that having needs was not safe and my emotional needs would not be met, so I went through life trying not to have any and trying to be someone that somebody would stick around for. My girlfriend has had a similar experience but not to the same degree perhaps, in that she was also told not to display negative emotions and that everything had to be happy all the time - only now it feels as though she needs me to be her emotional regulator and I find myself in a mothering role which isn’t really what I need when I’m already a single parent and dealing with the after-effects of an abusive relationship and CPTSD from my pre-verbal abandonment. It’s a difficult situation and I’m really not certain how to overcome it... advice would be appreciated! Thanks again for such an insightful and well-written article. 8/4/2021 06:04:44 pm
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 27 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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