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Relationships: Why Do Some People Attract People Who Are Unavailable?

17/5/2013

6 Comments

 
In order to have a relationship with someone it is important that they are actually available. And although this can seem like a normal and an obvious thing to expect, it is not always the case for some people.

For them, it can seem as though it is impossible to attract someone into their life who is available. Where they meet these people and what they look like may well be different, but the experience is typically the same.

A bit like the film groundhog hog day, where the same scenario plays out over and over again and therefore leads to the same results. And this can be experienced in many different forms.

Scenarios

One could meet another person and get to a certain stage and then they are just not willing to go further. It could also be experienced through being attracted to people who are unavailable in other ways.

Perhaps one is constantly drawn to people who are married or in a relationship already or to people who work oversees for most of the year and even those who explicitly say that they don’t want a relationship.

Patterns

Through going over the kind of people that one is attracted to, there will often be a pattern that begins to appear. It could be that one ends up going for people who are married or say they don’t want more.

This could also be something that is less clear and more subtle. And this mean that one will have to make a note or just reflect on what the people have been like who they have gone for in the past or are going for at this moment.

The Story

What the mind will do through experiencing these situations is come up with all kinds of reason as to why this is happening. And these meanings will often become the truth and why something is happening.

These will naturally vary from person to person and there can also be general meanings, such as:

·     That one is unlovable

·     That one is unworthy

·     That one doesn’t deserve a relationship

·     That one is a victim

·     That one has no control

·     That one is powerless

·     That one is hopeless

A Deeper Look

And based on what one is experiencing through attracting unavailable people, these meanings will be rational conclusions to make. To the mind, everything is external and as a result of this, one is therefore a victim and powerless to change anything.

Even though these meanings will make sense and match what is going on, they are only the tip of the iceberg. And as one begins to dig a little deeper and to see what is going on beneath the story, something else will soon appear.

The Ego Mind

At one level the mind has the story and all the reasons why something is not happening and at a deeper level are the real reasons. It is here that the ego mind has formed associations around what is familiar and therefore safe.

This is often classed as secondary gain. What this means, it that although one can complain about not having something, on a deeper level it is because they is a benefit to not getting it. The benefit is often unconscious and out of one’s conscious awareness.

Here the ego will have created associations that it is not safe to have someone who is available. And this is sabotaging ones true need to attract someone who is.

It’s Comfortable

The reason one is attracted to people who are unavailable is because it feels comfortable. This is why it happens over and over again. If it didn’t feel right on some level, then it wouldn’t take place.

To have someone who is available is likely to create fear and this is often due to how one was cared for as a child. These moments play a pivotal role in the type of person that one is attracted to.

If ones caregivers were: unavailable, aloof, neglectful or distant for example, then this can lead to one only feeling safe when there is some kind of distance. And as this feels safe, one will feel uncomfortable when people get close to them.

Awareness

It can be easy to get caught up in the drama and to look outside for reasons why something is not working. And yet if this is something that is continually happening to someone, then it is beneficial to look within.

This can be done with the help of a coach or a therapist. It will depend on how much of a challenge this is for someone and if they feel they can take care of it themselves or if they need some outside assistance.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get  in touch. And feel free to share this article. 

Oliver J R Cooper 
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
6 Comments
Lori Godfrey
24/6/2013 07:36:45 am

Hi Oliver,
It is interesting your new article is about attracting unavailable people. Presently I am going through a situation but this person in the beginning was available. A single man but at some point commitment phobia. Lori

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper link
24/6/2013 07:59:34 am


Hello Lori,

thanks for getting in touch. This is one of the many ways that one’s fear of intimacy can appear externally.

Over the years I attracted a number of women who were unavailable and I realised that it was really about me and not them. I feared intimacy.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Lori Godfrey
24/6/2013 01:26:16 pm

So the problem could lie with him. Lori

Oliver J R Cooper link
24/6/2013 01:36:54 pm

Hello Lori,

take a look at the article I wrote titled - Relationships: What Are Your Relationships Mirroring Back To You? That may give you some insight.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Hilton link
20/7/2013 01:33:11 pm

I must confess how humbled I am to finally come across a site that understands me. Like Oliver , I too have had a history of attracting unavailable and mentally unhealthy women. It is all bout me and not them. I admire how Oliver directs us to the dependent origination or the spring of the dilemma. Kudos to you Oliver and your site. Your therapy is the best I have seen yet and I have experienced a myriad of forms of therapy. Hilton.

Reply
Oliver J R Cooper link
20/7/2013 02:59:35 pm

Hello Hilton,

I am pleased to hear that you have been assisted by these articles.

It is easy to become distracted and caught up in life's dramas, but this is a great way to waste time.

Thank you,

Oliver

Reply

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    Oliver JR Cooper

    Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.


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    Disclaimer
    That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.





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