While some people will only know what it feels like to be with someone who can love them, there are going to be other people who only know what it feels like to be with someone who can’t love them. And this is going to mean that each person has a radically different experience on this planet.
So when the latter takes place for someone, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they will stay together, as their connection to the other person could soon come to an end. And if the other person can’t love them, then this is surely the best thing that could take place.
Out Of Balance
To stay with someone who is unable to show love is going to lead to a relationship that is out of balance. One is not going to be able to just be and to know that they are enough; they are going to feel the need to do things.
And through doing, one will hope that they will be able to make the other person love them. At a deeper level, one is not going to realise that who they are is enough and that they don’t have to do anything.
For the more effort one puts in, the less of an effect they are likely to have. Through putting in so much effort, it is also going to reinforce ones belief that they are not enough. It can then become a vicious cycle.
The Opposite Effect
The other person may end up pulling away or feeling overwhelmed. There is also the chance that one will be taken advantage of and the other person will encourage them to act in ways that will undermine them.
The ideal is going to be for them to have a relationship that has moments of give and take and while this won’t always be the case, it will be the what the relationships is built on. If one attracted people who were different, then this wouldn’t have to be how things are for them.
So when one is loved by another, they are going to feel acknowledged by them. They are not going to feel like a ‘human doing’; they are going to feel like a ‘human being’. That is not to say that there will never be conflict, what it means is that one is going to know that who they are is enough.
This is going to include: affection, support, validation, respect, trust and kindness for instance. But while some people will see this as part of life, others will wonder what this actually feels like.
On one side then, there is going to be how one feels in their body and at the same time, there is also going to be what is taking place in their head. As a result of not being loved, the mind is going to create all kinds of reasons why that is – this is the story.
Here, one could end u believing that: they are unlovable, that other people have something they don’t and that they are not enough. This could cause one to believe they are just unlucky.
And based on this meaning, one is not going to feel as though they have any control in what is happening to them. But even though the minds story may be taken as the truth, it is nothing more than a story.
Ultimately, it is not what is taking place in ones the mind that is causing one to attract people who can’t love them; it is what is going on in their body. What is going on in the mind will need to be acknowledged; but if one gets attached to the story, they are going to continue to recreate the same experiences.
Who one attracts is going to be different and what happens can also be different, but what will be the same is how one feels. It is often said that one’s thoughts create their feelings and this can be the case.
Emotional Build Up
However, to say that one’s thoughts always define how one feels would be incorrect. And this is because the body can carry trapped emotions and all the time they are there, they are going to cause one’s mind to trigger and create certain meanings.
This emotional build can include the following feelings: shame, rejection, abandonment, worthlessness, grief, hopelessness and even death. So when one is with someone who can’t love them or when a relationship ends with someone who can’t, they could end up experiencing these feelings.
Where Do They Come From?
And while one will have experienced these feelings in their adult relationships, they unlikely to have been the cause of them. In most cases, one will have first experienced these feelings during their childhood years.
This would have been a time where ones needs and wants were not met on a regular basis, it at all. And as didn’t receive the mirroring and attunement that they needed from their caregiver/s, it is only natural that they are going to believe that they are unlovable.
These early experiences would have created a lot of pain and as these feelings have not been processed, it is causing one to re-create the same experiences and this then reinforces their beliefs.
One will need to get in touch with this early pain and to grieve their unmet childhood needs. It might also be important for one to receive the positive regard that they didn’t receive all those years ago. A therapist or a healer can support one in both of these processes.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.