When someone is in a relationship, they may find that their behaviour doesn’t really change, and that this allows them to carry on as normal. Clearly, their life will be different as they will be with someone, but this won’t have caused them to become someone else.
Also, there are still going to be other areas of their life that will interest them. Said another way, their partner is not going to be seen as the centre of their world.
A Number of Interests
So, in addition to the time that they will spend with their partner, they will also spend time working on their career, with their friends, and taking part in different hobbies, for instance. One is then not going to be someone who puts all their eggs into one basket, so to speak.
Now, this doesn’t mean that they won’t think about their partner when they are at work or at the gym, for instance, what it mean is that they will still be able to focus on what is at hand and to be able to function. Naturally, it is going to be normal for them to spend more time thinking about their pattern in the beginning of a relationship.
This is then no different to how one is likely to spend a lot of time thinking about their car if it is brand new, and, of course, if it is a car that they are proud of. But as the days and weeks go by, they will gradually find that their attention is drawn towards other things.
Having the ability to focus on what is taking place in each moment of their life and not spending too much time thinking about their partner, it is also likely to have a positive effect on their relationship. One is still going to behave in a way that is similar to how they behaved when they first got together.
The others areas of one’s life are going to meet a number of their needs, stopping them from looking towards their partner to fulfil all of their needs. This is then going to stop them from being too needy and expecting too much.
Ultimately, one is not going to see their partner as their mother/father, which will allow them to maintain their boundaries, thereby allowing them to realise that they are two separate people. There will be what this person can give them and what they can’t; just as there will be what they can give their partner and what they can’t.
A Different Experience
Although some people will be able to behave in this way when they are in a relationship, there are going to be others who end up losing all self-control when they end up with someone. As a result of this, their behaviour is likely to change and it will be a challenge for them to focus on other areas of their life.
Having said that, to say that will be a challenge could be an understatement; it could be more or less impossible for them to focus on other areas of their life. It could then be as if one’s mind has been taken over by something.
Therefore, regardless of what else is taking place in their life, they are going to spend most of their time thinking about their partner. It won’t matter if they have a career that is fulfilling or a number of hobbies that they enjoy.
Through spending so much time thinking about their partner, they might not perform as well as usual at work. They might not be fully present when they are taking part in a hobby or are around friends, for instance, either.
This could mean that they will be constantly sending messages to their partner, needing to know what they are doing and where they are. In the beginning, their partner may have appreciated being the centre of attention but, as time passed, ones behaviour is likely to be too much for them to handle.
Their partner could end up feeling smothered and as though they are being suffocated by ones attention. The problem is that if ones partner was to end up pulling away, one could end up becoming even more obsessed – if that’s even possible.
A Closer Look
Their partner could wonder what has happened to them, and one could say their behaviour is just a sign of how much they love them. In reality, ones behaviour is likely to be more about control than love, and to be fear based.
The reason why one’s mind is consumed by their partner is likely to be because of what is taking place at a deeper level. Underneath their minds obsessive thoughts, and their destructive behaviour, is likely to be a lot of pain/trauma.
If they were to get out of their head and to connect with what is taking place in their body, they may find that they feel overwhelmed with pain. This could be a time when they will feel rejected, abandoned, powerless, hopeless and helpless.
Being consumed with another person is then a way for them to keep this pain at bay, pain that is likely to be the result of what took place during their early years. It is then not that one necessarily loves their partner; it is that they are trying to avoid how they feel.
Another way of looking at this is to say that, unconsciously, one is projecting the mother/father they wanted onto their partner, with this allowing them to experience love, worth and a sense of belonging, amongst other things, by being with them. And, if they didn’t have this person in their life, it would cause them to get in touch with how they really felt when they were younger.
Their early years may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected. The years would have passed since that time in their life, but how they felt will have stayed trapped in their body.
If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. The support of a therapist or a healer may be needed.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.