Relationships: Why Do Some People Believe That They Have To Do What Other People Want In Order To Be Accepted?
It could be said that it is part of human nature to want to be accepted, and this is something that human beings need during the beginning of their life. When this takes place, it is likely to be a lot easier for them to function when they are older.
The reason for this is that before one can accept themselves, they will need to be accepted by others. Therefore, if one was brought up around people who accepted them, it is likely to mean that they are able to accept themselves.
What took place in their external environment when they were younger would then have been what created their inner world. Through being treated in this way, there is a strong chance that one finds it easy to be themselves.
In general, how they come across is going to be a reflection of who they are, and this will allow them to fulfil their true needs. There is then going to be no need for them to put on an act around others.
Consequently, one is going to be able to experience true intimacy with others. One is not going to have the need to hide their needs and feelings, and this will allow the people in their life to connect with them at a deeper level.
Ultimately, one is going to value themselves, and this will stop them from putting up with bad behaviour from others. Being treated in this way is not going to feel comfortable and this will allow them to stand their ground.
It won’t matter if someone treated them badly in a relationship or if this was to take place when they are out shopping, for instance. This is going to stop one from experiencing a lot of drama in their life.
If one as to pay attention to how they talk to themselves, they are likely to find that they are their own best friend. It is not going to matter if they make a mistake, as they are going to be kind to themselves.
So just as their caregiver/s treated them in a loving manner when they did something wrong as a child, part of them will be act like a loving parent whenever something goes wrong in their adult life. This supportive voice within them will give them the ability to handle most of the ups and downs of life.
The Big Difference
And as one accepts themselves, they are not going to have a strong need for other people to accept them. The people they come into contact with will pick on the fact that they accept themselves, and it is then going to a lot easier for people to accept them.
What this comes down to is that when someone wants something, it can be hard for them to attain it; but when they don’t need it, it can just show up. The acceptance that they get from others is going to validate what is taking place within them.
On the other hand, when on doesn’t accept themselves, they are going to have a strong need for other people to accept them. It is not going to be possible for them to be themselves; they will have to be who other people want them to be (or who they think they want them to be).
One is going to be out of touch with their true-self, and the person they present to the world is just going to be a reflection of their false-self. This could be something that one is aware of, or they might not have got to this stage yet.
Either way, this is going to stop them from being able to listen to their needs and feelings; their priority will be to please other people. When this takes place, they will be able to receive the approval that they desperately need.
This is going to have a positive effect on them, but it won’t make up for the fact that they are out of touch with themselves. One is then going to be gaining one thing and losing something far more important - the ability to live their own life.
It is then likely to be normal for other people to walk over them, and for one to do things that they don’t really want to do. This is then similar to someone who is willing to lose everything just to be famous or to make a lot of money.
One’s need to receive approval is something that will have taken over their whole life, and everything else will fall by the wayside. Instead of being their own best friend and giving themselves the support that they need, they are going to be their own worst enemy.
One is likely to believe that they would end up being rejected and abandoned if they no longer behaved in this way. This is also likely to show that one believes that they are worthless.
Doing what other people want is then a way for them to make sure that they don’t end up being ostracised. It would be easy for someone to tell them that they don’t need to behave in this way, as this won’t happen.
A Closer Look
However, there is the chance that one is carrying trauma in their body, and this is going to stop them from being able to just let go and to move on with their life. During their younger years, they were probably brought up in an environment here they didn’t get what they needed.
If their caregiver did give them attention and approval, it may have been for the role that they had to play as opposed to who they were. Through being treated in this way, it would have set them up to believe that there was something inherently wrong with them.
At this age, one wouldn’t have had the ability to take a step back and to reflect on how they were being treated, and this is why it would have been taken personally. This would have stopped them from being able to realise that their caregiver was incapable of giving them what they needed, and one would have come to believe that they were unlovable.
The truth is that is one is lovable and valuable; how they were treated had nothing to do with them. It was simply a reflection of what was taking place for their caregiver.
If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to work with a therapist or a healer. This will give them the chance to heal themselves.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.