Although having needs is part of being human, it doesn’t mean that everyone is in touch with them. There will be some people who are in touch with their needs, and there will be others who are not.
However, even if one is in touch with their needs, it doesn’t mean that they will always know what they need. There could be moments where they feel disconnected, and during these moments, their needs could be a mystery.
Also, even if one is disconnected from their needs, it doesn’t mean that they wont have moments where this won’t be the case. For one reason or another, they could end up being aware of what it is that they need.
In The Middle
But if one doesn’t experience life from either side of the spectrum, they could fall somewhere in the middle. As a result of this, they could have moments when they are in touch with what they need and moments when they are not.
What this could mean is that one is out of touch with themselves when they are around certain people or during certain circumstances, for instance. Either way, it won’t be possible for them to constantly experience life in one way.
When one is touch with their needs, there life is going to be a lot easier, and it will also allow them to experience fulfilment. The reason for this is that one’s needs are there to guide them.
And through paying attention to them, it will give them the information that they need to move towards the things that truly matter. Therefore, there will be the effect it has in each moment of their life, as well as the effect it has on what they will achieve in the future.
For example, one could be working on something and their plan may be to carry on with what they are doing until the end of the day. However, a friend could get in touch and ask them if they want to go out for a drink.
But through having this connection, they will be able to stand their ground, and this will enable them to stay on course. If on the other hand, this wasn’t the case, one could end up ignoring their own needs.
In The Long Run
This is not to say that one will only focus on their own life and ignore everything else; what it comes down to is that they will be aware of what matters. Due to this, it will be a lot easier for them to achieve things.
The actions that they take each day will allow them to achieve their long term goals, and these will be the kinds of things that won’t happen overnight. Yet although this is something that won’t happen overnight, if one didn’t do what they needed to do each day these goals would always be out of reach.
This will also mean that they will be able to reach out to others, and this could be a time where they want to experience intimacy or when they just want to spend time with someone. What this shows is that they don’t feel ashamed of their needs, and there is then no reason for them to hide them.
And through experiencing life in this way, they are less likely to end up coming across as needy. Still, if one didn’t feel comfortable with their needs and kept them to themselves, it would be a different story altogether.
However, if one is on the other side of the spectrum, it will be a challenge for them to know what their needs are. Therefore, they could be in a position where they get caught up in what other people want them to do.
One could even describe themselves as someone that just goes with the flow, and while this will be normal, it is unlikely to be very fulfilling. But even though this will cause them to suffer; this pain could be kept at bay through the approval that they receive.
To Be Expected
When one doesn’t know what their needs are, it is to be expected that they will look towards others to tell them what do to. And when this doesn’t take place, they might just do what other people are doing.
Yet regardless of what approach they take, they are going to be out of touch with the information that is within then. This is also likely to mean that one will be out of touch with their relational needs.
Even so, this is not to say that one will end up feeling needy, as they could also be out of touch with the emotional pain that they experience through not getting their needs met. Having said that, if it was to arise one might just end up feeling drained, and they might not realise why this is.
And although one can be out of touch with all of their needs, they could also be in a position where they are aware of certain needs. For example, one may know what they need to do when it comes to their career, but they could be completely out of touch with their relational needs.
In fact, one could see themselves as ‘independent’, and they could say that they don’t need anyone else. Being this way could be seen as a sign of strength and if they were to need others, it could be seen as a weakness.
So as one is out of touch with the fact that they need others, they could be carrying a lot of pain within them. And if they were to get in touch with what is taking place with how they feel in their body, they could end up feeling incredibly needy.
On one hand, there can the needs that they have ignored in their adult life, and on the other hand, there can be the needs that were ignored during their childhood years. As if one ignores their relational needs as an adult, there is a strong chance that this is because of how their caregivers responded to their needs when they were younger.
At a young age, they may have learned that it wasn’t safe for them to have needs, and this then set them up to become needless. By experiencing life in this way, it will allow them to experience control; whereas if they were to embrace their needs, this wouldn’t be the case.
While this is something that could happen directly, it could also end up taking place indirectly. When it comes to the former, one could end up looking for answers after becoming frustrated with how their life is.
But when it comes to the later, the needs that they have denied for so long could end up coming to the surface when they are in a relationship, or when it comes to an end. Now, there is always the chance that one will simply ignore how they feel and carry on with their life.
Based on how their caregivers responded to their needs when they are younger, there is a strong chance that they will feel ashamed of them. And until one starts to feel comfortable with their needs and to realise there is nothing wrong with them, their life is unlikely to change.
If one can relate to this, it will be important for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.