There are numerous challenges that can arise in a relationship and while some of these are fairly insignificant and can be overlooked, others are far more significant and can’t be ignored.
And while there is going to be external challenges, there is also going to be internal challenges. So this means the external challenges will typically be noticeable on the outside and if ones partner can’t see them, then perhaps friends or family will.
This is because denial may arise and ones partner might not want to acknowledge something that is taking place. On the other side of this are internal challenges; with these being ones that have not yet appeared on the outside.
So certain fears that one has about the relationship will be part of what is taking place inside. Now, these may reflect what is taking place and yet they could just be the result of one’s imagination and are therefore nothing more than a mental creation.
On one side there is what is taking place in the present moment and then there is the potential for one to project their past onto the current situation. Because as human beings, we all have our own baggage and the more we have, the more problems can arise in our relationships.
Relationships can be a way for one to deal with this baggage or they can be a way for one to avoid it. It can all depend on how aware one is and whether their partner is both aware and willing to deal with their own history.
So it could be that one’s partner has cheated on them and this is something they do on a fairly consistent basis. And therefore what their mind is telling them and how they feel is a reflection of reality.
Not only is this something they can sense, it is what other people have told them. What is taking place within is then validated by what is taking place without. All the evidence is there and one can then see that they are not going mad or deluding themselves.
Once one has the evidence, they can take the right steps to put an end to this dysfunctional behaviour. But this is not necessarily going to be easy; as one may have a strong emotional reaction and this can make it hard to function as they normally would.
Their partner could also resist and end up denying and invalidating what they are saying. So it won’t always be straightforward and involve one asking directly and getting an honest answer. Or they could admit to it and progress could well be made. It can all depend on how committed they are to the relationship and if they are willing to change their behaviour.
Just because one may think and feel that something is taking place, it doesn’t mean that this is so. The mind can create an inner experience and one can come to conclude that this is due to what is happening out there. And yet this could have nothing to do with what is out there and everything to do with their minds interpretation.
In this case, there is what is taking place and then there is how they are interpreting these occurrences. This could be a relationship that is based on honesty and trust and the people around them could also tell them how well behaved their partner is and still this is not enough to put their mind at rest.
This fear could be stronger at the beginning of the relationship, as each person is still getting to know each other and trust is still forming. However, this could also be a challenge as the relationship progresses.
So when one fears that their partner is cheating or could cheat, there is going to be a mental, emotional and physical reaction. Their mind is going to fire of thoughts, their emotional body is going to produce feelings and sensations are also likely to arise.
This could trigger the following feelings: anger, rage, betrayal, abandonment, powerlessness, loss, hopelessness and even the feeling that one is going to die. To look at this experience logically, this may appear to be a bit extreme and even out of place.
One might come to the conclusion that they are over reacting and they need to stop feeling this way. Other people may say that they need to trust and to build up their ‘self esteem’ and to believe in themselves. So thinking and behaving differently could be one way of dealing with this inner experience.
A Different Approach
Ideally, a relationship between two adults is based on mutual choice and they are together because they want to be and not because they feel they have to be. And if this is in place and trust is there, then there is no reason for one to have such a strong reaction.
The Past Revisited
However, the reason one is having such as strong reaction could be due to what it is triggering from their early childhood years. If ones partner cheats, there is the potential for one to be left by them. And when one imagines that their partner is cheating, the same experience of loss will come up.
One is highly unlikely to die when this happens as an adult, but to be left as a baby or a young child would feel like death. To be abandoned during these early years will feel like the end of the world and that is because one hasn’t developed the ability to regulate their emotions and is completely dependent.
To more emotionally aware ones caregivers were, the less chance one would have had of being abandoned as a baby and a child. This doesn’t mean that one had to be abandoned all the time, as this could have been a one off occurrence that was traumatic.
If one experienced a lot of emotional neglect and was therefore abandoned as a way of life, then they are likely to have experienced a lot of emotional pain during these early years. And with no one around to help them regulate how they felt, these emotions would have remained trapped in their body.
So time passed and one physically grew up and yet emotionally they have stayed the same and all because their body is holding onto the emotional experiences. The beliefs and thoughts that were formed as a result of what took place will also have stayed in one’s mind.
These beliefs and thoughts will need to be seen for what they are – illusions. And then these trapped feelings and emotions that are in one’s body will need to be realised. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.