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Relationships: Why Do Some People Feel Smothered In A Relationship?

22/11/2013

12 Comments

 
Although one can have the desire to be in an intimate relationship with someone, it doesn’t mean that this feels comfortable. In their mind this could be what they want and yet when it comes to making this a reality, it doesn’t feel right.

What feels right is for them to stay away from intimacy in general and should they happen to get into a relationship, then there will be the urge for it to end. And this urge could arise as soon as it has begun. So this is going to create conflict and self sabotage is going to take place.

The need to experience intimacy is not going to go away and so even though one can feel smothered by it; it doesn’t mean that they will just give up. Putting this need to one side and forgetting about it is unlikely; at least in the long term.

So although this can lead one getting into a relationship and then ending it shortly after or even avoiding intimacy all together, there are other options. And while these options won’t be the same, what they will do is create short term intimacy or give one a quick dose of it.

Modern Day Relating

Here, one could have what are often described as ‘casual relationships’. In some cases this could mean that one is just seeing another person; with their being no commitment or even the mention of it being a relationship. One might have a number of people in their life that they see, but that is about as far as it goes.

And a big part or the only part of these relationships is sex. What sex does, it allows one to experience closeness with another and even experience the illusion of love for a very short time. It won’t lead to deeper fulfilment or a real connection with someone; what it will do is allow one to feel close to another without feeling smothered or trapped by them.

These types of interactions allow one to stay at a distance that feels safe and doesn’t cause their deeper fears to arise. The challenge is that these types of relationships are never going to be truly fulfilling or allow one to feel like a whole human being.

The Other Side

Or one might avoid physical contact in general out of this fear being so strong. And through being out of touch with this fear, they might come to the conclusion that they are unlucky, a victim or have no control in this area of their life.

When what it comes down to is the fact that they have unconsciously built walls around themselves. And the mind will then create all kinds of stories as to why one doesn’t experience intimacy, but at a deeper level it is what feels safe.

The Short Term

To engage in casual relationships from time to time is not going to cause too many problems. One could have just ended one relationship and so they don’t want too much. However, if this way of relating is a way of life, the consequences are going to be different.

In today’s society, these ways of relating are often seen as normal and to be a reflection of how people have evolved. When in reality, what they often reveal is the human need to experience intimacy on one side and the tendency to avoid pain on the other.

Conflict

The need to experience closeness with another is part of being human and yet what is not natural to being human is to feel fearful of getting close to another. If this was normal, then the whole human species may have died out many years ago.

So something is clearly not right here and while one can feel that this emotional experience is part of who they are, it is nothing more than a parasite. It has taken over one’s ability to responding to their real needs and wants and is causing them to act in ways that are not in their best interests.

The Experience

Here one is not going to just have a few thoughts that they are being smothered, it will be a whole body experience. And this could be a very primal experience and cause them to feel as though they are going to die.

To look at this logically, it is unlikely that one is going to die. But emotionally, this is how powerful his experience can be. So this is a serious challenge and not something that can be dismissed or even thought out of.

Causes

The biggest cause for these feelings will be what happened when one was a baby and a child. How emotionally in tune and aware their caregiver was during these moments will have been of the upmost importance.

During these formative years, one is completely dependent on their caregiver’s awareness of them. So it is vital that their caregiver is able to tune into how they are responding; this relates to when they have had enough contact and when they are in need of more.

If this caregiver was generally aware and in tune it would have been fine. But when this didn’t happen, one would have had no way of protecting themselves and would have felt: smothered, engulfed, overwhelmed, trapped and even have felt the need to die as a result. And at this age one was powerless and there was nothing that they could do about it.

Now

As an adult, one has a choice in what takes place. However, what can create the illusion of having no choice is due to having these same feelings and emotions trapped in one’s body. So while one has physically grown, they can still feel the same emotionally.

One’s mind may have grown since then, but what hasn’t grown in the same way is their emotional body. So as soon as one gets close to another, they end up regressing back to these early experiences.

These feelings and emotions can be trapped all over one’s body. Their shoulders, chest and upper back can be where a lot of them are trapped. And then further down their body, just above their stomach, in what is often called the ego, is likely to be where the experience of death is held.

Awareness

One will need to get in touch with these feelings and emotions and release them in order to be present and to realise that they have a choice as an adult. This will allow them to finally embrace intimacy without fearing that they will lose themselves. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get  in touch. And feel free to share this article. 

Oliver J R Cooper 
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/
12 Comments
Elizabeth
4/9/2015 02:33:25 pm

So I found this after I discovered a feeling of being smothered even though I haven't been, I've been on one date and I feel like I need to get away from him, I've felt like this every time I was asked out by guy which has been a few times in my life. I was able to relate to this article and about 3 years ago I was told that something happened to me as a 6 year old. I'm 32 now and am trying to figure out what happened to me, all I know is that a man touched me. I seeking counselling to try to resolve this mess but I greatly appreciate this story as I was having trouble understanding what was going on with me when it came to relationships.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
4/9/2015 05:45:11 pm

Hello Elizabeth,

thanks for getting in touch!

It sounds like you are on the right track. I hope you are soon able to move beyond this challenge.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Leah
15/10/2015 02:19:51 pm

I needed this! Thank you

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
15/10/2015 05:50:18 pm

Hello Leah,

thank you for your comment.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
MD
1/2/2016 11:35:16 am

So im involved with a Man, that as soon as it gets down to making a commitment or taking it as a real relationship he feels smothered & backs off. im kinda confused on how i should perceive this situation..any advice?

Marion Martin
21/10/2015 01:26:00 pm

Thank you for this article, I so needed an explanation for this feeling/behavior. I've been feeling like such a freak. I've been called impossible, heartless and selfish. That is not at all who I am. I've met some good people along the way that I ran from. This is depressing so my way of coping is to keep telling myself that I want to be alone.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
21/10/2015 01:37:42 pm

Hello Marion,

thanks for your comment, and I am pleased to hear that this article has made a difference.

I hope you find the support you need to move forward.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
1/2/2016 06:52:00 pm

Hello MD,

well on one hand, you could talk to him about what is taking place and see if he is willing to look into why he feels this way. This could then mean that he will need to reach out for support and this can be a time where he will have to work through his childhood pain.

If he is not open to this, it might be necessary for you to look into why you are still together.

And if this is something that has taken place before, it may be a sign that you need to look into why you keep attracting this kind of man. It could be a sign that you fear being smothered at a deeper level.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Benjamin Ash
17/10/2016 11:59:26 am

Hi Oliver Great I love my girlfriend (although she can be clingy but I have began to feel distant and that is unconsciously hurts to be near her most of the time. It was triggered by a familiar panic feeling. Do people ever get past this?

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
18/10/2016 05:28:29 pm

Hello Benjamin,

I would say that it is possible, but you might need to work with a therapist in order to move forward.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply
Bernadette
24/2/2017 04:53:58 pm

Hi Oliver
I experience this in significant other relationships and feel smothered and trapped. Im 54 years old and have seen a therapist recently who talked about Attachment wounds which led me to read a book on Attachment and recognise my behaviour as Avoidant. I have been sexually abused age 6 and then again age 10 by two separate individuals. I avoided guys when I was young and only met my late partner age 26 ( he was an older married man) we lived together for 5 years and were very happy until he died of cancer. As your article details I have engaged in casual relationships where there could be no intimacy ( married men) these were after my late partners death. I recognised how I was sleep walking into these situations and stopped. However my attempts to connect with emotionally available men of which there have been 2 in the last 7 years has been unsuccessful as each time I feel myself getting close ..the most recent relationship was the worst I was panicking on a daily basis. Fear was the overwhelming feeling and i was very upset as this was a man i really liked, cared for and was attracted to. I should also say that my default has been to jump in very fast physically, that doesn't scare me and with an emotionally unavailable man that works ..... I have been in and out of therapy since my partners death 21 years ago and feel that i am better being friends with a man as my anxiety causes so much heartache for all concerned. Im aware that slowing down is key and taking baby steps as a Trauma therapist suggested however i feel i am destined to be on my own not because i don't want a close relationship but because i feel so terrified and trapped and while rationally i realise its the past reacting and not current day, trying to self soothe when my brain has hijacked is a lost cause. I don't drink. smoke, take drugs, i exercise regularly swimming and hiking and eat healthy.Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Reply
Oliver JR Cooper link
25/2/2017 03:01:08 pm

Hello Bernadette,

thank you for your comment.

I understand what you are saying. The book I have written on childhood trauma might assist you - https://www.amazon.com/Childhood-Trauma-Your-Being-Defined/dp/154234462X/ref=la_B00QC5LARE_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1488034836&sr=1-3

All the best,

Oliver

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