The desire to feel attractive is normal and something that the majority of people want to experience. Here, one can then feel a sense of healthy control when it comes to attracting the kind of man or woman that they desire. And this is also likely to lead to one feeling accepted and approved of by certain people. So this means that one’s wellbeing can be assisted through this taking place.
Of course this can be taken to the extreme, and one can allow their whole life to be defined by their need to look attractive in the eyes of others. This is inevitably going to lead to dysfunctional consequences and to unnecessary pain and suffering.
But while feeling attractive is important, it doesn’t mean that someone can relate to this. They may feel that they are unattractive and that no one would see them in that way. And then there will be others who do feel attractive.
So the first person will be going into the relationship hoping to feel attractive by being with the other person. And while the second person may also have this intention, it won’t be as strong as is it for the first person.
Now this doesn’t have to be a relationship that lasts for years in order for someone to end up questioning how attractive they truly are; it could only last for a matter of weeks or even months. It is not so much about how long the relationship lasts that matters, the biggest factor is how one interprets what happens.
Evan though one may have felt attractive going in to the relationship, once it ended, this idea about oneself can soon change. And for someone who felt unattractive before the relationship started, it may lead to them coming to the conclusion that how they feel is accurate and therefore true.
So one is in a relationship and they are gaining the validation and feedback that they want from the other person. This then leads to one’s mind interpreting these responses to mean that one is attractive. One is ultimately being mirrored and any inner conflict that one has in regards to not being attractive, is being covered up.
As each moment passes with this person, ones sense of attractiveness will increase. And by having this experience externally, one will start to internalise what is being mirrored by the other. If this process lasts long enough, one may even forget that they ever felt unattractive.
And how receptive and open one is will often define how long this can take. For some people it may be as little as a few days and for others it may take a number of weeks or months before they internalise the other person’s feedback.
The challenge is that although one has come to see themselves differently through being with this person, in some cases, how they felt in the beginning has just been covered up. It has not left; it is now just below ones conscious awareness
So all the time that one is in a relationship with this person and receiving the same kind of mirroring, one won’t have to experience what has been covered up. But if the relationship where to end, it could lead to the creation of all kinds of pain.
What this comes down to is the fact that one’s level or attractiveness has become attached to the other person. So on one side this means that one can become elevated through how the other person responds to them. But the down side to this is that the other person can also have the power to make one feel unattractive again.
The ego mind had become attached to this external source and is using it to regulate what is going on within. When one feels less than or inferior in some way, the ego identifies with something externally that appears strong. Here, it becomes possible to experience a sense of power or strength for example.
However, as this its taking place externally and not internally, it is not going to last. And once this external object changes that one has identified with, one is likely to return to their former state of being.
So if one felt unattractive before they were in the relationship, then this is the state they are likely to fall back to. And while one may not have felt unattractive in the beginning, through attaching their level of attractiveness to this person, they may also end up feeling unattractive.
And in both cases, there could be certain amount of repressed emotions that are triggered through the relationship ending. This is another reason the person that one was with, can seem to have so much over whether one feels attractive or not.
The person that one was with cannot make one feel unattractive, in many ways; all they have done is trigger the inner conflict that already exists.
These are inner experiences such as feeling: unaccepted, rejected, abandoned, alone, unworthy and unlovable for instance. If one is unaware of where these feelings have come from; it is then natural for one to believe that another person has the power to make them feel good or bad.
The mind looks out side and therefore projects what is being felt onto others. On one hand this means that this can lessen the pain that one is feeling, but it can also cause one to give their power away if this process goes on unknowingly.
For some people there level of attractiveness will soon settle after a relationship and for others, it may not be as simple as that. And this could be due to the painful emotions that have been triggered through this person. This may have been repressed for many years and could even come from when one was a child.
Time may be the best healer here, if this is not too much of a challenge. But for people who are feeling overwhelmed, some kind of assistance may be needed; through some kind of coach, healer or therapist or through self inquiry for example.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.