To have a relationship where one feels a healthy sense of love from another, is one of the most important elements of having a fulfilling relationship. Love can mean different things to different people, but generally this can include: affection, kindness, support, validation, touch, care and trust.
And while this can be a fundamental need that people can have in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that everyone will experience this. For the person who feels lovable; this will often be a part of life and something that is normal and taken for granted.
But for someone who feels that they are not lovable, this can feel like something that only other people can have and that they are unlucky or unfortunate. It may seem like nothing more than a dream and as a hope that may be fulfilled in the future.
The Unforgettable Need
Even though one may feel unlovable, it doesn’t mean that this need is simply going to disappear. There are a number of things that can happen as a result of this feeling. One of these is that one can have moments of repressing this need and then trying to fulfil the need; it can then become a cycle that one has.
When the feeling has subsided, one can look to be loved by another and then retract or give up when this feeling arises or when another rejects them in some way.
Another thing that can take place is the need to look or be perfect in order to be loved. Here, one can come to the conclusion that they will finally be lovable. This could include the attainment of wealth, material possessions, academic achievements and in needing to look physically beautiful at all times.
As a result of this inner experience that one has of not being lovable, there is likely to be certain patterns in one’s life. It could be that one constantly attracts people who are either emotionally or physically unavailable or abusive for instance.
One may even have a history of relationships that don’t last very long. Here, the relationship just seems to end for no apparent reason or cause. There could also be numerous experiences of being rejected and abandoned in relationships.
The mind is then likely to come up with all kinds of reasons or stories as to why this keeps happening. Even though these may appear to validate what is taking place and settle the mind, one is still ending up in the same situations over and over again. And this means that one is neither moving on nor attracting someone who does love them.
The Other Side
One may even have had experiences where someone did show love towards them. And instead of feeling drawn towards this person, they were repelled. Consciously, one could say that they didn’t feel anything for the other person or they were not their type for example.
Or perhaps it related to a situation where the relationship was unable to be continued. This could relate to: a holiday romance, someone who is married or in another relationship for example.
So regardless of whether one is attracted to someone who is unavailable in some way or if one attracts people who they don’t find attractive: the results are the same.
A Deeper Look
Although the ego mind can edit and filter out certain experiences that don’t match up with an outlook that it has identified with; the body will often have something else to say.
And while one may feel unlovable and want to be loved at a conscious level, at a deeper level (in the body), there is likely to be another dynamic taking place. So, as one feels unlovable on the inside, it means that the ego mind will cause one to attract people who mirror this and to interpret life in this way.
This is due to how the ego mind functions. It is constantly looking for validation in relation to what it has associated as the truth. To the mind, what is true is what is familiar and what is familiar is what is interpreted as being safe.
Why Is This?
So the question is - why would someone only feel safe when they are unloved and unsafe when they are loved? This brings the focus to the childhood years. One of the biggest factors is going to be how one was cared for by their primary caregiver.
There is said to be two styles of caregiving, one is empathic and the other unempathic. The empathic caregiver is someone who is generally emotionally present; they are in tune with the Childs needs and wants. And this means that they will: sooth, mirror, validate and touch the child at the appropriate times.
Here the child can come to learn that other people can be trusted and that its needs and wants are important. A natural consequence of this will be that it deserves to be loved and cared for. The Childs sense of self will also be formed though this process.
On the other hand, the unempathic caregiver is someone who is generally emotionally unavailable. They are out of tune with the Childs needs and wants. And this means that the child is unlikely to be: validated, mirrored, soothed or touched at the appropriate times.
Due to this, the child can come to learn that other people can’t be trusted and that its needs and wants are not important. As a result of this, the child can come to the conclusion that it doesn’t deserve to be loved or cared for. The child may also develop weak sense of self through this.
For the child that primarily receives unempathic care, it is typically going to create a lot of emotional pain. And it can also form what the child feels safe with and therefore recreates as an adult. The Childs original experience and the reference point that is then created, can lead to the conclusion that they are not worthy of being loved.
As this early experience was so powerful, it can become the truth of who one is and what others are like. The outlook is: if I was not loved by my caregiver, then why would anyone else love me. And should another person show love towards them, it may trigger suspicion and fear.
It just wouldn’t feel comfortable to be with someone who is loving and this is because it isn’t familiar. What is familiar to the ego mind, is someone who is distant or unavailable. This is what feels safe and it is often out of one’s conscious awareness.
The associations that were formed in the past and emotional pain that became trapped in the body are causing one to re create the past. As the emotions have remained in the body, they are defining what one feels comfortable with and the kind of people that one attracts and is attracted to.
Through releasing these repressed emotions, one will not only be able to attract someone who is loving, but also feel comfortable having someone who is loving. This process can be assisted through a therapist or healer, who allows one to feel their feelings and therefore release them.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.