While there have always been people who have had affairs, it is probably easier than ever before to have one. This is because of modern-day technology and how the internet has given people the chance to find someone without even leaving their home.
One can then use their phone to keep in contact with the other person (or other people if there is more than one person) and this can allow them to keep it all hidden. So there is no need for someone to write letters or to even speak on the phone; it can all be done without needing to send anything physical and without needing to make a sound.
These things could still take place but they no longer need to, and this can lower the risk of one being found out. The internet has also made it possible for one to meet someone in another part of the country or even another country; thereby creating a safe distance from where they live.
There are normal dating sites and ones where one can go to that give them the chance to have an affair. So no matter what one’s needs are, there is a site to take care of their needs. One doesn’t even need to upload a picture and they can keep their identity hidden.
This will then give them the chance to talk to people in their area and to people who are further afield. Based on the research that these sites do, it has even been said that some places are worse than others when it comes to affairs.
The Traditional Way
However, one doesn’t need to join an internet site in order to have an affair - they simply need to find someone in the ‘real world’. One could meet someone on a night out or it could be someone who they work with.
Whoever this person is attracted to or who is there to take care of their needs can end up being the person who they end up having an affair with. And while they could be similar to the person one is with, they might be the complete opposite.
In The Beginning
There are going to be some people who are looking for someone else - it is on their mind and they are going to do everything they can to find someone. And then there are going to be some people who just seem to end up having an affair.
In this case, one wasn’t consciously looking for someone but at a deeper level, they needed something. And as this need or a number of needs were not being met by the person they are with, the other person was seen as the solution to their problems.
What this can show is that one is experiencing inner conflict, and if their needs were being met, this wouldn’t be the case. One could be aware of this conflict or they could deny what is taking place within them. Either way, it is still going to be defining their behaviour and they could soon be leading a double life.
So when it comes to people who have affairs, it is often a sign that there is a breakdown in communication. How one is not talking to their partner about what is going on for them and what their needs are.
Instead, one is talking to another person about what their needs are and looking for them to fulfil them. And what can make it easier for one to go with someone else is if they feel emotionally disconnected from their partner.
If one felt emotionally connected to their partner it would be harder for them to have an affair. Having this connection is likely to mean that one talks to their partner and opens up. Each person is then in tune with each other and the need to look elsewhere is greatly reduced.
One can feel emotionally disconnected due to a number of reasons and this could be the result of what is happening externally and/or it could be the result of what is taking place within them.
Perhaps one no longer feels attracted to the other person and that is why they no longer feel connected to them. Having an affair is then an unconscious attempt for them to end the relationship without having to face the pain of having to end it directly.
It could also be a relationship where there was no emotional connection to begin with. This could come down to the fact that they have a fear of intimacy and as soon as someone gets too close, they end up feeling smothered. Having an affair is then a way for them to feel free once more.
Adulthood Needs and Childhood Needs
The reason one feels smothered in their relationship could be because of the feelings that relate to their childhood are being triggered. Going with another person is then a way to regulate how they feel, but it won’t do much more than that.
So if their current relationship was to end, their interest in the other person is also likely to end and this is because they would soon end up feeling smothered once more. One is then avoiding intimacy and unless they process their childhood pain and become emotionally available, they will continue to do so.
The Chosen Child
Another reason why one can have an affair is because they were ‘the chosen child’ during their childhood. This is also known as emotional incest. For a man this is likely to relate to how his mother treated him, and for a woman it might have been her father. These early years would have been a time when one was given special treatment and used as a surrogate spouse.
This would have taken place because their caregiver’s energy was not being direct towards someone their own age and was going towards them. One is then used to being the centre of attention and always having what they want.
On one side this will have caused one to feel good but at the same time it would have felt uncomfortable. As an adult, one is going to have the need to be the centre of attention and to always feel special.
But while this was how they felt as a child, it is not going to be possible for them to always feel this was as an adult. In the beginning of a relationship this might take place but as time passes, this is going to wane. Having an affair is then a way for one to experience the honeymoon period or their childhood all over again.
Ultimately, one will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs and then they will begin to see life through the eyes of an adult and not a child. They will no longer expect to feel special all the time or to be the centre of the other another person’s universe. It will also enable them to be emotionally available
So these are just a few reasons why someone can have an affair. And while the assistance is out there, there is also the chance that they are not willing to embrace it.
If one is experiencing pain and having an affair is seen as the way for them to feel better, then this is what might take place. It can all depend on whether one is willing to talk to their partner and/or to get the assistance they need to work on what is creating conflict. The assistance of a therapist or a healer can provide the support that one needs.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.