There are a number of reasons why one would want to be in a relationship with someone, and while they might be aware of these reasons, there is also the chance that they won’t be. At the same time, they might be aware of one of the reasons why they want to be with someone else.
When one is aware of why they want to be in a relationship, it could be said that they are in touch with themselves. Not only are they going to know why they want to be with someone; they are also going to have the ability to tell others why this is.
And because they know why, it might be easier for them to find someone who wants the same thing as they do. As a result of this, there is the chance that their relationship will be far more fulfilling.
Out of Touch
If, on the other hand, one just feels the need to be in a relationship, it could be said that they are out of touch with themselves. Not only are they not going to know why this is, it will also mean that they won’t be able to tell others.
There is then a strong chance that one will also end up with someone who has the same approach as they do. In the beginning of a relationship they might feel as though they have met the right person but as time passes, they might wonder what is going on.
In The Middle
However, one could also be in a position where they do have an idea of why they want to be in a relationship. If this is the case, they could say that they don’t want to be alone any more, or that they want someone to do things with.
Once again, they could also end up with someone who has the same or a similar reason for wanting to be in a relationship. They could soon find that they are single again, or that they are in a relationship that they won’t want to be in.
And while one person will want to be in a relationship to avoid how they feel, there are going to be others who want to be a relationship to grow. This is not to say they don’t want someone to share their life with; what it means it that they are looking for more than just a companion.
They will have the need to be with someone who will inspire them to grow as a human being and they will also want to inspire another person in the same way. This will then be a relationship where each person is there to support the other.
Therefore, this will be a relationship where two people are growing as opposed to a relationship where one person is moving forward and the other is staying as they are. One way of looking at this would be to say that they are there to make each other’s journey on this planet a little bit easier.
This could also be described as a conscious relationship and this is because each person is aware of why they are with the other person. So when it comes to the pain that they need to heal or the challenges they need to work through, there is a greater chance of them taking responsibility for what arises.
When one ends up in a relationship to avoid themselves, it wouldn’t be accurate to say that it is a conscious relationship. Ultimately, it will be about one person using the other to take their pain away.
The person they end up with will then allow them to keep their pain at bay, and they might not want them to change. Each of them is then playing a role and this is likely to be a role that they feel comfortable with.
One could be the person who comes across as highly capable and this means they might end up with someone who acts incapable. They can then come to believe that it is their job to rescue the other.
Alternatively, one could be the complete opposite and see themselves as someone who is incapable; it can then mean that they will end up with someone who is there to rescue them. And all the time the other person plays the opposite role, the relationship will continue to play out.
However, if one person was to change, it can end up having a negative effect on the other person. This is because if one was to play the role of someone who is capable or incapable, they are only going to be attracted to someone who plays the opposite role.
That is unless both of them were to change at the same time; but when this doesn’t take place, they can end up feeling repelled by the other person. What this comes down so is that in order for this kind of relationship to work, each person needs to stay the same.
So if one was the person who was there to rescue the other person and they were no longer willing to play this role; the other person could end up looking for someone else to rescue them. And if they were the one who looked to the other person to rescue them and they were to grow out of this role, the other person could go and look for someone else to rescue.
A Healthy Relationship
Unless one no longer wants to be rescued or to rescue others, it is not going to be possible for them to have a healthy relationship. When one plays one of these roles, it is likely to be a sign that their needs were not met during their younger years.
The way they behave as an adult can then be a way for them to get what they didn’t get during their childhood years. This is something that is not going to work through, and this is partly because the people they attract are just as wounded as they are.
It is also due to the fact that it is not going to be possible for another adult to meet the needs that were not met during their childhood years. Their unmet childhood need will be to be grieved, and this is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.
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Oliver JR Cooper
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 25 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.