Although each and every one of us is physically separate and therefore has our own needs and wants, it doesn’t mean that one is always aware of what these are. So instead of one looking within for guidance and a sense of purpose, they can end up looking to other people.
This is what will be normal and what will feel comfortable to them. It doesn’t have to be something that takes place consciously either; with one just doing this unconsciously. What one should or shouldn’t be doing is then largely defined by the views and expectations of others.
One is then more or less completely dependent on other people, when it comes to what they do with their life. And while being open to feedback from others from time to time is healthy and something that will enhance one’s life, there has to be a limit.
Even though other people can have ideas and advice when it comes to what one can do with their life, it is impossible for them to know everything. If human beings were not separate and all had one brain, then it would be different.
When it comes to the people that one is closest to, such as friends, family, lovers or their partner for instance, there is going to be the chance that their guidance will be more relevant. These people will have a greater understanding than ‘strangers’, so it is to be expected that they will have a certain level of insight into what ones needs and wants are.
But no matter how close one is to someone and how long they have known each other for, they are still separate. And while being close to someone can allow them to have greater insight into what their needs and wants are, this doesn’t mean that they will know everything.
Just because one has had the need to do something for many years and ever since someone has known them, it doesn’t mean that they will always be this way. Human beings are changeable and this means that nothing set in stone.
It could be said that people are generally consistent in what they do, and yet, there is always the chance that they will change. So to think that anyone other than the person involved can know what is best is nothing more than an illusion.
On one side can be the tendency for one to look towards others, and on the other side can be the tendency of the people one is around to tell them what they should be doing with their life.
To look towards others all the time for guidance is unlikely to make one feel empowered and in control of their life. And to be around people that have always got something to say, in regards to what one should be doing, it’s not going to make one feel empowered or in control either.
Now, if one is unaware of how they look towards others, they could end up placing their attention on how people tell them what to do all the time. Other people are then seen as the problem and one could end up feeling like a victim.
However, if one didn’t look outside as much for guidance and give off the impression that they need others to tell them what to do; they would be less likely to attract people who behave in these ways.
What creates the illusion that the problem is ‘out there’, is when one is unaware of how this is what feels comfortable at a deeper level. Consciously the mind may resist what is happening, but the body feels comfortable with this dynamic.
So, as one is the only person who can know what their wants and needs are, and what their purpose is, it can be hard to comprehend why they would feel comfortable looking to others.
On the surface this might not make any sense, but if one was to dig a little deeper, they would soon find that there is a good reason for it. And the reason one is like this, is probably due to what their childhood was like.
Whether ones needs and wants were met as a child will depend on how aware their caregivers were. It is through their acknowledgement of them, that one will become aware of them themselves.
Ideally, one would have had a caregiver that was attuned to their wants and needs and therefore responded to them. Through this mirroring, not only would they have formed a connection to them, they would also have felt safe having them.
However, through one having a caregiver that was not aware of what ones needs and wants were, it would have made it difficult for them to form a relationship with them. Instead, they would have ended up paying attention to what their caregiver’s needs and wants were.
This wouldn’t have been a choice; it would have been a matter of survival. These experiences conditioned one to lose touch with their inner world and to look towards others for guidance.
If one is unaware of what they want and need, this is to be expected. And as one was not allowed to form a relationship with their needs and wants, it is not much of a surprise that they trust other people’s judgement more than they trust their own.
Ones ego mind will have formed certain associations when it comes to them following their own needs and wants. This could be that one would be rejected, abandoned and that they would die. These trapped feelings will need to be faced and released.
It will also be important for one to gradually build up their trust when it comes to listening to what they need and want. The assistance of a therapist, healer or a coach can also help with this process.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author of 26 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
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That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.