Just because one is with someone who looks different to the person they were in a relationship with before, it doesn’t mean that their experience is going to be any different. And if ones last experience was generally healthy and functional, this is not going to be something that one is going to complain about.
However, if the relationship they are now in reflects their past relationship and this was a relationship that was unhealthy and dysfunctional, then this is going to be incredibly frustrating to say the least.
This could also apply to someone who is currently taking a break from relationships. After having one unhealthy experience after another; one may have come to the conclusion that it is better to be single than to keep having the same painful experiences or that they need to do something different.
Now, the brain in one’s head is going to come up with all kinds of reasons as to why this is happening. The minds ideas could cause one to gain a greater understanding of why they keep experiencing the same things or it could cause them to end up feeling like a victim.
It is then not possible for one to get to the root of these challenges and gradually move on. Instead, one can end up believing that the world is against them, that they are unlucky and/or that there is something inherently wrong with them.
And as people are generally not educated when it comes to why they are attracted to the people they are and why they attract the people they do, it is not much of a surprise if one ends up feeling hopeless. The fact one has challenges is not the problem, as this is part of life, the problem is that one is unaware of what is actually going on.
When it comes to who one is attracted to or attracts into their life, it is often seen as something that happens randomly. So based on this, there is very little that one can do about what is taking place.
It could be taken as a sign that one needs to kiss a lot of frogs before they find the kind of person that they get on with; how the one will soon appear if one just waits long enough. Other people could say that one is just unlucky or too nice, amongst other things.
But ultimately, these are just labels and do not shed any light on why one attracts or is attracted to the people that they are. And more to the point: why they continually repeat unhealthy relationship patterns.
There are all kinds of scenarios that can play out here and one may find that they experience some more than others. One may find that they attract people who are emotionally unavailable. They could be drawn to people who come across as charming at first and then before long, end up being abusive.
Another person may show interest in the beginning, but as the relationship progresses, they end up pulling away and one ends up feeling abandoned and rejected. Or another may show interest one moment and then disinterest in the next; it is then hard to work out where one stands.
So there is going to be what happens and this is the ‘story’ and then there is going to be how one feels as a result of what happens. It would be easy to say that the reason one feels as they do is because of what keeps happening.
And while this could be the case, it is more likely to be due to how they feel. Their feelings are then causing them to re-create the same story over and over again. These are not feelings that just appear and then disappear though; these are going to be feelings that have remained trapped in their body.
Even though one is now an adult and their childhood years are behind them, it doesn’t mean that their childhood pain has been processed and grieved. One then ends up repeating their childhood all over again. It is no longer their mother or father who is unavailable for example; it is their present day partner.
So although these experiences don’t allow one to have what they want, they are associated as familiar and therefore safe by their ego mind (the brain in their body). This undeveloped part of them is also looking towards other people to fulfil the needs that were not met by their caregivers.
One then attracts people who remind them of their caregivers with the expectation that they are going to give them what their caregivers couldn’t. On one side, it impossible for another adult to fulfil these unmet childhood needs.
And as a result of attracting people that reflect their caregivers, one is going to re-create the same experiences and this means they are going to end up feeling the same.
The emotions that have remained trapped in one’s body will need to be faced and released. What happens or the people one attracts or is attracted to is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things; what matters is how one feels and in facing these feelings.
One is not trying to change how they feel or to think differently, they are simply facing their emotional truth. They are grieving what they didn’t get all those years ago and this is not something that is going to happen overnight.
The assistance of a therapist, healer or some kind of body worker may be needed. And as one processes their past, the need to re–create the same patterns will gradually begin to disappear.
Oliver JR Cooper
Author, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant.
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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